


Two Sides of the Same Coin

by orphicsheep



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, First Love, Found Families, Friendship, M/M, Magic Lessons, Mutual Pining, Political Intrigue, Romance, Time Bending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-03-26 14:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 86,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19008073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphicsheep/pseuds/orphicsheep
Summary: Essik & Caleb both started life as talented young prodigies of nations now at war, but their loyalties are put to the test when either destiny or chance finds them working together. Mutual suspicion is complicated by mutual attraction, but to protect their friends and stay alive they both need to learn how to trust.





	1. Chapter 1

“Time is my specialty,” he said with a blasé smile, which perfectly suited his dark, almost blue-black skin, shining gold eyes, and shock of white hair. Caleb lost his voice. He could no longer tell if it was him, or his words, which made his heart skip a beat. His grip on Nott’s arm tightened. She looked up at him, and lightly touched his hand, sensing danger.

_“Are you okay, Caleb?”_ She asked in her own way, so only he could hear. _“You can reply to this message.”_

_“Dunamancy. That's what they are after, the Cerberus Assembly. That's what all this is over, why the Empire was using Yeza, why they are playing with us… it must be,”_ he answered with conviction, so only Nott could hear.

The very word had woken him up, as if from a dream, and brought with it so many unwelcome memories. Why did he allow his mind to wander, even if only for a moment, when so much was at stake? All that mattered now was freeing Yeza, and getting out of Xhorhas as soon as possible, before the Empire found out who he was, and why he was here. Before anyone could implicate them. Before it was known throughout the Empire that the Nein were traitors. Before it was known throughout the Dynasty that they were not the heroes they pretended to be. They were, in truth, nothing more than a band of criminals, pirates, mercenaries… at best, on a good day, vigilantes, but more realistically, opportunists. They had only taken the Dodecahedron because they thought they could use it for their own ends, or else sell it to turn a profit. They had no way of knowing the power it held, or that an entire race, thousands of miles away, worshipped it as some kind of deity.

_“Do you think he will be able to help us? Help you?”_ Nott asked, eyes widening. They were serpent’s eyes, two sallow yellow circles separated into halves like a pear by slender pupils, inhuman but full of feeling. _“You can reply to this message.”_

It used to be flattering, the special interest she took in his magic. Now that he knew she had an ulterior motive like everyone else... even if it was a motive he understood perfectly, and would do anything and everything in his power to help her achieve... he knew better than to mistake that 'interest' of hers for a compliment. He had to achieve his goal of becoming a more powerful spellcaster, so she could achieve hers. It was a simple enough arrangement. After all, their relationship was, and always had been... symbiotic. They helped each other. He had tried, before, to explain it to the others, but found it difficult even to explain to himself. All that mattered was the simple truth that they needed each other, not just because of what they could bring each other, but because they were friends. More than friends; family, but not by blood. He had read once that _'a family you choose binds you stronger than blood, because love alone is your bond.' _He was not sure whether or not he believed this assertion, but it was a pretty sentiment. As he looked down on the goblin, he had to resist the urge to run a hand fondly over her head.__

Caleb shook his head slightly, but remained tight-lipped, his eyes returning to the drow spellcaster. He knew nothing about him, nothing at all, except that he was in the employ of the Bright Queen—who could guess what a ‘Shadowhand’s’ duties were—and he knew something of magic, of _dunamancy,_ that his soul had been consecuted, that he belonged to Den Theylas—whatever that meant—and he was between one and two hundred years old. Still young for a drow, and exceedingly young for a Shadowhand, who usually had several lives under their belt before they achieved so high a rank. He was some kind of prodigy. Caleb felt an unwelcome flashback threaten to break through the fortress he had constructed around his mind, to hold its focus. He did his best to keep them at bay.

It was not so very long ago that he was 'the Empire’s Hope,' and now the Bright Queen herself was hailing him and his friends ‘Heroes of the Dynasty.’ _How quickly the tables can turn. How quickly fortune can be… reversed._

His eyes trailed back to the floor, avoiding the Shadowhand's; avoiding his friend's. He needed time to reflect, to gather his thoughts and decide on a plan.

_“I don't know. I hope so,"_ he finally replied, a few minutes later, when he felt Nott tug on his arm. He lifted his eyes tentatively.

The Shadowhand's gaze passed over them, slowly, one by one. When it finally reached Caleb, it seemed, for a moment, to linger. His smile broadened, soft lips parting to reveal sharp white teeth, as he looked him up and down. Caleb parted his mouth, then quickly closed it, flushing a shade redder.

“Shall we go? Follow me,” he directed, patiently, turning on his heel.

_Scheisse,_ he thought as he watched the charming drow glide through the hall, his feet scarcely touching the ground, bidding them follow with a fluid gesture of his hand. _He's off-limits. Stay focused._ Caleb felt his stomach contract, and a feeling which was familiar, but faded, a fascination that drew his footsteps after Essik as if led irresistibly by the pulling of an invisible thread. He did not hesitate for a moment, and ended by dragging Nott—whose hand was still linked with his—after him.

Millions of questions were whirring through his head, a thousand per minute. Were they being led into a trap? Would they survive this encounter, this evening, the end of this week? Would they see this charade through to the bitter end? Would he ever see this drow again? Why did it matter?

He probably thought he looked a mess. His clothes were in tatters, and still flecked with mud, although he had cast off that ridiculous harness. He was probably laughing at him, a foolish human who had the audacity to march up to the Bright Queen's throne, waving around their sacred artifact as if it were a toy, and nothing more. He had every right to laugh. Only... he was not laughing.

They stopped outside Yeza’s cell. He reassuringly pressed Nott’s hand, and shot her a reassuring look before placing her in Jester’s care. She did not have booze to support her anymore—she needed her friends to lift her up, to give her strength, instead. He knew how hard this was for her. He knew how hard it was to be confronted with one’s past, when one’s past had become a source of pain. His friends moved forward, circling Nott, each encouraging her in their own fashion. He was pushed back and away from them. He was not sure what was happening. He wanted to be happy for Nott, he wanted to rejoice in her reunion, but... a tiny, selfish part of him was afraid of what might follow, now that the star-crossed pair were going to be reunited. Part of him, which he wanted to ignore, was jealous of their happiness, and a little afraid he might lose his friend, _his_ support, in the process. What if Nott left the Nein for good, to go live with her husband and son, somewhere far away, somewhere safe? He should be happy for them, he should encourage them, and he planned to, if this meeting went well, and if they were allowed to go free… but where would that leave him? He had no family left to go back to, once all this was over. The Nein were his only family, and with Nott gone, the Nein was threatening to fracture and fall apart. Without Nott, he would never have joined them in the first place.

Someone, behind him, cleared their throat. The Shadowhand, who had already sent away the usual jailer, was standing off to the side, his back against a wall, body largely obscured by a long, flowing mantle, as dark as a starless night. Perhaps his name was apt; he blended well into the long shadows of that prison, with its towering ceiling and strangely winding, neverending halls. He offered him a sympathetic smile, and gestured to the others, who now completely surrounded and obscured Nott, helping her to ‘pretty herself up,’ and forcibly snatching the perpetually full flask from her outstretched and grasping hands.

“You’re very close, I take it?” He said softly, quietly, so the others could not hear. There was something strangely mesmerising about his eyes, his voice… or maybe it was only the dim lighting, and his surroundings, which made him stand out. Caleb seldom met drow during his travels; perhaps there were hundreds more like him. Perhaps he was not a rarity at all, among his own kind. Perhaps all drow were that... enchanting. Or perhaps it was a spell. “To the goblin, I mean. The goblin with two names.”

“We are good friends,” Caleb answered carefully. "I have known her a long time." He did not want to say too much, for fear that might give away something valuable the drow might use against him, but at the same time he did not want to miss an opportunity to say something, now that it had presented itself. He had wanted to speak with him alone, so he could ask him about his research; but he had expected he would have time to prepare what he was going to say, to do research of his own into the Dynasty, its history and its culture, so he did not unintentionally commit some unpardonable offense.

“Ah, friends. That is well.”

_Is it?_ Caleb wondered. _I know you want something. I wish I knew what._

A silence fell between them. Caleb watched the cell, from his place, a few steps back, but within earshot, hands held in tight, nervous fists at his side, ready to rush to her aid if called; if needed; if Yeza took it all badly; if anything went wrong. He hoped and prayed to gods he had never worshipped that it would not go wrong. It was selfish of him to think, even only for a second, that he could keep Nott forever by his side, that he could place his needs over hers, and demand she sacrifice her happiness, her family, and her future, for his sake, just to keep him company and remain with the Nein a little while longer. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her. She had already suffered enough.

“You conducted yourself brilliantly in the Assembly. Her Majesty had surrounded you with armed guards and nearly clapped you in chains, before you wound the entire room around your little finger. It was… impressive. I am not often impressed.”

“Oh?” Caleb feigned disinterest.

“I would have thought, considering how things played out… you would be happy. I know it is not my place to presume, but… you do not look very happy,” he observed somewhat caustically. True, he had not shared in his friend’s initial enthusiasm, when they were pardoned and proclaimed heroes. It had all happened too quickly for him to trust it. Like a starving beggar offered a crust of bread, part of him feared the gift would be snatched from his hands the moment he reached for it.

“With respect, Herr Shadowhand… I do not wish to appear ungrateful, but it is my nature. I always expect the worst. That way… if things do not play out as I hoped they would, as so often is the case… I have no reason to be disappointed.”

“What is there to live for, besides hope?” Essik asked, tilting his head to one side. There was something almost cat-like about his eyes. “But I understand, of course. Old habits die hard. The Empire has failed you. Why should you trust us, without sufficient cause?” He was speaking rhetorically, of course. Caleb knew better than to answer. He held his tongue, still watching the prison door, still waiting, still ready. There was no cry for help or screaming, so he presumed the reunion was going well. “I hope one day the Dynasty can earn your trust, all the same, _Herr…?”_

“Widogast. Caleb Widogast,” He had already given his name to the Assembly; they all had. This was likely a formality. He used a Zemnian title of respect, meaning he either had some passing acquaintance with Zemnian culture, or he was simply good at diplomacy, and knew how to mirror his guests. Essik gave a slight, respectful, bow of his head, then turned to face the door, which had only just opened to reveal Nott’s head. She was calling his name. He marched forward, without looking back to meet Essik’s eye, although he could have sworn he _felt _his gaze follow him. It made him nervous. He hated it. He hated everything about this. What could he possibly hope to gain by talking to him, by opening up, by revealing something so foolish as a superstitious phobia of optimism? He must have looked so vulnerable in the drow’s eyes! An easy mark, too afraid to hope, and too afraid of success to ever survive failure.__

He said a few words to Yeza, to assure him Nott was who she said she was, and he would do all in his power to aid the couple. He meant the words, but could not be sure Yeza understood them. The poor, emaciated, shell-shocked little halfling, small even for his kind, looked too out of sorts to understand much of anything, in his present state. _Who did this to him?_ Caleb wondered, thinking back to the guard. Thinking back, to the ease with which Essik traversed the winding, labyrinthian halls of this prison, to his familiarity. Yeza certainly recognised him, and seemed to be watching him very closely, now.

Once Nott or… Veth, as he should rightly be calling her now, because that was her name, and he would have to acclimate himself to it sooner or later… had briefed Yeza on what was going on, and persuaded him the Empire were the baddies, not the Dynasty who had just spent the last few weeks, or days, or… however long it had been, time passed so differently in the prison… torturing and starving him for information. This took surprisingly little persuasion on Veth’s part. Essik marched forward, patiently listened to all Yeza had to say about his partnership with the Empire, and apparently satisfied with this intel, insisted he had all he needed, and Yeza could go free.

Veth and Yeza were, naturally, the most eager to leave, and quickly trailed after Essik when he turned to depart. Although some of the Nein had tactlessly contemplated out loud overpowering the Shadowhand by force and trying to make a break for it, Essik seemed surprisingly good-natured about the whole thing, a bemused smile meeting Veth’s threats of murder with the most placid purr of: _“I'd like to see you try,”_ Caleb had ever heard.

While the rest of the party were preoccupied with Yeza, Caleb took to observing the Shadowhand from a safe distance. He knew better than to trust him or any promises of protection he, or the Dynasty, made them. He knew what he was, and what he represented, more than any of his friends did or _could,_ because he was intimately familiar with the games he was playing. They were not dissimilar to the games he had learned during his time with the Blumentrio, patterns and procedures which had been taught to them like the steps of a dance. Knowing did not stop his thoughts, however, from wandering, innocently, into uncharted waters. Knowing did not snuff out this cloyingly human and petty fascination with the drow, who was too distractingly pretty to be adequately feared. Knowing did not stop his mind from wandering a little, but it did make him cautious and pragmatic. He still bore the scars from his last attempt at anything resembling a romance. He would stomp out this useless infatuation at the source, as he always had in the past; he would ignore his attraction; he would avoid Essik at all costs, and in a few short days... or at most, a few weeks... he would forget all about the charming drow who had once, in passing, caught his eye.

A voice entered his head, unexpectedly. Veth shot him a look from where she stood at the head of the group, and he returned her gaze.

_“You're going to have to talk to him, Caleb. Find out as much as you can about this time magic. Maybe he'll even teach you a few spells if you ask him nicely, or let us visit the Conservatory.”_ She was already making plans for their future. She was already pinning so many hopes on him, trusting in his abilities, in his potential to one day be strong enough to live up to her expectations. He did not want to disappoint her.

_There goes Plan A,_ he thought with an exaggerated sigh, which must have looked unwarranted to his companions. He gave Veth a conspiratorial nod, to show he had heard her, but wore a grim look on his face, frowning sternly, and gave no answer. He remembered his training. He remembered how many years of his life he had devoted to learning not only arcane magic and history, but how to forget all those weaknesses a potential enemy can so easily use against you, like fears, dreams, and desires. He knew how dangerous it was to hope, even if the Shadowhand did not. He knew how dangerous it was to trust.


	2. Chapter 2

“I don't want to do it,” Essik huffed, crossing his arms as he stretched himself out on the Den Mother's chair, in her private study. He propped his legs up on the table, crossed at the ankle. She knew more about him than his own mother; he had nothing to hide from her. He couldn’t hide anything from her if he tried. She already knew he could not walk without the aid of magic. She was the one who taught him how, and she was the one who insisted on keeping it a secret. She was the one responsible for handpicking him out hundreds of eligible apprentices to become a member of Den Theylas, even though he had been exceptionally young and untested at the time. He was chosen for possessing a profoundly intuitive talent for magic, the likes of which had not been seen in Xhorhas for many years.

Wizards were not particularly rare in Xhorhas. Anyone with a deep enough interest in magic, and the right mentor, could feasibly pursue that path if they so chose. Not everyone had what it took to become a great wizard, sure, but nearly anyone could try. True mages, born to the calling, with magic in their blood, however… were extraordinarily rare. Essik had demonstrated a remarkable aptitude for magic, even as a small child, and the Den Mother and Bright Queen conspired to see he was trained by the foremost arcane scholars, wizards, and historians the Dynasty had to offer. He was the Dynasty’s golden boy, it’s pride and joy, still under two centuries into his first life, and already he had accomplished so much in the service of the Bright Queen. His star was on the rise, and all eyes were on him, waiting with baited breath to see what his future held.

He was a particular favourite of the Bright Queen, who paid him in favours, secrets, and liberties beyond the reach of ordinary citizens. These rewards, however, always came with caveats and costs. Sooner or later, a price would have to be paid—such as a difficult job, that no one else was willing to accept, which he could not refuse. Like keeping watch over a group of volatile, chaotic wildcards in their war against the Empire. He would have to accept, because Leylas Kryn herself asked him to, and what your Queen asks, you cannot refuse.

Having the Bright Queen on his side had always helped him in the past when he needed to get ahead, or achieve great things; it had allowed him to achieve _consecution_ ; he could not take her help for granted. Money counted for very little in the Dynasty. Power was everything. If you had enough power, you did not even need money; crowds naturally parted like a wave where you walked, gifts fell into your outstretched hand, favours were poured out at your door, admirers came calling, everything and anything you wanted could be yours. However, power was a difficult thing to hold onto. Once won, it could so easily be lost. The Den Mother had only called him in to remind him of that, to remind him of the debt he owed her and the Bright Queen, even if she tactfully refrained from saying so, they both knew that was why they were there.

“I don't remember asking you for your feelings,” his Den Mother replied sternly. “These orders come from the Bright Queen herself. You are to take these foreigners as your wards and keep them close. You must win their trust. I don't care how. Give them money, give them gifts, give them attention... give them anything they ask for, which isn't nailed down, or compromising. Once you have done this... it will be easier to coax information from them. They will know we are their friends.” It took every ounch of strength he possessed not to roll his eyes. He knew the procedure. He knew how to handle them. He just didn't want to. This job seemed... beneath him.

As the Shadowhand, he specialised in dealing with secrets. To get the best intel, you had to know how to read people, so you could know how best to utilize them. You had to be a master of strategy. These newcomers were… intriguing, certainly, but he did not see them as the threat everyone else seemed to. He had ruled them off, after their first initial meeting, as mostly harmless... except, perhaps, for the human wizard, who was intriguing, but physically weak. He could easily be killed by any guard worth their pay if he raised a hand against any member of the Dynasty. He was only a threat if you pretended he was not, and foolishly lowered your guard around him, but the same could be said of any reasonably clever and capable mage. The rest…? Seemed to genuinely only be interested in rescuing their little friend. He doubted they would stay around any longer in Xhorhas now that they had him back, unless… they made it worth their time. That meant giving them money, and presents, and compliments, which anyone could do. He had more important things to worry about. Their nation was at war, after all.

“Can't you assign someone else? I'm not interested in babysitting the Queen's dubious guests. It would be a waste of my time and skill.” He removed his legs from the table and gingerly set them down on the ground, wincing at the discomfort. Then he leant forward, crossing his arms over the edge of her table, before raising one to prop up his chin. His Den Mother was late in years, but resplendently dressed. He admired the embroidery of her gown, making a mental note as to how he would improve his own, the next time he spoke with his tailor.

“These 'dubious guests' may be extremely important. The Queen insists we have a... practiced hand look after them, in case they decide to turn against us. Precautions must be made. The fact she chose you personally is not only a sign of trust, but a great honour.” _For me, or for the Den?_ He wondered, idly, as if the distinction mattered. As if his Den Mother could tell the difference.

“I thought the Bright Queen had already declared them 'Heroes of the Dynasty'! I thought their Fate was sealed!” Essik exclaimed, with mock surprise. She nearly laughed at that. In all the years he had known her, he could count on one hand the number of times he had heard her laugh. He took it as a warning.

“You, of all people, should know better than to presume _anyone's_ Fate is set in stone.”

A silence fell between them. Essik ran the corner of his tongue along his teeth, considering the task which lay before him. He had never worked with humans before. This could be interesting.

"What would the Bright Queen have me do, precisely, to ensure these humans do not 'become a threat,' then?” He asked, tilting his head to one side.

“Whatever is necessary.”

He had heard those words before. They were always accompanied by a feeling of foreboding.

“Should I use charm or violence?” He asked, jokingly, with a grin. She must have missed the joke, because she set aside her paper, brought a slender hand to her chin, and considered the ceiling for a few long moments, mulling over the choice.

“Charm them, first. You have already met them once. That's a start. Make them like you. Make them trust you. If they agree to serve us, we won't need to go out of our way to guess what information they are relating back to the Empire.”

“If we want them to feel at home, we should start by giving them one," he suggested. She seemed surprised. The thought had never occurred to her that keeping their prized guests lodging in a cheap third-rate tavern where the barkeep charged three times the going rate for mead was hardly going to sway them to their side. Just sparing their lives was one thing—but giving them an incentive, a reason to stay, was quite another.

“You propose... we give them a house?”

“Why not?” He asked. “If their story is true, then they have already been alienated from the Empire. It is not enough to play on their disdain towards them—we must win them over to our side, too. What better way than to offer adequate reward for their loyalty? I have read much about humans. They like money. They like presents. They don't trust words, or gestures, or titles—but they trust coin, and the comfort and security it can bring them.” They did not see, because they had not been introduced to Luxon, and their souls were unconsecuted, how temporary and fleeting these things are.

“So you mean to... buy them?” She clarified, arching one brow.

He shrugged, spread out his hands.

“We buy every other soldier in our army by paying their wages. These strangers don't share our customs or our faith, but they seem competent enough; we might as well try hiring them to work for us.”

 _“If_ their story is true,” she reiterated, putting exaggerated emphasis on his words as she threw them back at him.

_Yes, everything depends on that._

“I know it's a long shot, but I would rather buy their loyalty than cross my fingers and hope, when the fighting starts, they won't turn their swords on me because the Empire offered them a better price.”

“So you agree with Aloyes Kryn's assessment, you think they are nothing more than a band of mercenaries?”

“I sincerely hope they're mercenaries! The alternative is much, much worse. Hired swords... we can work with.” Assassins and spies were less predictable and harder to control.

His first impressions of their guests had been largely positive. He had to admit, as much as he disliked this assignment, which took up time he felt better spent studying spells or preparing for the next Empire attack, they were... fascinating. A warrior, presumed human, who belonged to a tribe in the wilds of Xhorhas. A goblin with two names, who crossed mountains to be reunited with her halfling husband, who happened to be a skilled alchemist and one of his... informants. _A tricky subject, that,_ he thought with a grimace. A diminutive half-orc with a complex about his tusks. A delightful tiefling cleric who led with her fists. A firbolg who practiced a brand of ancient magic he had never seen before, that claimed to be led here by his goddess, the Wildmother. The two humans from the Empire had been the first to catch his eye, however. He had never had cause, before, to speak with humans, although they did occasionally pass through Roshona. He had many questions to ask about them and their culture; he wanted to see how many of the stories he had read rang true. He had spent much of his life in the Conservatory, pouring over books about distant lands, but... he had never personally left Xhorhas. Both his Den Mother and the Bright Queen had always made a point of keeping him close, and keeping him out of the field, perhaps in part because of his physical 'vulnerability,' but within Xhorhas... he was hardly coddled. He was a talented spellcaster who often used his skills, and his knack for strategy, to help strengthen the Bright Queen's army and manage her forces. He also oversaw the treatment of informants and prisoners. He found and collected secrets, and made certain none were ever lost. In the eventuality that a secret did fall out of their hands, and into someone else’s... he made sure no one lived to tell the tale. It was an unpleasant business, but a necessary one, and all for the greater good.

“Very well. I will pass on your suggestion to the Bright Queen, and we will see about getting our guests... more suitable accommodations. Are we done here?” The Den Mother asked, folding her hands together. Clearly, she was.

Essik still had one more question left to ask.

“What must I do if they prove to be traitors?” As Shadowhand, he had to be prepared for anything.

“Kill them, quickly and quietly, before anyone discovers the Bright Queen made a mistake.” _Light forbid anyone finds out the Bright Queen is capable of making mistakes._

He grimaced. He disliked killing. He preferred to have others do it for him. If he were to go about this the right way, if he were to be tactful... then he would have to do the killing himself. The less people involved the better. If it were to become public knowledge the Bright Queen had orchestrated the deaths of her own guests, who bore her own favour in a chain around their broken necks... it might lead some to doubt her promises of protection in future.

His thoughts invariably circled back to the Empire humans. There were only two of them. The rest... had no vested interest in the conflict, as far as he could see, apart from perhaps the halfling, who had every right to bare a grudge against them. He would have to start his investigation with them. What did he know about them? Practically nothing. What he did know, he had only their word to verify. _Caleb Widogast and Beauregard. A wizard and a monk. An odd pair, but they seemed... close. Friends. Good friends. Perhaps more?_ He remembered their interactions, the gentle, affectionate bullying over the Moorbounders. The monk teasing the wizard about his clothes, his hair, and the grandiose way he presented the Beacon to the Bright Queen. _No, not likely._ They behaved more like siblings than anything else, although they did not look related. The monk was dark, short, strong, muscular, and lean. She moved with a deadly grace when her staff was in hand. The wizard was pale, slender, and tall, with long unkempt hair, a light smattering of freckles, and bright blue eyes. He always had books on him, as well as his familiar, a small striped domestic cat he called 'Frumpkin.' All he knew about this human was that he was well-read, cynical, ambitious, and bold. He had no knowledge, yet, of the extent of his magic. _That will be the first obstacle to cross, the first box to check,_ he thought, already beginning to devise ways of putting that magic of his to the test. It did not take long for him to strike upon the perfect plan. He had already tried, and failed, to appeal to him with flattery, but he seemed immune to compliments. _Pity, that. It could have been fun._ He had not yet tried to appeal to his evident lust for power. He remembered the way his eyes had gleamed when Essik spoke about dunamancy. He would have to use that desire for power against him, so he could learn what he was really up against.

_It is essential, in war, to know your enemy._

Only he was not his enemy. None of them were. They were currently… untested, unaffiliated, and unknown. They could have told them nothing but the truth, and they could be sincere in their interest to help the Dynasty. All he was really being asked to do was to see if their alibis rang true, and to determine whether or not they would be allies worth having. If they did pose a threat… well, he would kill them, yes, but only with a heavy heart. His initial meeting with the band had been pleasant, even amusing. The goblin had been so bold as to threaten his life, and he admired her for her audacity. Whatever force bound these people together he could not fathom, but they did seem to sincerely care about one another, and work well together. He knew separating them would prove fatal, so why not bring them all together under one roof, and work from there? The Kryn Dynasty could demonstrate their faith in the ‘Mighty Nein,’ as they insisted on calling themselves, before asking them to return the favour. It seemed only fair.

When he got home that evening, a letter was already waiting for him, signed and sealed by Leylas Kryn herself. She expressed her gratitude that he had taken on this ‘great honour,’ and agreed to accept the Nein as his wards. She must have forgotten the part where he accepted this ‘great honour’ under duress, and had no real choice in the matter. He could not refuse his Matriarch anything, even if he wanted to. Her word was law, for as long as he remained in her Clan; only the Bright Queen herself outranked her, and had the power to override one of her dictates. The letter also contained a few instructions, insisting he take notes and report back, regularly, to the Bright Queen herself, about his new ward’s welfare and activities. He may have traded in secrets professionally, but he still thought it underhanded to take secrets that were not willingly given, or purchased at cost. Leylas Kryn insisted it was permissable in this instance, because they were only using the Empire's own tactics against them.

Included in the letter was a brief file, containing all the information they currently possessed about the Nein. This included what they had said themselves, when interviewed individually, and what their researchers had been able to dig up in the last 48 hours, contacting foreign allies across Exandria with sending spells who could help them verify these stories. So far, they had uncovered very little to either prove, or disprove, anything. What was found, however, was most intriguing. Veth, the Goblin-Sometimes-Known-as-Nott, had apparently died several years ago, when she was drowned in a river. Yasha had somehow earned the title ‘orphan-maker’ before being driven from her people. Fjord had been a sailor on a merchant ship. Jester's mother was the Ruby of the Sea, and as such, her young daughter had presumably led a very sheltered life before joining the Nein, seldom leaving the town where she was born. Caleb Widogast… was entirely unaccounted for. Their informant based in the heart of the Empire could find no official records of his name in any census published within the last fifty years. It was clearly a pseudonym… but why? Because he was on the run from the Empire. A false name did not create suspicion; it silenced it. Their stories checked out. Even the loose ends… were in keeping, apart from the goblin's, but for the present, the goblin posed no great threat, except perhaps to the local wildlife, which she regularly used for target practice.

Once he had finished reading through their individual files, he returned to the one which bore, at the top, Caleb Widogast's name. "Who are you, really?" He asked, out loud, to an empty room. _Why did the Empire want you? Why should we?_

A witness, who had attended the meeting where Caleb restored the Beacon to its rightful home, had sketched a drawing of the scene, and the Bright Queen had seen fit to include this in her file. It was a very rough sketch, but a fairly good likeness all the same. He wished it were in colour. It did not capture the subtle rise and fall of his cheekbones, the depth of his narrow eyes, his full lips, and long, unruly hair, which was red, _like a flame… You're better than this,_ he thought with a faint smile, and shook his head, idly drawing figure eights on the table with his quill. He may not have wanted this job, but now that it was his... there was no reason why he should not try his best to enjoy it.


	3. Chapter 3

The Nein had spent nearly three weeks in Rosohna now, only briefly departing on jobs outside the city limits, which were intended to prove their loyalty to the Kryn Dynasty, their host and patron. After the first two weeks, they had finally begun to adjust to the unrelenting darkness and thick cloud coverage, which rarely allowed in direct sunlight. It made it difficult for Caleb, who was usually so good at measuring time, and navigating by stars. After awhile it started, to his surprise, not mattering. While it was harder to navigate Rosohna without the aid of Beau's night-vision goggles, or one of his light spells, he was beginning to almost enjoy it. He was beginning to enjoy, for once, not being on the run. After their return of the Beacon, and his small friend's reunion with Yeza, they had expected to leave immediately. They had no reason to overstay their welcome, and it seemed like tempting Fate to stay around long enough for the Kryn Dynasty to wake up and realise they had made a mistake; they had no idea what they were doing, and did not belong here. Their hosts had been more generous than they ever expected, offering them a house and more than sufficient compensation for their troubles. With this money, they could buy supplies, clothes, weapons, ink and paper, and enough healing potions and diamond dust to survive a fortnight in the wilderness surrounding Rosohna. As thankful as they were for the kindness shown them by the Bright Queen, Leylas Kryn, and the Shadowhand, Essik Theylas, this generosity was still received with suspicion. Caleb, Fjord, and Beau, in particular, took each new gift with a pragmatic wariness, wondering what the price would be, and when they would come to collect it. Caduceus, Jester, Yasha, and Nott—as she insisted on being called, for the time being, until she had returned to her true form and felt like Veth again, both inside and out—were happy to live in the moment, and not overthink the hundreds of ways this could end badly. Caleb wanted to join them. He wanted to lower his guard, just for a moment. He wanted to quiet the doubts in his mind that kept whispering to him all the ways the Dynasty could be trying to use them for some malicious purpose. The longer they allowed this working relationship to continue, the more the Dynasty gave; and the more they took, the deeper they found themselves in debt to a nation whose goal seemed to be reducing _his_ homeland to ashes.

 _Remember what Caduceus said: "Try to enjoy it while it lasts. Make the most of the time we've been given." Gods know, we won't live long, living like this—one near-death experience to the next._ Here, at least, they could stop, and catch their breath, and forget the world, and where they were, and how precarious their security, and how uncertain their future.

When the party returned home after their latest excursion through Rosohna, Caleb was so absorbed in his thoughts as he raced to the door, he nearly missed their guest completely. A polite cough made him stop short and raise his head to see a familiar shock of white hair, skin like a clear winter night, and eyes that glittered gold. Essik of Den Theylas, Shadowhand to the Bright Queen. _Whatever that meant._ He was standing just outside their door, arms and body almost completely obscured by a long dark mantel. A fixed, settled expression on his face, which Caleb could not read. He had, presumably, been awaiting their arrival for some time. Why he did not think to knock, or disturb the windchime, when people were home to answer it and let him in, was beyond Caleb, who was too busy being glad to see him to go over the logistics of his visit, or worry what this might mean. The last time they had seen him, he had brought them to this house. It made sense he would want to check up on them, and see how they were settling in. 

The moment their eyes met, Essik smiled. It looked forced. 

"We are making ourselves at home," Caleb explained, pointing to the rooftop where Caduceus was busy lifting Jester up to affix a string of jarred lights to the tree. _Caduceus misses the sunlight most of all. He's not used to shadows, like us, and travelling by night._ He looked strangely proud of their large, magical, ostentatious tree, which had risen up overnight, and become the focal point of the entire neighbourhood. He was almost beaming. He drew Frumpkin out from where he had curled up around his neck—he had nestled for warmth in the fur collar of his overcoat—and cradled him in his arms for a few moments, scritching under his chin, before gently setting him back onto the ground. He gave a loud meow and ran off, in pursuit of a grasshopper. _Fay cats are just as bad as real ones,_ he thought with a fond sigh. The affectionate, almost reverential way he treated his familiar had surprised Essik at first, but he could see that his familiar was important to him. Most wizards he had met treated their familiars as a means to an end. He treated his like a friend, a companion, an equal. It was... unusual, like him.

_Humans like trees and sunlight,_ Essik noted, mentally. _And small purring mammals who live in their clothes._

"You are certainly making a splash," he replied with a bemused expression. That meant the neighbours were already talking about them, which did not come as much surprise. Beau, Yasha, and him were practically the only humans in Xhorhas. Even if they had not turned their mansion into a magical treehouse, they were invariably going to attract some attention. Caleb did not see any harm in being talked about, here. This was the last place the Empire was likely to look for him. The new clothes, which he could not wait to try on, and the fresh shave, and the bare, exposed arms, were all results of his new found freedom. He no longer had to waste precious time and energy trying to disguise himself every day, or hide things, from the people close to him, or the world at large. He was beginning to feel more confident than he had felt in a long time. He had even begun to feel, for one tantalizing moment during the last two weeks, as they moved into their new residence... secure. It had been many years since he had a place to call home. He knew better than to think they were safe, now, and lower his guard completely. He knew their relationship with the Dynasty was precarious at best, and what they had been given could easily be taken away. Still, he saw no harm in following Caduceus' suggestion, and making the most of their good luck while it lasted. When he saw Shadowhand Essik, even knowing the danger he represented, he could not help but feel a pang of gratitude, that he had played some small part in making this brief respite possible. 

Before he could say anything more, or Caleb could respond, Beau barrelled forward, and invited him in, asking if he wanted to stay for dinner. Fjord and Yasha accompanied her. Essik made excuses. He was busy, he had important research waiting for him, and so on... but he seemed to be waiting on something, and he was clearly not leaving until he got whatever it was he was waiting for. Caleb took a few steps back, but kept his eyes fixed on Essik, watching him closely. _What is he waiting for? And_ how long _has he been waiting?_ He wondered. Caduceus and Jester were home, surely they would have let him in if he only asked! Which suggested he was not here to see _them_ , or the house. Maybe he was waiting until they returned, so he could address the entire party at once? Given the cold shoulder he gave Beauregard and Yasha, who kept asking him questions he did not seem eager to answer, this looked unlikely. He kept gazing intently at Caleb, and appeared grateful whenever the human wizard interrupted the others to ask another question about Essik's research in general, or dunamancy in particular.

Essik pretended to be ignorant of his interest in dunamantic magic, and was purposefully vague when asked about his research. He knew Caleb was interested. He could not fail to notice Caleb was interested. He was just stringing him along. Caleb asked him where one goes to learn more about these arts, and Essik gave him the same answer everyone else had already given him. The Conservatory was off-limits to outsiders, and anyone who did not belong to a prominent Den. Caleb had already tried to gain entry there, to no avail. _"And been most persistent,"_ Essik observed so quietly the comment almost slipped by unnoticed. It seemed very little happened in Rosohna that Essik was not party to. Caleb noted this, before continuing his line of inquiry. Essik did not waste any time before asking him, directly, why he was interested in studying dunamancy. Caleb tried to explain, stumbling over his words, that it was so he could help the Kryn Dynasty, and prevent the Empire, _'his people,'_ from corrupting their magic. 

He was a terrible liar, but Essik did not seem to mind. His curiousity had already been piqued. He kept smiling softly, and that smile grew softer, the more Caleb spoke. He eventually gave up talking in circles, and took to gazing, transfixed, into the Shadowhand's eyes, which seemed to reflect the stars. He wasn't listening at all, was he? He didn't buy a single word he said.

 _Careful. You know he's dangerous._ A voice in the back of Caleb's head whispered. It sounded like that charming fiend who made him hurt his friends. He ignored it. He was used to ignoring things.

"Show me. Show me something... impressive," he insisted, surprising Caleb, who immediately began searching his pockets for the necessary components. He summoned a giant cat's paw from thin air, which sliced the air between them with deadly claws. It was not a particularly difficult spell, but it was a spell he had personally modified. He was showing off. He was not just clever; he was resourceful and creative. He had taken a simple spell, and improved on it. He had made it his own.

Essik was suitably impressed. He inspected him, now, in a new light. Silently, he thanked the Luxon. He had found precisely what the Bright Queen had asked him to look for: a way to judge this arcanist's true power and potential, put him in his debt, and win his trust, all in one fell motion—so long as he walked on eggshells and did not spoil the opportunity Fate had just presented him. It was going marvellously, thus far. He could so easily coerce, or seduce, this poor unsuspecting human, into pouring all sorts of secrets into his waiting ear, if he played his cards right.

"Are you busy right now?"

Caleb looked around him, then shook his head.

"May I enter?" He asked, tilting his head to one side, and smiling provocatively. He knew precisely what he was doing, trying to knock the wizard off his guard. He just had no idea how easy it would be.

"I already invited you twice... but yeah, sure, why not! Come in, make yourself at home!" Beauregard, who was unsure what to make of the scene that had just transpired, rushed to say, extending her arm towards the door. Essik interrupted her brusquely, without missing a beat, without taking his eyes off Caleb, who was looking at him now with a fixed expression which bordered on _hunger._ Knowledge and power were clearly important to him. Why, and to what end? He could not guess. All he knew was that it had nothing at all to do with defending the Dynasty—or serving the Empire, if a single word of his story rang true. Essik could not wait to learn what his true intentions were, although he knew it was dangerous to give him anything he might potentially use as a weapon against them. He would have to take care not to arm this human with any spells he could not easily dispel.

"I wasn't asking _you_."

That _look_ was irresistable. What he would not give, what he would not do, to make Caleb look at him that way with something else on offer, some other end in mind... but it was not safe to let his imagination play tricks on him. They were merely using each other. Both wanted secrets the other alone was party to, and this pretence of cordiality was a diplomatic way of bartering over the price. 

Murmurring the spell under his breath, Caleb wove his oversized cat's paw through the air to open the door, hooking a single claw through the handle and pulling it free of its latch. Caleb gave a formal bow, as he had learned to bow at the Soltryce Academy, one arm outstretched towards the door.

 _"Willkommen,"_ he hummed. Essik reminded himself why he was there, and what he had come for, nodding approval before brushing past him, and into the mansion. They had clearly taken great pains to decorate their new home so that there could be no doubt what sort of people resided there now. Looking around him, at all the walls brightly painted with Jester's murals, his heart felt light, and he had to resist the urge to laugh at his own private joke. What would the Bright Queen's council think if they could see these 'vicious mercenaries from the Empire, who were clearly spies,' traduced into these wildly colourful, vivid, and somewhat childish caricatures, on the walls of their new mansion? _Would they be so frightened of them, then?_ He wondered, but knew for now, it would be best to keep these observations to himself. It was probably for the best the Bright Queen was a little afraid of their new guests, even if her fears were unfounded. His first concern had to be getting Caleb Widogast alone.

He quickly followed Essik inside, closing the door behind them, and leaving a confused, flustered Beauregard standing just outside the door, still trying to decipher what had just happened. The idea that someone, anyone, could have come all this way just to see Caleb, never crossed her mind. After a few moments of stunned silence, she filed in after them, and Fjord followed her, shaking his head.

After Essik had finished admiring the mural, he looked across the hall to see Beauregard hurriedly preparing an elaborate cocktail with Fjord at her side, looking over her shoulder and giving her some sort of pep-talk. Perhaps he had been too hard on her. He was trying to befriend _all of them,_ after all, not just the wizard. He turned around to see Caleb was standing before him, smiling sheepishly, one crescent strand of hair partially obscuring his face. He combed his hand through his hair, brushing it back. He looked... quite lovely, smooth shaven, with his hair pulled back. Essik found himself, for the first time in years, at a loss for words. Forgetting his sharp teeth, he bit his lower lip, drawing a faint trail of blood. He raised his hand to cover his mouth and stop the bleeding, attracting Caleb's eye, but if he had noticed anything amiss, he politely declined to comment. He abruptly turned on his heel and started walking towards the study, before anyone else could interrupt them. Essik lost concentration, nearly dropping the spell which was keeping him airborne.

 _This might be harder than I imagined,_ Essik thought, as he followed Caleb's lead, gliding towards the wizard's study, which he had converted so it was now half study, half laboratory. The shelves were largely barren, apart from a handful of strange books. There was a sidetable, clearly belonging to Yeza, lined with alchemical supplies and all sorts of concotions in glass bottles and vials of varying sizes, shapes, and colours, the Shadowhand took care not to disturb. His eye glossed over the covers of the books on display, instead. A book on plant life, a strangely specific cook book, and several cheap romances with dubious titles. _'The Courting of the Crick, really?'_ He pretended not to notice them, for Caleb's sake. He already seemed out of his depth and on edge, inviting someone new into what had evidently become a private sanctuary for him and his friend. As soon as the door fell shut behind them, with a resounding 'thud,' and he heard the lock click, Essik relaxed.

"So we won't be interrupted. Do you mind?" Caleb asked, hand still hovering just over the handle of the door. He was used to locking the door behind him when he wanted to get any work done, without Jester or the others interrupting him. It was only after doing so he realised how suspicious that looked. "Or should I just leave it open?" He asked, when Essik did not immediately respond.

"Don't worry. I'm not afraid of you," Essik replied lightly, amused the human could think himself so intimidating. Spells to open locks were rudimentary; nearly every mage had one or two at their disposal.

"Have you had a pleasant day?" He asked. _Small-talk. Humans liked small-talk._

Caleb nodded, absent-mindedly, rearranging the furniture in the cramped room so that there would be chairs for both of them, positioned side-by-side. He gestured to one, without meeting his eye, indicating he wanted him to take a seat, and waited until he had before taking the other chair. _Not Caleb, though. Very well, then. If he wants to keep this transaction strictly professional, so be it._ Essik easily summoned his grimoire to hand out of thin air. It was a spell he had performed a hundred times before; he knew the words by heart. Caleb did not look particularly impressed, which was a shame. At least their chairs were close together. That was nice. That was cozy.

"Do you have means of copying?" He asked. Caleb took out his spellbook from a leather holster at his side, set it down in front of him, then got out some ink and a quill. _So impatient._ "Let me teach you a few things."

Essik asked him where his interests tended, expecting him to demand, as so many young mages do, for the power to decimate his enemies by wielding gravity; the power to turn battles in his favour by the sheer force of his will. Instead, he asked for powers of Fate, and seemed particularly interested in ones that allowed him to bless, empower, or defend his allies in battle. Essik had fundamentally misunderstood his intentions for wanting to pursue this field of magic in the first place. He was not after sheer power, for power's sake. His insatiable desire for knowledge had intrigued Essik from their very first meeting, but he had mistakenly presumed that this desire for power was purely driven by self-interest. He wanted to become more powerful, clearly! But not just to help himself. He wanted to use this power to help his friends.

That is why, after teaching him these spells—which he copied down so attentively, and took such care to get right—Essik was so eager to return, and find some excuse to teach him more. If not more spells, then more about Xhorhas and her history, which seemed to fascinate the human, who demonstrated an insatiable love of knowledge in a variety of fields. He could not have asked for a better student.

 _He likes books. He needs books. I can bring him some,_ he thought, surveying the mostly empty shelves in Caleb's study a second time as their lesson drew to a close. _He might like that. He might thank me. He might even look me in the eyes, if I'm lucky._ After he had finished copying the last spell, he closed his grimoire, their business transaction concluded, and wasted no time before rising to his feet. Essik rose, too, taking back his book from the wizard's outstretched hands, and with a snap of his fingers, made it disappear. 

"Sehr impressive!" Caleb hummed under his breath. He seemed to be working very hard to avoid Essik's eye as he shepherded him towards the door, his hand just barely brushing his cloaked arm.

"I'm interesting to see what you do with these. Rudimentary, but they are the beginning building blocks...."

"This is a great gift..."

"Remember it."

As he mentally worked his way through a laundry list of excuses he could use to come back and see him again, Beauregard appeared, interposing herself between him and the front door with a drink in hand. Confused, and a little disorienting, he took and sampled the relentless young human's cocktail, which she had the poor taste to call a White Xhorhasian. He put it down to cultural ignorance, and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Caleb cared about these people. They were his 'Den,' his family, or the next best thing. Essik had a feeling he would have to get on their good side if he had any hope of ever getting closer to Caleb. He would have to be civil, at the very least. He shot Beauregard his most charming smile, and returned to her a half-emptied glass with his compliments. Then his gaze returned to Caleb, who was still waiting patiently for him to finish what he had tried to say before they were interrupted.

"There may come a time when I need to call a favour in," he said, extending a hand tentatively. He had read humans often shook hands, upon making transactions, or parting ways. It seemed a strange convention; drow usually went out of their way to avoid touching strangers, unless they were romantically pursuing them, or wanted to get punched. Caleb took his hand without a moment's hesitation, and shook it firmly.

"Done." A pause. Caleb held his gaze defiantly. He had agreed too quickly. It seemed... strange. Then he pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, not looking back. "Do you want to take a closer look at the tree?"

As much as he wanted to accept his invitation, irregular though it was, he knew how much the Bright Queen hated to be kept waiting. You would think someone who had lived so many years, and so many lives, would have learned the virtue of patience, but it was one of the few virtues she lacked. 

"Another time, perhaps?" He hummed, wistfully.

That meant he would return. Caleb nodded resolutely, and released his hold on Essik's hand. He let it fall to his side, disappearing beneath the billowing sleeve of his cloak, and raised himself to full height, so that he was only a little shorter than the human. That meant he wanted him to. 

That nod was the first (and only, if he were being perfectly honest with himself) sign he had received all night which suggested Caleb might actually look forward to seeing him again, even if he did not come bearing spells. It was a start. It was something. Those moments, few and far between, when their eyes had briefly met, or their hands or knees brushed, had been too tantalizing not to follow through, and see where they led. As he cast his mind's eye over all they had said that evening, he began to doubt it was leading anywhere. All this human cared about was magic and books; once he had learned all he could from him, it was only natural his interest should wane. Perhaps he had misread the wizard's nervous anxiety, and mistaken an eagerness to impress a fellow mage and gain his tutelage with attraction? The human was _nervous_ around him, but from what he had observed, he seemed nervous around... well, everyone. He had not been trained from infancy in social graces, like drows belonging to noble Dens were. His shyness was strangely... endearing, in its way, but seemed out of step with the boldness he was capable of showing, the boldness which had led him to not only deliver the Beacon to the Bright Queen, but to _demand,_ not _ask,_ for political leverage, for a stake in their war, in return for it. Anyone else, in his position, would simply have asked for mercy or freedom and been grateful to receive it! He had asked for more. Essik admired that, admired him. But he could not figure out why he behaved this way, or why he was so difficult to read. At first, he had put it down to his humanity, but the other two humans were easy enough to understand. There was something about him which set him apart, and made him unique.

He had noticed an anti-scrying necklace around his neck. It fell out from beneath his shirt when he leant over Essik's grimoire to get a closer look at one of the sigils. _To avoid the Empire's gaze? To avoid their Scourgers?_ He guessed, at the time, but diplomatically deigned not to comment. _"Why are you so important that your Empire wants you dead?"_ did not seem like the sort of question you ask someone you have only recently met. He had to win his trust first. He had to find a way past the defenses he had so carefully constructed around his heart. His friends had succeeded, at least partially, which meant it was _possible_ to gain access to that brilliant mind of his, it just took... work and time, possibly more time than any of them had, with the Empire's army practically waiting at their doorstep.

"Enjoy the rest of your day," he mumbled under his breath, suddenly feeling faint, before quickly departing the mansion.

He gave a forlorn sigh as he took the long way back to the Bastion, enjoying the feel of fresh air gently coursing through his hair and across his face. He wondered what he would tell Leylas Kryn during their first meeting. He wondered _how much_ he would tell Leylas Kryn. _Her own Shadowhand, withholding information? Tsk, tsk. What would Ameera say, if she found out?_


	4. Chapter 4

Essik had already left before Caleb could say another word. He didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. His mind was still reeling. He tried to focus on the spells he had just learned, going over the steps in his head, committing them to memory. His eyes kept being pulled, naturally, to the door, as if expecting him to return any moment, and say he had forgotten something, or... _but people don't do that in real life, do they? Only in books._ He had mentioned something about coming back. More lessons? More questions? Caleb knew he should be grateful for the spells he had been given. He had a feeling this was not the sort of information regularly offered to outsiders. The Dynasty was very... secretive, very insular. No one could even access the library, unless they were a member of the right Den. _If I asked, would he let me see the Conservatory?_ He wondered. Nott had suggested it, weeks ago, and he had ruled it out, but now that they were becoming such fast friends... what was to stop him from asking? He should be more patient, really. He should be happy with what he had been given, and thankful for scraps. Anything, to get him closer to the resolution he sought. He should not ask for more. But now that he had a taste of what dunamancy was capable of... he could not help wanting more. What other spells was he hiding in that book of his? What other secrets?

Beauregard had disappeared into the kitchen carrying Essik's half-emptied glass before his abrupt departure, and had not heard him leave. She had apparently been busy during their lesson, preparing a large silver tray full of a colourful array of cocktail 'attempts' for him (and the rest of the Nein) to sample. Caleb could hear her loudly clatter in the kitchen, knocking things over and occasionally swearing, before she marched out, tray in hand, and wearing her best 'hostess' smile. Caduceus would despair, upon returning to his kitchen, to find everything out of place, and several jars of ingredients either missing, or overturned on the floor. Beauregard's approach to cocktail making, cooking, and baking, was almost as aggressive as her approach to combat.

"Where'd pretty boy go?" Beauregard asked, looking around the foyer to see it was empty, except for her and Caleb. Everyone else had either gone outside, or upstairs.

"You just missed him," Caleb answered, still watching the door.

"Shit!" Beau swore under her breath, before letting out a low, prolonged whistle. "He probably thinks I'm a bitch for that White Xhorhassian line. I didn't mean anything by it!" She shook her head, then looked up again, her gaze returning to Caleb, as if seeing him for the first time. She looked from him to the door, confused, before the reality finally set in. "Hey... Hey, Caleb?" She called, turning his name into a question. Staring at doors was unusual, even for him. He was clearly sickening for _something._

"Hm?" He answered, if you could call that an answer, without looking away, without meeting her eye.

Beau set down the tray of drinks with a gentle clatter, then walked over to Caleb. She tried to drape an arm over his shoulder, casually, but he winced at the touch, side-stepping to move out and away from her advance. She was too strong for him, returning her hand to clamp firmly over his shoulder and hold him there. He stopped resisting, and hung his head, letting his eyes fall to the floor. His hand went, naturally, for his book. He opened it to a random page and started reading, or pretending to. He could already tell, from her persistence and the tone of her voice, that this was going to be one of those conversations.

"Hey, Caleb, buddy, real talk... do you have a thing for the shady time wizard who got us a house?" She asked, lowering her voice even though they were, to all appearances, alone.

"I was just going over those new spells in my head, trying to remember..." He started, then stopped, flustered. Essik had only given him one lesson, but already he was replaying in his head every word, look, and gesture. The way his eyes watched him. The way his hands lingered, as he guided his to turn the page. _You don't know him, you don't know what he wants, you don't know why he gave you those spells in the first place,_ he reminded himself, but it changed nothing. He wanted to see him again. Did that mean anything? He was attractive, sure. Plenty of people were. _It changes nothing._ He wet his lips, and turned to face Beau, who did not look convinced.

"You remember everything. Your memory is... encyclopedic, man! You're like some kind of machine!"

He could tell she meant that as a compliment. Or at least he hoped she did. Right now, he was dreading his perfect recall, and how vividly he could remember every detail about the Shadowhand, every line on his face, the light in his eyes, the curve of his body beneath that mantle, the lingering scent, as he leaned in close, over his shoulder, to show him the first spell, the heat of his breath against his ear. It was all... too vivid, too overwhelming, too much, yet not enough. He did not like where this was going at all. He wished he knew a spell which could make him forget everything—but that would mean forgetting the spells, too, and his honeyed voice, and his touch, light as a feather, with skin as smooth as silk, and... Beauregard was right. He was never going to live it down, if she found out. If any of them found out.

"I can't believe I asked him if he wanted to see our tree," he said, shaking his head. He let the book fall closed and returned it to his holster. He wished he could forget that; he was going to agonise over that particular memory for weeks. Of all the things he could have said, could have suggested, to make Essik stay... he brought his hand up to cover his face, wanting to hide. He used to be so good at talking. He was 'such a charmer' during his school days. Never shy, and never lonely. He had a lot of lost time to make up for.

"Wizards flirt weird. Monks just ask if you wanna make out, then go. _Whoosh._ " She hit her hands together, palms up. Caleb was not sure what exactly that was supposed to indicate.

 _"Whoosh?"_ He echoed, mystified, withdrawing his hand from his face and turning to look at Beau with an arched brow

"Hey, don't judge me! I don't judge you for asking the pretty time wizard to take a look at your magic tree. You've been reading too many of those smutty books," she playfully jabbed him in the side with her elbow. It hurt. She was a lot stronger than him. She was also, unfortunately, right. He was interested in Essik, despite his better judgment, but it didn't matter. He didn't need or want a relationship, even if it were possible. He had managed to remain 'unattached' ever since he broke up with Astrid, sixteen years ago (if you could call being sent to an asylum for over ten years a 'break up'). He had already ruled out all hope of ever finding love. Who could love him, knowing what he's done? What he's capable of?

Looking around him, now, at the house his friends had made for themselves, despite the danger they were in, it began to dawn on him that he had already failed to remain 'unattached.' He had made friends, against his will. He had made a _family,_ against his will. Together, they had made this place a home. He still drew the line at romance. He had put all thought of such things out of his mind when he left the asylum. It only took one charm spell for him to turn against and nearly kill his friends. Just the thought he _might_ lose control or lose his mind one day was enough to silence and stomp out any desire in him. He still had his books, yes—and he still occasionally felt the pull of romantic or physical attraction. He was, deep down, an incurable romantic, as his tastes in literature would attest; but he contented himself with living vicariously through the exploits of fictional characters or his friends. Even if his attraction were, one day, to be reciprocated... which seemed unlikely, given the state of him... what could he possibly offer a prospective partner? He may have once been young, confident, charming, and clever. He may have once been the pride and joy of Soltryce Academy; lauded with accolades and surrounded by admirers. Now... he was just a broken man, working tirelessly to restore the smallest fraction of the easy strength and confidence he once possessed.

"Maybe you're right," he reluctantly conceded in a quiet voice. This could not possibly end like one of his books. Essik was clearly using him. He only offered him those spells to put him in his debt and keep him in his power. If he were being perfectly honest with himself... they were using each other. Caleb would have done anything, said anything, taken any risk, to gain access to the dunamantic magic he needed to help his friends and make things right. Getting closer to Essik seemed like the easiest way to get the information he needed. He consoled himself with the belief his attraction was purely physical, which meant it could be ignored.

"What part?" Beau asked, already confused. She tried so hard to understand Caleb, but she never could. Caleb, in turn, could not begin to fathom her. They may have been from the same Empire, and they may have been close friends, but there was some essential communication barrier between them that often made it feel as if they were having two entirely separate conversations, or speaking two entirely separate languages, whenever they spoke.

"I've been reading too many books," Caleb clarified, nodding slowly.

In books, characters always end up together, despite the odds. Everything is predetermined, and set out in an ordered way, so that the leading characters can have a happy ending. Everyone has a chance at happiness, whether or not they take it. The real world is not like that. The real world sends you mysterious, alluring strangers who would never notice you if they were not being paid by the state to do so. The real world is not interested in making sure everyone got a happy ending.

"So... do you like him or not?"

Why wouldn't Beau leave him alone? He respected her request for privacy, so why was his private life free game? Because he didn't have one. _This is new. She knows it's new. She knows I'm out of my depths._ In her own way, she wanted to help.

He shrugged. "What difference does it make? Can you imagine anyone getting romantic over this," he ran a hand through the air to indicate himself. He was in a terrible state, and he knew it. A change of clothes, a haircut, a wash, and a shave, could only go so far. He was hardly 'a catch.' He had read a few books, but he was not particularly talented, or strong, or attractive, or charming, or wealthy, or kind. He was not particularly... anything. He was not even a good person. He had not led a good life. A few people over the years had caught his eye, or made advances... but he never encouraged them, and usually went out of his way to avoid spending too much time with any one person, out of fear he might get... invested. Caring about people was dangerous. He had learned that the hard way.

Beau gave a heavy sigh, and shook her head. He was a hopeless case, beyond help. She lightly patted him on the back, a sympathetic gesture of camaraderie, and briefly left his side to pick up two drinks, one for each of them. She forced Caleb to take one, then took a swig of hers. He followed suit, but still appeared to be a thousand miles away. It tasted terrible, but he told her it was delicious, and drank up the whole thing, because that's what friends do. When he had finished the first glass, and Beau had finished hers, she took him by the arm and dragged him up the winding stairwell and out into the rooftop garden, a whole tray of experimental drinks poised in her free hand, so they could see Caduceus and Jester's finished work. It was beautiful. Magnificent. Slowly, life inched back into him, and his colour returned. Once he had calmed down a little, and after drinking in silence for some time, Beau clinked their glasses together, and slung her arm around his shoulder a second time. He was beginning to feel more and more like a footstool, or a coat-rack, to the rest of his party. They always seemed to be hanging onto him, or off of him. He had gotten so used to it by now that he had stopped complaining. He had even stopped glowering. He simply let it happen.

"Dating the hot time wizard would absolutely make you a traitor to the Empire, you know that, right?" She asked once they were both sufficiently drunk. Caleb grimaced, but nodded in answer.

"I'm aware, Beauregard," he muttered under his breath, hoping she would forget this conversation in the morning. Hoping he would. He was still not sure, precisely, where he stood in this conflict, and who he sided with. Beauregard seemed even less certain, because she was torn between her loyalty to Dairon and her loyalty to them. For the time being, she saw this alliance as advantageous, and did not resent him for handing over the Beacon to save their lives, but... she still held out hope they could play double agents, and secretly find a way to aid the Empire. She was not ready yet to pick a side. _Am I?_ he wondered. He wanted the Cerberus Assembly to fall, yes, but... he had loved the Empire once. His _parents_ had loved the Empire. And the Empire killed them. Through him. _Semantics._

Thinking of Dairon had given him an idea, however, or the seed of one.

"In the Cobalt Soul you are trained... to collect information, ja? To keep an eye on people. You would know if someone was a spy, would you not? You would know how to tell the difference?"

Beau shrugged, emptying another bottle. She was sitting cross-legged on the side of the roof, a little too close to the edge for comfort. Caleb was lying beside her, propped up by his elbows so he could look over the horizon, at what might have been a pretty view, if his vision were not so useless in the dark. 

"Not if they're good at their job. If you're worried about Essik... I can keep an eye on him for you. If he starts acting suspicious, I'll shank him."

Caleb's eyes widened, with a look of horror. "No, no, Beauregard, you can't just— _shank_ people," he stammered, clearly distressed. "If anything happens, _I'll_ handle it, _my_ way! No knives, and no holy fists."

She grinned, enjoying watching him panic. She had made a hobby out of making him nervous. His face always went bright red and he forgot how to speak. Sometimes she would work in tandem with Jester, and they would place bets on who could rile him up first.

"In return, you can keep an eye on Dairon for me. I can't think when she's around. I know it sounds stupid, but... I'd say or do just about anything to please her, when she's in the room. I look out for you, and you look out for me. Sound fair?"

Slowly, reluctantly, he began to nod his head.

"Do we have a deal?"

She extended a hand. Tentatively, he took it.

"You have a deal," he said. After a long, protracted pause, he let go, then asked in a quiet voice: "What does this mean, Beauregard?"

"We're friends. This is what friends do. We look out for each other. We protect each other."

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?"

"Caleb, you're one of the most intelligent people I know... which is why I am really going to enjoy watching you fuck this up."

He shook his head and slowly rose to his feet. The booze did not hit him at full force until he was standing completely upright. He nearly toppled back down again, but that meant finishing this conversation. He decided to take his chances with the stairs.

"I hate you, Beauregard," he said, as he stumbled towards the stairwell.

"I love you, too, Caleb!" Beau called after him.

 

***

 

 

The Nein's second audience with the Bright Queen was almost as colourful as their first. Essik watched the whole thing play out, completely enthralled, but silent, his hands threaded together behind his back. He was almost... proud of the Nein, for accomplishing so much without his aid, for uncovering such valuable information, and for going out of their way, in the first place, to acquire it. That meant something. They truly were making an effort, now, to show they were allies to the Dynasty. It was a demonstration of trust, coming here, relating this information, knowing the penalty for deception would be a high one, if their information proved false. When prompted by Leylas Kryn herself for his opinion on their intel, Essik had vouched for them. He gave them their trust. He had already given them his tutelage. This seemed to surprise the Bright Queen, but not displease her. He was taking responsibility for them by saying this. He was putting his neck on the line. And for what? He had taken no part in this particular discovery. He had paid the Nein a few visits, he had been as charming and hospitable as he knew how to be, and he had begun to believe, perhaps incorrectly, that they were becoming... friends. Jester had hugged him, against his will, and threatened to give him a tattoo for free. Beauregard was trying to learn how to be a better host, for his sake. Caduceus even made an effort to pick up a few local recipes, when Essik agreed to dine with them. He had given away powerful spells long kept secret to an outsider, just to win his attention for a few hours. What more could he do to show he was on their side? Now he was making a public declaration. He hoped it would be enough. He hoped that would mean _next time_ they decided to scry on an Empire meeting, they might think it worth mentioning to him before announcing it to the entire Dynasty.

After making an excuse to depart early, Essik found a quiet alcove in the antechamber where he stood in wait, hoping to steal a moment of their time before they departed on their latest mission. It took longer than he expected for their audience to conclude, but the Nein were eventually released. Upon greeting the Nein, he was immediately attacked by Jester, who raced forward to hug him again. He looked to Caleb for help. He quickly came to his aid, and whispered in Jester's ear that he had just heard news about a bakery which had just opened up down the street only yesterday.

"You wanted a word?" Caleb asked, when she had departed, pulling Caduceus and Yasha along with her.

"Please. I will only take a moment of your time."

"For you? Anything," Caleb answered with a smile.

Their audience must have gone well. Still, he shouldn't have said that. It's dangerous to say things you don't mean in the Lucid Bastion.

"You really saved our skin back there! The Queen must think very highly of you," Caleb continued, when Essik did not immediately respond.

"I... don't know about that... look, you mentioned the other day that you wanted to learn more about our local history. It took some fixing, but I've found a way to take this book out from the Conservatory, but it must be returned within forty-eight hours. Can I trust you with it?" He drew a book out from a large pocket of his robes. Caleb looked surprised, and hesitated a few moments before stretching out his hand, to take up the book and examine it.

"You wanted to give me... a book?" Caleb clarified. He was still not used to receiving gifts, and was at a loss quite how to respond. A simple 'thank you' did not seem sufficient, but he had nothing to give in return.

" _Lend you_ a book, yes. I would give you something from my own collection, but this is the only verified copy in Xhorhas, and the Conservatory is rather... precious about its favourite historians. Copies are rarer than diamonds."

"An official history... you would really trust me with this, after all I said?" Caleb asked, clearly stunned. Essik looked confused.

"You and your friends are risking your lives to help the Dynasty. Why shouldn't I trust you?"

Caleb cleared his throat. He had been dreading Essik's reaction, the moment he spoke up, publicly, about his history. Nothing had prepared him for... indifference.

"I never told you I was being trained as a Scourger for the Empire. I regret that, now."

Essik nearly smiled, but stopped himself. He was still trying to play innocent, after all.

"Did you think that would disappoint me? I knew the Empire was after you." He pointed to, then lightly jabbed, the place beneath Caleb's shirt where he presumed the anti-scrying pendant rested. "I suspected they had a good reason. 'Royal assassin' was not my first guess, no, but it... fits."

 _That... did not sound like a compliment, did it?_ He should have stuck to what he knew. _Compliment his smile, his clothes, his legs. Make him nervous. His voice does marvellous things when he's nervous._

"If it's any consolation... I was not a very good one. I never completed my training."

He could tell this was not a happy subject for him. It was also not the sort of conversation you have in broad daylight, in a public place. He ran an eye over Caleb, casually, taking in his new clothes. The coat, in particular, stood out. Deep purple with a fur-trimmed collar, in sleek Xhorhasian fashion. He was making an effort, not only to clean himself up, but to blend in. It would be incourteous of Essik not to mention it.

"I like the coat, by the way," he murmured softly, lowering his voice. He lightly trailed a hand across the fur collar, and down the lapel, as if taking stock of the material. "Is it new? It suits you. The style and colour... suit you. It brings out your eyes, and the red of your hair."

"If we are going to work with the Dynasty, I thought we should dress the part," Caleb answered mechanically. He was already focusing on the book. Essik should have said something earlier; he had already lost him. _That means he likes it. He's happy._

He opened his mouth to suggest where Caleb, or his friends, might go if they wanted to see the latest styles Xhorhas had to offer, but his friends intercepted him before he could say another word. Nott raced forward, tugging at Caleb's coat-tails, to say it was time they leave. Beauregard had just narrowly avoided getting in a fistfight over some 'misunderstanding' with a noble, and Jester and co. would soon return. A crowd had begun to file out of the Assembly, as the rest of the day's business was concluded, and fill the hallways. Caleb was clearly getting apprehensive. He pocketed the book Essik had leant him, then extended his hand. Essik warily took it. He could feel Nott's eyes watching him like a hawk.

"We had better go. Thank you for your time. We will not forget the kindness you've shown us," he said, speaking now on behalf of his friends, who had reconvened in the hall and were waiting for him.

"You're welcome. Just remember to bring back my book in one piece."

What he had wanted to say was: _"Stay alive, for me. Be careful, for me. The people you are getting involved with, now, are far more dangerous than you imagine, and I cannot be there, by your side, to protect you,"_ but it did not feel like the right time or place, and too many people were watching them. Instead, he shook Caleb's hand and bid him goodbye more formally, before turning on his heel, just above the ground, and gliding down an adjoining corridor in search of the Bright Queen. He still had a lot of damage control to do, but the less they knew about that, the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(Thanks so much for the kind comments and kudos! I know it's slow to start, but I wanted to get in character and develop backstory/motivation a little, especially for Essik, since he's such an unknown. More scenes with Essik & Caleb (and the rest of the Mighty Nein) ahead, don't worry!)_


	5. Chapter 5

They had survived their latest mission into the wilds surrounding Rosohna, after successfully intercepting (and dispatching) a high-ranking Empire assassin. They had become, almost overnight, local celebrities, extolled by the Dynasty for defeating a traitor and spy—there was no reason to include, in their retelling of events, that his death had been a happy accident. They had planned to talk to him first, and then bring him back for interrogation, but they were a little too ‘zealous’ in his capture, and one of Nott’s exploding arrows eradiated that plan. The fact he died with Dairon's name on his lips was a minor detail of no consequence. After all, history is written by the victors.

The Dynasty showed their faith and gratitude with a second chest full of gold delivered directly to their front door. The Nein could not have asked for more. Most of this coin went towards essential items. A little was left over for ‘extraneous purchases.’ Caleb intended to spend most of this money on books, but a little went into the new wardrobe he was slowly amassing. Better quality leather boots, silk shirts, and tailored trousers and jackets. In the first couple of weeks, everyone who saw him walk down the streets was surprised, but they were now growing accustomed to him, even if they did treat him like a novelty. Being one of the only humans in Rosohna gave him some perspective as to how it must feel for his non-human party members, who stood out in so many of the largely human, dwarven, or halfling villages they frequented.

They had reported directly to the Bright Queen upon their return, but as their arrival had been unexpected, the Assembly was not called. The Bright Queen’s Right Hand was present for their audience, but not the Shadowhand. Caleb returned his book to a representative of his Den, instead, and prayed it would arrive safely back at the Conservatory before the clock ran out. He including a brief note, in common, thanking Essik for his gift, and inviting him to visit Xhorhaus, now that they would be staying in Rosohna for a few days before departing on their next mission. He hoped this letter would take the edge off its slightly late arrival. He did not want Essik to get in trouble with the Conservatory because of him. He did not stand a hope of ever seeing the inside of the Conservatory if that happened. He had contemplated taking up Beau on her suggestion of having Fjord and Jester create a distraction, so they could break in to the library while everyone’s guard was lowered. Caleb only vetoed the plan because he did not want to fall out of the Bright Queen’s favour. But that was a problem for another day.

For once, Caleb was free. They had nowhere to go, and nothing to do, besides prepare for imminent war. Caduceus and Jester spent the morning gardening. Yasha, Nott, and Beau, spent the morning training together. Caleb was looking forward to spending the day with a good book. He checked his reflection in the looking glass as he slipped his purple, fur-lined coat over his shirt. The collar was almost as warm and soft as Frumpkin, when he wound himself around Caleb’s neck like a scarf. He went, next, to get a scarf… he did not feel himself without one. As he met his own eye’s in the mirror's reflection… that particular thought made him pause. He no longer ‘looked himself’ at all, with his fine clothes, his shaven face, and his arms, now free from wraps. He would never have been able to afford such finery if he had stayed in the Zemnian Fields, or if he had stayed on the road with Nott. He liked his new look, and his new home. It had been over thirteen years she he had a place he could call ‘home.’ He was used to sleeping in taverns, or sleeping rough, beneath the stars. He was used to never knowing what tomorrow would bring. So much was still uncertain. They had no reason to relax, no reason to lower their guard, but for just one day... or one week, maybe two... he wanted to enjoy the roof over his head, the floor beneath his feet, and the friends which had become like a family to him, before he woke up from this dream he knew could not last.

There was a knock at the door to his bedroom. Caleb mentally ran through a list of people he knew, and ranked them numerically by their likelihood to knock. He finished getting ready, but took his time. Whoever it was—they could wait. When he was done, he walked to the door and opened it, to find Fjord waiting for him outside.

"You have a visitor," he announced. He must have drawn the short straw this time.

“What kind of visitor?” Caleb asked, unused to receiving any kind of visitor at all and not knowing where to start.

“That dark elf with the earrings and the fancy cloak who’s always showing off. Says he wants to speak with you. _Alone,_ ” he put particular emphasis on the last word. Essik had made a few visits to the house since they had first moved in, but he had not asked to see Caleb alone since their lesson... Was that why he was here, now? Caleb's mouth became a thin line, and he bit his tongue. Essik had taught him a few spells, for which he knew, sooner or later, he would have to pay. The momentary joy he felt when he learned Essik had accepted his invitation was quickly overwhelmed by anxiety, that he had not come simply to visit, but to collect on an outstanding debt.

“Oh no,” he whispered out loud, without meaning to. That caught Fjord's attention.

“What’s wrong? Why do you think he's come here?” Fjord asked. For such a secretive man, he certainly disliked being left out of other people’s secrets. Caleb had never mentioned their lesson to Fjord. He had no particular reason to keep it a secret, it just… never came up. No one had really asked Caleb about his lesson. The only one who knew why Essik had been there was Beau, but she knew not to talk to Caleb about magic. When prompted, he would always give long-winded, technical, almost encyclopedic accounts of ritual spells, along with their steps and components, in such meticulous detail it bored her to tears. Caleb usually did this on purpose, knowing it would make her stop asking. Fjord, on the other hand, could never _stop_ talking about magic.

“Last time he was here… he taught me some spells,” Caleb explained, simply, not meeting Fjord’s eyes as he brushed past him and out into the main hall. It paid to be honest, right? Maybe one day Fjord would return the favour.

“What kind of spells? Is it time magic? What does he get out of this? Do you trust him?” He asked, without pausing, all of his questions slurring together until they became indecipherable. The most glaring question in his mind: _'why would he teach them to you,'_ was the only question which did not get expressed, because it sounded too much like he was asking: _'why not me?'_

“I don't trust him. I'm not a complete fool,” Caleb answered curtly, as he made his way towards the main entrance, leaving Fjord behind in a daze.

He took a deep breath and composed himself before turning the lock and opening the door. Essik was waiting outside. The moment their eyes met he stirred to life, a smile spreading across his face.

“Guten Tag, Herr Widogast! You look lovely today,” he observed.

Caleb made a noise, which might have meant anything.

“May I enter?” Essik asked.

Caleb furrowed his brows.

“Ja, well, we had better get this over with. Come inside,” he stood with his back pressed against the door and one arm extended, in a welcoming gesture. This was not the warm welcome Essik had hoped for, but it would have to do. He glided past him into the main hall, his feet never touching the ground. Caleb closed the door after him.

“May we speak alone?” He asked, after giving the room a cursory inspection.

Fjord was still standing in the corner, arms crossed. Caleb gave him a look.

“Oh, right! I was just leaving, actually! I have an appointment with...” Fjord looked, at a loss, to Caleb.

“The blacksmith?" Caleb suggested, spinning the wheel. He did not care where he went, as long as it was out of the house.

“The blacksmith, right!" Fjord said, marching towards the door, then out of it. Caleb waited until the door slammed shut behind him before turning his attention back to Essik.

“I can never be completely alone here, there are too many people. So… are we going to talk shop or what?”

“I haven't come here on business,” Essik began evenly, “I wanted to take you up on your offer.”

“Already?” Caleb asked. He had not expected Essik to collect his favour so soon.

“You were going to show me your tree?”

Another pause.

“Oh. Oh, ja!” Caleb nodded, emphatically. He clapped his hands and headed for the staircase. He could handle this. Essik followed after him, pleasantly surprised by Caleb’s sudden enthusiasm.

The tree was covered in lights, not entirely dissimilar to the ones Caleb summoned to read by on dark nights, when everyone else in the camp was fast asleep, although these remained bright far longer than his ever could. However Caduceus and Jester had managed to concoct those lights, the result was a most impressive display. Essik admired it, in silence, for several minutes. In turn, Caleb admired him. He could look at the tree any day.

“Well, what do you think?” Caleb asked from where he stood, a few steps behind Essik and to his right, arms crossed. He was still self-conscious about them, especially now that he had abstained from wearing his usual bandages. It felt strange to be without them, after so many years.

“I admit, this is not what I expected would happen when I brought you and your friends here, but... I like what you’ve done to the place. I am sure it came as a surprise to your neighbours to wake up to… all this, but it is good, every now and then, to stir up the neighbourhood. Complacency is unproductive; it leads to idleness.” Essik spun around to face him. His mantel spun, too, the long trailing skirt dancing around his heavy boots. “I certainly did not expect you to invite me in.”

“Just now, or…?”

“Ever. You don’t strike me as the type.”

“To… let people in?”

“Figuratively speaking.”

“Is that a euphemism?”

“What? No! No.” This was getting him nowhere. He would have to learn how to speak more frankly, if he was ever going to get through to Caleb. “I meant… you don’t strike me as the sort of person who is quick to trust.”

“Do you like my tree or not?” Caleb asked, pointedly. He knew Essik was trying to play a game with him; he only wished he knew why.

“It’s magnificent. Beautiful. The best tree I’ve ever seen,” Essik answered, still holding his gaze and refusing to let go.

“I assure you, when the time comes… I will keep my side of the bargain. You can count on me.”

Essik nearly asked _'what bargain?’_ before remembering the promised favour. He shook his head, frustrated, and close to losing his temper. Caleb was being difficult on purpose. He was still too suspicious. Essik had to say, or do, something to prove his innocence; even if that meant exaggerating his innocence. Actually... that just might work with him. He was useless at reading people.

“That's not why I'm here, either!”

“Well, you're not looking at the tree.”

“I was… distracted. You’re distracting,” Essik said, the immediately felt foolish for having said those words out loud. Why was he wasting his time? The wizard seemed to be oblivious to his advances, and immune to flattery.

Caleb snapped his fingers, and summoned a small series of lights, which flitted around them like a swarm of fireflies. A trick he’d learned from Caduceus.

“I have to be good at distractions, so I can protect my friends,” he put particular emphasis on his last words. He wanted to make it clear he would not be fucked with. Essik’s smile widened like a cat’s.

“Your magic is certainly impressive, but… I have a feeling you’re holding out on me. I want to see more.”

“More of my magic, or more of me?” Caleb asked, arching a brow.

It was not something he would have, or _could have,_ said, a few weeks ago. A few months ago. So much had changed. He had changed, too. He knew he was playing with fire, inviting Essik in, asking for arcane secrets, asking for more power, showing him his spellbook. He was gambling with their lives; but so far, it had paid off. He had learned a few spells, and had the opportunity to learn more. He knew this was a trap—it had to be—but he would pretend to be walking into it, if that meant he could learn more. There was a time when all he wanted was to become a stronger mage, so he could not only have the vengeance he desired, but so that he could _make things right._ He still had the same basic goal, but his underlying motivation had changed. It was no longer just about making things right for him, it was making things right for the people he cared about. Making things right for Veth and her family. Making things right for Jester and her mother. Making things right for Beau and Fjord and Caduceus and Yasha and… everyone important to him. His life was not the only one on the line, now; but he would not see anyone else die because of _his_ mistakes; _his_ misunderstanding.

Essik was clearly a spy, sent to keep an eye on them, but he took a particular interest in Caleb. That was why he refused Beau’s request, that first night, and waited for Caleb to invite him in. He must have known offering magic and books would lure Caleb in and win his trust. That was why, when Essik asked to see some of his spells, he took care not to give away his most powerful ones. Instead, he selected weaker spells, which showed off his finesse and ingenuity, without being overly taxing. He wanted to give Essik a taste of what he was capable of, but he felt it safest if, for the time being, Essik underestimated his true strength. He wanted to beat Essik at his own game. That was what he thought, anyway, when he invited him in. That was his plan.

_This is not going how I expected at all._

Essik’s eyes glided over him, sizing him up. He looked impressed. Caleb was losing hold of his nerve. He hated these long, protracted silences, because it gave him too much space to fill with all the things Essik _might_ say or do next. It had been so much easier, when he was young and confident, the best student in class. Words came so easily then, and so did spells. Everything was easier then. This was easier, too.

“You are full of surprises, aren’t you, Herr Widogast?” He asked, tilting his head to one side.

“Caleb.”

“Caleb?”

He liked the way he said his name, with a voice as smooth as honey.

He hated it, too.

“Call me Caleb, _bitte._ It's what my friends call me."

 _Is that what we are now? Friends?_ Essik wondered, sincerely mystified. It was hard to tell, with someone like Caleb, if he was making any progress at all. 'Friends' was a start. He could live with that.

“It’s not your real name, though, is it?” He replied, still smiling; still playing games.

_Don't you ever get tired of it?_

Caleb hesitated, but only for a moment.

“What makes you say that?” He asked with a nervous smile.

“The Dynasty has allies everywhere. Ever since you arrived in Rosohna, they’ve been checking up on you and your friends. There are no birth records, no papers, nothing; no written evidence to be found in all of Exandria that a ‘Caleb Widogast’ ever existed.”

He should have expected this. Of course they would check up on him and his friends. They should have spent more time coming up with an alibi.

“I may not have been born Caleb, but… I am Caleb, now. I am no longer the man I was.”

He had to become someone else to escape, to survive, to go on living. Somewhere down the line… he became the person he was pretending to be, just as Fjord and Nott and Molly had. Maybe that was one of the reasons they found each other, at the point in their life when they most needed friends who would understand their unique predicaments, and not ask too many questions. Caleb _was_ his name now, as far as he was concerned. Bren was a past life, whose mistakes he paid for daily. Surely a man whose soul had been consecuted could understand that, if anyone could? Their entire culture, and religion, was based on the theory of rebirth! Resurrection!

 _“Interesting,”_ Essik replied, drawing the word out, and considering him, a hand raised to his narrow chin. “So the man you were before is… dead to you? Your entire past is… dead to you?”

Caleb nodded.

“Then why are you so keen to go back in time and re-write history?” It was only a shot in the dark, really, but it hit its mark.

Caleb lost his nerve. Force of habit made his hand reach for the book he kept in his holster, opposite his spellbook. It was still, thankfully, there, and intact. Maybe he was bluffing. _‘Everyone who studies this magic has a reason for it,’_ he had said, when Caleb first asked him about dunamancy. He had seen through Caleb’s lie then. What was to stop him from seeing through him, now?

“What happened to you that was so terrible you had to change your name, desert your homeland, desert your people, and come here?” He continued, still watching Caleb closely. He could understand wanting to rebuild yourself and start anew... but he could not imagine why anyone would willingly leave their homeland. Rosohna was the only home he had ever known. He could not imagine any other. Yet Caleb seemed... resigned, to never going back, to never returning, to the point he would side with lifelong enemies of the Empire rather then return, and make a home for himself here, among strangers, thousands of miles away from anything familiar, in a place which was openly hostile towards his kind.

“That is none of your business,” Caleb answered sternly, “and you know it.”

He had agreed to help the Dynasty; he had not agreed to give them all of his secrets for free. He was still entitled to some privacy. Essik looked nonplussed by his refusal.

“I know. I didn’t expect an answer. Not now, anyway. I was only thinking out loud. You know, you fascinate me, Caleb! A man with so many secrets, and yet you invite me here, without hesitation, show me your magic, introduce me to your friends and familiar… then ask me to stay, under this ridiculous pretence…”

“What pretence?” Caleb interrupted, losing the plot. Essik looked taken aback. He gestured towards the tree.

“Of… of wanting to get me alone, to see your… your tree, and all the rest!” He was stammering now, evidently put out by Caleb’s question. The corners of Caleb’s mouth quirked up into a half-smile. He had succeeded in flustering him. It was a nice change of pace.

“There was no pretence, I assure you. I’m glad you came. I wanted to see you again.” He kept his voice level, but spoke softly, gently, taking the lead. “I thought we could get to know each other better. I would like to get to know you better.”

“You… really don’t know what you’re asking, do you?” Essik responded the moment Caleb edged forward and began to raise his hand, so it was level with his chest. He drew a step back, and closer to the tree, instinctively.

All his plans had gone up in smoke. He had to make a new one, and quickly.

“What am I asking?” Caleb asked, stopping short. He let his hand fall to his side.

“I _am_ the Dynasty, as far as the Bright Queen is concerned! As far as _I’m_ concerned! They don't call me her Shadowhand for nothing. I can't just... make social calls,” he scoffed. He was improvising, now, but it was hard not to get carried away and overact. Thankfully, Caleb was a good sport, and went along with it. He was studying him now ever so closely, counting his eyelashes, holding his breath.

“I assumed it had something to do with your work," Caleb replied, nodding sympathetically, as if he truly understood what it meant to have so much responsibility thrust upon your shoulders. As if he could.

"I am Leylas Kryn's left hand. Her _invisible_ left hand. No one is supposed to see me, or know all that my job entails, outside the Bright Queen's inner circle." _What I am doing is important. I can't afford to be... distracted._

"So why are you here, then, if not to pay a social call?"

"I... wanted to see you again," Essik admitted, feeling suddenly very small. "I wanted to take you up on your offer."

"You've seen the tree," Caleb reminded him.

Essik nodded, absently. _Please, by all that is holy, shut up about the blasted tree!_

"Yes, but I want to have a closer look. May I..." his voice trailed off as he spun around to inspect it.

"Ja, sure! Come with me!" Caleb led the way up the stairs and to the base of the tree. He trailed a hand over one branch, which had a strand of lights dangling from it. His flurry of fireflies still bobbed around him, fluttering absently. Essik gazed, wide-eyed, up through a series of branches and tangled strands of lights. He looked... enthralled. His bright eyes and unnaturally white hair seemed almost to glow in the tree's faint, dancing lights, which drifted back and forth as the wind passed through them. Caleb watched him watch the tree, equally fixated. Drow were... remarkably beautiful, he had to admit, even knowing all he did about the danger they represented. In the Empire, everyone thought they were inherently evil, like goblins and full-blooded orcs, and assumed they were devious by nature. Caleb could not help hoping all the stories he had read about drow and the Kryn Dynasty were nothing more than Empire propaganda. He had to believe that their hosts would not betray them without cause, after showing them such generosity.

"It's... magnificent! Beautiful!" Essik repeated, but this time there was a kind of reverence in his words. This time he meant it. He had never seen anything like it before. None of the trees in Rosohna were so vivid and green and full of life.

"Ja, I know, I was impressed when I first saw it, too. Caduceus can really work wonders!" Caleb agreed, sounding a little too much like Jester in a sweet shop.

Essik turned his head as Caleb edged closer, walking up beside him. Their eyes locked. His were glowing faintly. He smiled.

"You're beautiful, too," he added softly.

Caleb didn't know how to respond to that. Essik was stunning always, but in this light... he looked particularly charming, and his smile was so inviting, and his eyes shimmered, full of stars. He was mesmerised. He forgot all about his plan. He forgot where they were. He forgot about the war.

"Do you want to practice magic?" Essik asked.

The list of things Caleb wanted to do in that moment was exceedingly long and colourful. For once, 'practice magic' was nowhere near the top ten. He had not read all those cheap novels for nothing; he had a pretty good imagination.

He cleared his throat.

"J-ja, gut, why not? Let's go!"

He could never pass up an opportunity to learn more magic. He started walking towards the stairs, expecting they would go back to his study, where they had practiced before, but this time Essik reached out and took hold of his arm before he could move away, and stopped him cold. A shiver ran through him. _Focus,_ he reminded himself. _You don't have a charm spell to hide behind this time._

"No. Here. Beneath the tree. Sit with me, please." Essik, to his surprise, let go of his arm then sat down at the base of the tree and crossed his legs, allowing his fine cloak to get mussed.

Caleb's mind was, for once in his life, a perfect blank. He did as he was told. Essik, thankfully, seemed pleased by this, and touched his arm again.

"Do you remember the spells I taught you?" He asked, leaning closer.

"By heart."

"I thought of a new one you can add to your collection." Essik summoned his grimoire, opened it to a page he had already marked, and handed it to Caleb. He leaned over his shoulder as Caleb read, watching attentively. Caleb hated when people read over his shoulder, but he could not bring himself to move away this time. He liked being close to Essik. He liked being trusted with his spellbook. He knew he was a fish being baited, but he enjoyed the bait. Was he not being charmed? Was this some kind of magic? If it was, he had stopped caring. He had no desire to resist it.

 _"This is wunderbar!"_ Caleb murmured under his breath as he read, and Essik's eyes lit up, approvingly. A hand trailed lightly across his shoulder-blade, as he leaned in closer.

"Caleb? Are you down here?" A familiar voice called from the stairwell, deep and slow. "Oh, there you are! I hope I'm not interrupting!" Caduceus called out, good-natured and guileless as ever, when he reached the top step. Caleb had not heard him approach, he was so distracted. Essik still had one hand on his right shoulder, and his chin was hovering just above the left. He licked his lips.

"Nein, nein, not interrupting, I was just... going over spells. _We_ were going over spells." He expected Essik to move away, or say something, but he stayed where he was and kept silent.

"Will you be joining us for dinner?" Caduceus asked Essik with a pleasant smile.

Essik smiled back. He liked Caduceus. He had always been very polite to him.

"I don't want to overstay my welcome," he replied, looking to Caleb.

"Keep bringing me spells like this, and you can move in!" Caleb exclaimed, still enthralled in the book. He tried to turn the page, but Essik reached forward and stopped his hand.

"Patience. One spell at a time," he reminded him. He was taking a great risk allowing Caleb to see any of his spells; he was hardly going to let him see all of them.

"He did give us this house to begin with," Caduceus pointed out.

"Your tall friend has a point. But thank you for the invitation," Essik replied.

"Could you bring up some food?" Caleb suggested. "A plate or two. Nothing fancy."

"Oh, sure! You've got it!" Cad said, disappearing down the stairs before either of them could say another word. They continued their lesson, Caleb occasionally asking questions, and Essik answering them, with a yawn, whenever they arose. Caduceus soon returned with a large plate full of food, a bottle of wine, and two glasses. He set it down on the floor in front of them. Caleb absent-mindedly took up an apple and ate it as he read, stopping every so often to ask Essik for help translating an unfamiliar passage or reference in undercommon. Essik ate some, too, but like a bird, slowly and in small portions. He kept drinking, steadily, until they had polished off the greater part of the bottle. His hands remained steady, throughout, and he did not seem drunk, but the wine made him drowsy. Hours passed, as they poured over spells. Essik did not ask for them, but Caleb readily gave over spells of his own, wanting to compensate him for his free lessons in his own small way, knowing his spells must have looked amateurish and simplistic by comparison.

"What does this mean?" Caleb asked, pointing to a note written in an unfamiliar language, already readying his comprehend language spell. Essik suddenly became cognisant of the time.

"They are going to wonder where I am," he replied, stirring from the half-slumber into which he had slipped, eyes half closed, still leaning against Caleb for support.

"Who? Your family?" It suddenly struck Caleb that he had never once asked Essik where, or how, he lived. He had refrained from asking any personal questions at all, too afraid of asking the wrong one.

"I live with the rest of Den Theylas. We are almost like a family, I suppose. We stay together. We protect our own. Like you and your friends," he explained, by way of comparison. He wished his Den were as close as the Nein seemed to be. The idea of having a family, a real one... whether or not they were biologically related... appealed to him, but he had only ever read of such things.

"Are you married?" He asked. He was not sure whether or not drow married, but he thought he might as well ask. It is the sort of question people ask, and Essik was old enough to marry or have children, if he wanted to.

"No, we don't really... have the same approach to family life as humans, or halflings, or other elves, or... anyone else, come to think of it. Drow women of age, who so desire it, have children which are raised collectively by the community. They choose who will be the father by who has the most desirable traits. It's not... there is rarely any binding contract between them," he explained, or tried to. He rarely interacted with outsiders, and was not used to explaining their customs and rituals. He was only now beginning to realise how odd they must sound, to someone not used to them.

"No one ever marries for love?"

Essik had taken to resting his pretty head on his shoulder. He would have said anything to prolong this conversation. It was not his fault it had taken an unexpected turn.

"Some do, I imagine, but it's... rare. Before you ask, I don't have any children, either. I have managed to avoid that particular ordeal, although I am sure it is only a matter of time before I am chosen. The Dynasty needs strong mages." He looked downcast. The prospect clearly did not appeal to him.

"Have you never been in love, then?" Caleb asked, then immediately regretted it. He had spoken out of turn. It was none of his business. He was asking too many questions.

Essik shook his head. It took him a few moments to collect his thoughts, before responding.

"Love... is not expected from my people. Some say we're incapable of it, but I... have seen evidence which gives me reason to believe this is false." He had heard stories told about drow who had risked everything for the one they loved, or to protect their beloved. These stories were all cautionary tales told to young drow so they could heed the dangers inherent in putting one's personal happiness over the welfare of the whole. The Dynasty worked because it functioned as a community, and being part of that community meant sacrificing individual, short-lived happiness, for the sake of far-reaching, long-term rewards, which benefited all. Consecution, rebirth, power, knowledge, strength... were all rewards given to those who proved their value to the community. Those who did not serve the community, or who put their own good, or the good of just one individual before the good of the whole, suffered in consequence the loss of these rewards. They could not be consecuted. Still... Essik allowed his thoughts to wander, as he looked at the human wizard, admiring the strange hue his skin took on, when under interrogation. He counted the freckles across his face, mentally linking them up in a constellation.

"Have you ever been in love?" He asked, in turn. It seemed fair, to use his own question against him.

The human went crimson to the tips of his ears. Essik smiled, despite himself, pleased with this result. He wondered what it meant.

"Once, very long ago, but... that might as well have been in another life," he stumbled over his words, flustered. _How long ago?_ Essik wondered. _Before you became Caleb?_ Humans led such short lives, and unconsecuted... they had precious little time in this world. For him, years could pass like a day. Yet still this human knew things, and was party to feelings, experiences, he had never known. _Never wanted,_ he insisted, then backtracked, his eyes wandering, curiously, from the human's brilliant blue eyes to his enticing lips. Caleb did not seem to notice. If he did, he said nothing.

"What's it like?" He asked in a breathless voice.

"Warm. Terrifying, but... warm. A blanket wrapped around your shoulders, that keeps the chill at bay." Beau was right, he had read too many cheap romances. It had gone to his head. Or maybe the wine had.

"What do humans do when they fall in love?"

"They, well... they go places together, on dates, and... sometimes they hold hands, or kiss, or..." Caleb felt ridiculous. It had been so many years since he had courted anyone, and he was too young at the time to know, or care, what love meant. Why did Essik have to come to him with all these innane questions?! Gods forbid he asked about anything more intimate, sex could not have been that different for drow.

Essik was looking at him when he turned back around. He reached out, so his hand covered his.

"Show me."

 _"Was?"_ Caleb asked, his voice catching. Essik was leaning perilously close, now. He had to do or say _something_ , or he might miss his chance altogether, and never have another.

"I want to know what it feels like. Just one kiss, in return for my spells."

It seemed so... charmingly innocent a request, too innocent to be a trick. Too appealing to be a trick. He wanted to follow this thread, and see where it led. Caleb raised one hand, lightly clasped his slender neck, met his eyes and held his gaze for a long moment before his eyes fell to his lips. Essik tensed, expectantly. It would be so easy, he thought, to close the distance between them, as if it meant nothing... so he stopped thinking. He drew him closer and into a kiss. The kiss itself was too brief, and left him wanting more. He was out of practice; just testing the waters to see what would happen. Essik broke away, then wet his lips. When Caleb opened his eyes, he found Essik was staring intently up at him. Magic fireflies still danced around their heads. He had forgotten to disperse them.

"That was... interesting," Essik observed, mechanically, blinking.

He had been chosen to watch over these Empire humans and their friends for a reason. He may have been one of the youngest members of the Bright Queen's circle, but he was studious, and his research into the lives, customs, and history of humans, halflings, and other races seldom seen in Xhorhas had distinguished him from his peers, who either focused on local history or on a purely clinical understanding of the Empire and its subjects, which neglected to take into account all their harmless rituals and habits. Despite all his studying, nothing had prepared him for... this. Caleb was nothing like the humans he read about. There was nothing dangerous about him. He was not as strong as him; his skin was soft and warm, his eyes full of feeling, betraying a sensitive heart, and his body had not been designed, like a drow's, to live for centuries, even unconsecuted. He was far too fragile. It worried Essik. He wished there was more he could do to protect him.

"You've never been kissed before?" Caleb asked with genuine surprise. He had presumed that someone like Essik, who was so good looking and charming and important among his people, would have had hoards of admirers lining up. He was beginning to see, now, for the first time, how lonely he was. So much of his confidence and bravado was an act. Caleb could easily undo it with a word or look.

"Drow don't... we don't kiss much. We show affection in other ways, through... vows, or deeds, or..." he stopped himself. Of course he had kissed people before. He had kissed plenty of people. Caleb did not need to know about that. They didn't matter.

 _Like stealing a book from the Conservatory?_ Caleb wondered. He knew the house was a gift from the Bright Queen, and Essik was just the messenger, the go-between. The book, however... that must have been Essik's idea. He had gone out of his way to acquire it for him, one way or another, because he knew it would make him happy.

"Thank you," he finally concluded. It had evidently taken a lot of stumbling in the dark to find that particular phrase. Caleb found it amusing he felt it necessary to thank him at all. It was not even a very good kiss. If he stayed a little longer, maybe he could make it worth his while. Maybe they could try again. Caleb threaded a hand through his hair. It was unbelievably soft, and white as freshly fallen snow.

"You should be kissed more often. You're very handsome," Caleb said, unable to stop himself. The words poured from his lips of their own accord. It was hard to see the delicate dark elf slumped against his shoulder as dangerous, even though he knew he was.

"So are you. I've never seen anyone quite like you before," he remarked quietly. Humans were a rarity in Xhorhas, but Caleb was so used to growing up among them that it was hard to get his head around the idea that anyone could find someone as ordinary as him exotic or interesting.

Essik's eyes fluttered shut. He was breathing softly. Caleb could hear his heart beat, he was pressed so close. Caleb placed one hand round his waist to steady him, now that sleep was taking hold. The wine Caduceus had brought up must have gone to his head. He was so lithe and slender in his arms. Caleb adjusted himself with care, half afraid those delicate bones, which had lasted so many more years than his, and the body which contained magic so powerful he could probably kill him with a single world, might break beneath his touch. Essik drifted asleep, blithely unaware of the tumultuous whirl of thoughts which were keeping Caleb in turmoil, now, over whether or not to move. It was like when Frumpkin fell asleep in his lap. He hated to move, hated to wake him. Tentatively, he kissed his hair.

He snapped his fingers and the fireflies dispersed. There was still light from the trees, jars harbouring light stolen from the Sun, to save them from being plunged into total darkness. Drows worshipped Luxon, the Light, but they spent so much of their lives in darkness. Caleb tried to imagine what Essik would look like, bathed in sunlight, and whether or not his cosmic skin would shimmer like stardust, and his eyes gleam. _Sunlight?_ Daydreaming was a waste of time, and allowing the mind too much room to speculate, to hope, was... dangerous. Hoping for things, expecting things, always led to disappointment.

"What have you gotten yourself into, now?" Caleb murmured softly to himself, running a hand through the sleeping drow's hair gently, so as not to wake him. Caduceus eventually came back to collect the plates. Caleb delicately extricated himself from Essik's arms, then looked helplessly to Caduceus for assistance. He was smaller than him, but still too heavy for the wizard to lift.

"Can you help me carry him?" He asked. It was not a request he had ever expected to make.

"Certainly, Mister Caleb! Where to?" Caduceus replied, cheerful as ever.

"Guest room?"

"He can have my bed, it's closer. I can sleep out in the garden. I'd like that."

Caduceus picked Essik up as if he weighed nothing at all, and carted him to his room, when he placed him on the bed, and dragged a blanket over his shoulder. Caleb hovered close to his shoulder all the while. They kept the door open, so Essik would not panic when he awoke in a strange room, and think himself trapped. When they had moved far enough away from the sleeping Essik, Caleb finally spoke up. He had been mulling, for some time, over what he would say, and how.

"Please... don't tell the others."

"What am I not supposed to tell the others, Mister Caleb?"

"I... did not expect any of this to happen," Caleb admitted, still restless. "He was just supposed to teach me magic!"

 _I had a plan!_ he wanted to add, but stopped himself. He had a terrible plan which was, at heart, nothing more than a thinly-veiled excuse to get closer to Essik. Caduceus did not need to know about that.

Caduceus went quiet for a moment, looking from Caleb to the sleeping drow, whose arm had now curled around a pillow in his sleep, and surmised, with his impeccable insight, what had happened.

"We can't help who we care about," he observed, or began to, before Caleb cut him off.

 _"Can't we?"_ He asked, a rising note in his voice. "I know he's a spy, sent here to gather information on us."

"You still care for him, knowing this?"

Caleb slowly, reluctantly, nodded _yes._ Essik was... unique. He appeared so confident and self-assured, at first, but the longer you spoke to him, the more vulnerable he became. He seemed to have come there that day against his will. Some part of him knew this was a bad idea, too, yet he had come anyway. That must mean _something!_

"I won't tell anyone, Mister Caleb. If you like him... he can't be all bad. I trust your judgment," Caduceus declared, confidently, letting a heavy hand fall on Caleb's shoulder.

"Thank you," Caleb answered quietly. "You're a nice man, Caduceus."

"Just be careful, okay? Don't give away too much, in case you're right."

"Ja, I know. Caduceus?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say... you've been a very good friend these past few months, putting up with all my bullshit."

"If it makes you happy, it's not bullshit."

"It's just... it's been so long since I felt this way about anyone. I made a point of never getting attached to people, when I left... when I was on the run... I did not want to leave behind any loose ends they could get at, and hurt me with. I had seen the way they destroyed others, by hurting the people closest to them. I did not want to get close to anyone, for fear... that might happen again. That was why I did not want to get close to you, to any of you! I thought it would be dangerous. Now I see... there's no way I would have survived this long without you."

"Destiny finds a way."

His lips twitched nervously.

"I don't know whether or not I believe in destiny. It's a word they threw around a lot in the Cerberus Assembly... they told us it was our destiny to serve them. Now... I know better."

He knew they were just the one's with all the power, because Caleb and his friends were only children at the time, who could easily be controlled, and indoctrinated, to carry out their will. As much as he disliked the thought of being seen, in his homeland, as a traitor... he could not allow the Cerberus Assembly to get away with this unpunished, and make others suffer as he did. If the only way to prevent that meant aligning himself with the Kryn Dynasty, well... they did not look as bad, up close, as the Empire made them seem from afar. They were not the monsters he was always told they were. They were not inherently good, or bad, or... anything. They were just people. They just wanted to live their lives, and protect their homes, like everyone else.

"The who?" Caduceus asked, blissfully unaware. He must have been left out of that particular conversation. Even if he had been present, he would probably have forgotten all about it by now. He had a terrible memory. Caleb envied him.

"Nevermind," Caleb said with a sigh, casting one cursory glance back at the sleeping Essik before turning on his heels and marched downstairs, then straight to his study. That would be a problem for tomorrow. Essik... would be a problem for tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

Essik had fallen asleep easily enough, encircled by thick wool blankets in the firbolg cleric's oversized bed, but he did not sleep very deeply, or for very long. The bed itself was long, but narrow. Even stretched out, Essik barely reached halfway. He crawled out of bed to slip out through the opened door and onto the rooftop. The lights on the tree lit up the whole garden. Everything was quiet and still, here. The Lucid Bastion was never this silent. Everyone was fast asleep. No one ever sleeps, in the Lucid Bastion. For a time, he closed his eyes, and perched on the side of the garden, listened to the sounds of the night, to the breeze and distant stir of wildlife. He contemplated slipping away now, and returning home without a word, before anyone noticed his absence, and before his hosts woke up, but decided it would be more shameful to slip away like a criminal, than it would be if he calmly met his hosts the following day as if nothing had happened.

 _What had happened?_ He kissed Caleb. Even better, Caleb kissed _him._ No, that's not entirely true... that made it sound as if he had not been the aggressor, the inciter. He had batted his eyes, pretended to be oh-so-naive, and lured Caleb into kissing him. Then he fell asleep, or pretended to, resting his head on his shoulders, and the wizard had gone out of his way, and taken such care, to gingerly run a hand through his hair, and stay as still as a statue, before asking Caduceus to put him to bed in the spare room. _Such a gentleman._

 _"If you like him... he can't be all bad,"_ Caduceus had said. He would have drawn encouragement from those words, if that was all he heard, but he also remembered Caleb saying something about only wanting Essik for his magic. He was not sure what to believe, now. To begin with, he had only wanted Caleb for his secrets. Maybe there was still hope. Maybe he could change his mind. _  
_

He looked down at his hands, his arms. White sleeves, pinned back. Everything neat and orderly. Never a thread out of place. A gold pocket-watch and compass, a present given to him upon his consecution, in the pocket of the narrow black trousers he wore beneath his cloak, when he did not wear robes. Someone had taken off his cloak and hooked it over the foot of the bed. He wondered if Caleb or Caduceus actually removed it. The thought of Caleb undressing him... sounded too good to be true. No, Caleb wouldn't touch him, he was too respectful; too repressed. Caduceus might, to be polite, or out of fear the collar might be too restrictive to let him sleep. He looked down at his leg, and the brace he wore. Would Caduceus have seen that when he slid off his boots? Would he have mentioned it?

Essik shook his head. It was not worth worrying about, now. What's done was done. If he did know, if he did tell the others... he could always reset time, and make sure he did not make the same mistake twice. He used to reset time for the most ridiculous reasons. Now, he knew better. Playing with time had too many unforeseen consequences. It was usually better to just let time play out naturally, to see where mistakes led, and learn from them. He had already made far too many mistakes that week, but the worst had been asking Caleb to kiss him. He had gone about it all wrong. He still had no way of knowing whether or not Caleb liked him, or whether he just felt indebted to him. He had overheard part of his conversation with Caduceus, but he still could not work out what Caleb was trying to say. All he could tell was that he seemed to regret inviting him in, regret kissing him, regret letting it go any further.

All Essik could think about was how much he wanted to kiss him again. His head was spinning.

Caduceus woke early to prepare breakfast. Essik could smell food cooking, and hear the clatter of pots and pans downstairs. Caduceus eventually came upstairs to water his garden, and greeted Essik warmly, as if Essik was a regular sight to see perched on the rooftop first thing in the morning. Essik had slipped on his boots right away, to make his spell less obvious, but still felt strange without his cloak. He shivered in the cold open air. It reminded him of the balcony in the Lucid Bastion, where he'd sometimes go to take the air, and on a rare clear day, observe the stars, before the ritual began.

"Nice day we're having," Caduceus hummed as he tended his gardens. Days and nights looked much the same in Xhorhas. It was hard to tell where one ended, and another began; but Caduceus worked like clockwork. He always rose at the same hour to water his precious plants.

For Essik, time was... malleable. He could bend it to his will. He had nothing to fear from time.

"You miss the sunlight, don't you?" Essik observed, ever attentive to his surroundings, and the people in them.

"Yes. Don't you?"

Essik gave a light shrug. Drow could not tolerate direct sunlight without pain, even though they worshipped the Luxon, and endured its light as a show of faith. Still, he liked the tree. Its light didn't hurt him. Indeed, he found himself strangely drawn to its light, like a moth to a flame.

"It doesn't mean the same thing to us. We belong in the dark." He paused, for a moment, staring down below him, before lifting his head to cast a glance back at Caduceus. "But I can tell you belong in the light." _Caleb, too. You all do._

Caduceus nodded, smiling. He always seemed so restful, so at peace. How did such a gentle soul come to live and work among such a... colourful array of characters? He did not fit, or he should not have fitted, yet he clearly belonged there. He had become part of the family—and it was a family. Essik could see that, now. They were so like a Den, always looking out for one another, always working together, to further the common interest, the common goal. But each had their own unique paths and motives, as well. Sometimes they diverged from that 'common goal.' In Den Theylas... no one ever strayed from the common goal without penalty. Private interests were always suspected.

"Are you staying for breakfast?" Caduceus asked.

"Do you think Caleb would mind?"

Essik did not want to stay, if that meant he would embarrass Caleb. He did not want to leave, either, for fear it might offend him.

"Caleb likes seeing you. He's always happy when you visit," Caduceus insisted, still smiling.

"You think so?" Essik asked, brilliant golden eyes shining in the light of the tree. _He certainly doesn't show it._

Caduceus set down the watering can, and threaded his hands together, before turning to face him. His face had taken on a grim expression, which worried Essik, who had only ever seen him smiling.

"What are your intentions towards him, exactly?" He asked, clearly concerned for Caleb's welfare. They really were his Den, weren't they?

Essik's eyes narrowed, and he looked down at his boots again. He had been mulling over that question for some time.

"I'm not sure. I... want to get to know him better. I enjoy spending time with him. That's all I know, now," he answered, deciding that was the diplomatic response. The reality was much simpler. All he wanted was for Caleb to want him.

Caduceus nodded his head, sympathetically.

"Just... be patient with him. He's had a difficult life, but... I think, underneath it all, he's a good man, with an important destiny."

An 'important destiny' did not sound promising to Essik. An 'important destiny' sounded more like a curse.

"Try not to break his heart," Caduceus added, as he started to head towards the stairs. "Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes."

Essik had no intention of breaking anyone's heart, he just wanted... more of this. But he only wanted it if Caleb wanted it, and the only way he could find out whether or not Caleb wanted the same thing was if he found a way to level the playing field. Essik had offered him magic and power for the low, low price of an 'IOU,' which Caleb could easily have mistaken for some kind of business transaction. That's not what Essik was after at all. He wanted something real. _Since when? Since last night?_ It was only one kiss. He had been pawing Caleb for hours, as he meticulously pieced his way through spells. He was trying to be subtle. A hand on his shoulder, or trailing down his arm, the premeditated brushing of hands or legs in a way that could laughingly be written off as 'accidental.' Any excuse to be near him; casual intimacy as a sign of trust. He had been searching all day for a sign, any sign, that Caleb might be receptive to his interest, but any reciprocation seemed to start and end with that kiss. If he were more persistent, and Caduceus had not interrupted them, perhaps he might have coaxed Caleb into staying the night.

 _Is it worth it?_ He wondered as he slowly rose to his feet and made his way back to Caduceus' room, where a water basin stood waiting for him, along with his cloak. He dipped his hands in the water, then let it run over his face, the water cool and refreshing. _All this trouble for one measly little human? He only kissed you out of pity._ He wished he had someone, anyone, he could talk to. The only person who leapt to mind was Ameera, but she would never be able to understand this—it was a step too far. She hated humans, and the Empire, more than most, and always put her duty to the Bright Queen first. If she knew... she'd either ridicule him, or report him. He was supposed to keep watch over these newcomers entrusted to his care, not fraternize with them. For all he knew, they _could_ be working for the Empire, as unlikely as it seemed. He had hoped to have gotten closer to Caleb and Beauregard by now, but they were both extremely guarded when questioned about their past and politics. He had learned precious little about the Empire from either of them. _I must finish what I set out to do. I must find something, anything, I can tell the Bright Queen, to appease her. It doesn't matter how I get this information, so long as I do._ If that meant getting closer to Caleb... all the better. They needed to talk more. No one said he had to use coercion to find out their secrets. It might be easier, and more painless, simply to ask.

 

***

 

Caleb was surprised to see Essik slink downstairs into the dining room that morning, as if this had happened before, as if he had always lived there, and he was merely going through the motions. He had expected Essik to slip away as soon as he woke without a word. Instead, he stayed for breakfast. Caleb did not know what to make of this, but tried to look indifferent. Caduceus had woken early to tend to his garden and cook a hot breakfast for the Nein. Caleb had been the first to come down to the table, and picked at his meal absentmindedly, while pouring over a book. He had hoped more time would pass before he saw Essik again, so he would have time to prepare an explanation for last night. Now he found himself at a loss for words. None of them seemed right. Why did he have to stay? Why did he have to make this harder for him than it already was? Essik had been so eager to cut short their lesson and return home that first night—when Caleb had asked him to stay, wanted him to stay—that he assumed Essik made a habit out of disappearing. Another one of his "specialties," perhaps. Now the one time Caleb wanted him to leave without a word, he was finally ready to talk.

"May I?" Essik asked as he approached the table, indicated the chair directly opposite Caleb.

"Suit yourself," Caleb answered curtly, not looking up from his book.

Essik pulled the chair out from the table and sat down. A plate of food was brought out and placed in front of him.

"You are an excellent cook, Caduceus!" Essik exclaimed after a few bites. Caduceus nodded, smiling warmly, before finishing off his own plate. Essik scanned the room before his eyes found their way back to Caleb, who was still trying very hard to ignore him. He had been beating himself up all night for the careless way he had behaved, and he was not ready to face the consequences, now.

"Where are the rest of your friends?" Essik asked, noting all the empty chairs. It was a long table for just the two of them.

"Still sleeping, I suspect." Caleb answered with a yawn.

"Good. I was hoping to speak with you privately," Essik said, briefly glancing towards Caduceus before his gaze returned to Caleb, who gave an exaggerated sigh.

He knew this conversation would have to happen eventually, but he had not been looking forward to it. He set aside his book and looked to Caduceus, who seemed blissfully unaware anything was going on. Caleb trusted Caduceus to look out for him and his best interest. What had Beau said, the other day, about being 'too blinded' by someone to think straight, and needing a friend to keep you on the right course? He needed that, now. He could not stop thinking about the night before, and how easily Essik had _allowed_ himself to be vulnerable, falling asleep slumped against his shoulder, weaving his hands around his waist, holding him close... too much time had passed since he had known such calm, easy intimacy. It reminded him of things he did not care to remember; of a past he had thought dead and buried.

 _'Allowed'_ was an important caveat. Essik was clearly an intelligent man. He knew exactly what he was doing. Caduceus would see through him; he saw through everyone. Why not lean on him now?

"Anything you can say to me, you can say before him. Go on," Caleb instructed, still not meeting the drow's eye.

Essik nodded. He was perfectly happy to play by Caleb's rules. If he wanted him to work for this, and make his declaration in front of witnesses... so be it. He would not be thrown off his course, now that he had made up his mind which path to take.

"I'm not a spy. I know that's what you think, what you all think, I overheard you while I was... I'm not a spy," Essik began, with conviction. Caleb tensed at that. So he had been tricked, after all. He was only pretending to be asleep. _How much did he overhear? How much did I say?_ he wondered, thinking back. "The Queen asked me to keep an eye on you, yes... but only to make sure you and your friends were comfortable here. She is not afraid of you, although she does not understand your motive for coming here, but... she is afraid of losing you. That is why... the house," he gestured, vaguely, around them, at the spacious interior of the freshly decorated mansion.

"That makes sense," Caleb replied, nodding slowly. _The house is... what? An incentive, or a cage?_

He was already too busy replaying last night's conversation in his head to care, trying to recall all he had said in vivid detail. As he did, he flushed, frowning slightly. He had said rather more than he should have. He should have known better than to drink so much around him. To lower his guard.

"We were afraid you might leave, now that you have our gratitude and our coin. She sent me to... make sure that didn't happen."

Caleb swallowed hard. That sounded... faintly menacing. _In what way is he not a spy?_

"Is that a threat?" He asked.

"No, it's not a threat at all, Caleb! You and your friends are not prisoners here, we would never hold you against your will in Xhorhas. You are all free to go, whenever you feel like it. Only... we would like you to stay. We have need of you, and your friends. Our army is... not what it was. Not what it could be." Essik was being as forthright and honest as he could be, now. He was putting all of his cards on the table.

"You want us to help you?" Caleb clarified, trying to keep up. "To fight in your war against the Empire?"

Essik shook his head. Yes, the Dynasty needed all the help it could get, but that was not why he was here. He was here to establish whether or not they were true friends of the Dynasty, and all they knew about the Empire.

"The Bright Queen just wanted me to make sure you meant it when you called yourself an enemy of the Empire."

"No one hates the Empire more than I do, but... my reasons are my own."

 _So this was all a trap,_ Caleb concluded. _He is a spy for the Bright Queen, even though he has tried to persuade himself otherwise. His kindness towards me was premeditated. Everything that has happened, since we met, since that first lesson, has been premeditated._ He had predicted this would happen from the start, but it still hurt to know his fears and anxieties had been justified. For a single moment he allowed himself to believe perhaps they were baseless, and perhaps... this could be leading somewhere, anywhere. It was just a dream, but... he wanted to believe in it, even if only for a day or two. Essik could not even give him that luxury. _  
_

"Did she ask you..." Caleb began, then stopped short, mulling over his words. This was not an easy question to ask. "Did she tell you to take a... particular interest in me?" It sounded conceited for him to presume he would be of special interest to the Queen, but he was the one Essik singled out, for lessons and social calls. He had been the one Essik kissed. He had to know why.

"She mentioned you. She thinks you're a very powerful mage, or... you could be, one day, with the right training. She knows you would be a useful ally and a dangerous enemy. But she did not give me any 'special orders,' no—and she did not tell me to teach you spells, either. That was my own idea," Essik explained, evenly. It was the truth. He owed Caleb the truth. He respected him, and his intelligence, too much to go on lying to him a second longer than necessary. "Coming back... was my idea. She does not know I am here, now."

"You're disobeying orders?" Caleb asked, raising one brow as he brought a crust of toasted bread to his mouth. His anxiety did not stop his hunger. _Why_ would Essik disobey orders? It did not fit with the rest of the information Caleb knew about him. His career and his Queen seemed to be the only things he cared about, besides magic. Why would Essik risk his career, and his good standing with the Queen, just to spend time with him?

Essik licked his lips, looking away, while he collected his thoughts, before drawing himself up to full height.

"In a way, yes."

"When you see the Bright Queen, will you tell her what happened?"

He shook his head, meeting Caleb's eyes, now. He offered a reassuring smile, but it looked forced. It _was_ forced.

"What is there to tell? I kept an eye on the house, saw how pleased you all look, and saw... you were setting down roots. She would be pleased with that report. It means you are less likely to leave us."

"We do have to leave soon. To run an errand in Nicodranas. We will be coming back, though." Caleb did not have to tell him that. He did not have to tell him where they were going, but he wanted to. It seemed a fair trade; trust for trust. If he wanted Essik to continue being open and honest with him... he might as well return the favour.

Essik opened his mouth, then closed it. He tried to conceal his dismay.

"As you wish. You are not prisoners of the Dynasty. You can come and go as you please," he reiterated. It was an important detail. Caleb had to know his independence and liberty were not under threat, here. Essik could not ask him what he wanted to, and could not be sure of his answer, unless Caleb knew he was not under any obligation to accept.

A silence fell between them.

"My friends and I... we are not good people. We have all done things we are not proud of, to get ahead in life, or simply to survive," Caleb began, shifting the conversation, and the blame, away from Essik, who clearly looked upset now. He may have lied to them, but Caleb had told his share of lies, so he was hardly in any position to hold that against him.

"I haven't," Caduceus interjected quietly, only half-listening to their conversation. He set down a tea tray at the table. Essik gave him a polite nod of thanks, before accepting the one nearest him. He brought it to his lips and drank. It was very warm. He concentrated on the warmth.

"Except for Caduceus," Caleb added, parenthetically. "But we are not traitors. We will keep our promises."

 _What promise have you made the Bright Queen?_ Essik wondered, The Nein had gained the favour of the Kryn Dynasty when they returned the Beacon. They had maintained it, by working for them, by doing odd jobs to secure or replenish supplies and territory, and catching spies. They had yet to say anything conclusive about their stance towards the Dynasty itself, apart from establishing the fact they had a common enemy. It was a starting point, sure, but if they truly wanted an alliance with the Dynasty... they would have to be more explicit about their motivations. They would have to make an official statement in front of the entire Assembly, if they really wanted to win the Dynasty's _trust._ Its favour was still conditional; it could be tested, or withdrawn, so easily. _Trust_ was more secure, but to win the trust of the Dynasty, the Nein would have to work for it. Running off to Nicodranas to do Luxon knows what, was hardly going to convince them of the Nein's investment in the Dynasty.

"I believe you," Essik answered with conviction.

 _You shouldn't,_ Caleb wanted to reply, but stopped himself. He moved to his feet. Essik followed suit, without really knowing why.

"I should leave, shouldn't I?" Caduceus said as he also stood up, suddenly self-conscious. He began collecting plates and neatly filed them away in a stack in the kitchen, before retreating to his garden. He liked to recycle leftovers, the way he recycled everything. _Even people,_ Caleb thought with a wry smile, shaking his head. Essik did not say goodbye this time. He held Caleb's gaze, or tried to. This was important. He was taking a great risk, talking so freely, but it would amount to nothing if he did not say all he had set out to.

_I'm lucky to still be here. I'm lucky he hasn't thrown me out already. I should not push my luck. I should not waste any more time.  
_

"Caleb... I need you to know you can trust me. If you don't believe I've told you everything, your friend, the blue one... she can cast Zone of Truth over me," Essik continued, remembering the report which said Jester used Zone of Truth to find out the beacon belonged to the Kryn. If that spell had been powerful enough to restore hope to the Dynasty, it might be powerful enough to win back Caleb's faith in him, if he had ever had any to begin with.

The offer made Caleb hesitate. He turned to look at Essik and take him in. He looked quite... helpless, really, like a cat who had been left out in the rain. All colour had left him, and his eyes looked sad. He was no longer glowing.

"I don't need Zone of Truth. For what it's worth... I believe you, too."

He did not like using suggestion, or charm, or Zone of Truth, on others, unless he absolutely had to. He knew what it felt like to be on the other end of such spells, to lose control, to feel powerless. He hated that feeling too much to inflict it on others without good cause.

"I was hoping... maybe I could see you again, if you're not leaving right away..."

"You are always welcome to visit, Essik," Caleb replied, still out of sorts. This conversation had already drawn on for too long, and his safety net, Caducues, had run away. "Well! I am going to my study now. Feel free to make yourself at home," he said, intending to stage a retreat. Before he could, Essik had moved to the other side of the table.

"May I join you?" Essik asked, no longer sounding as confident and self-assured as he had the day before. An hour before. Caleb shrugged, gave an indifferent reply which was neither 'yes' nor 'no,' and marched off towards his study. Essik followed him.

"I think we need to clarify a few things. Is that okay with you?" He asked once he had passed inside, and Caleb had closed the door behind them. Caleb shot him a questioning look, but didn't say anything, as he scanned his bookshelves instead, and returned to its rightful place the tome he had chosen to read over breakfast. Essik continued, undeterred. If he did not seek some kind of resolution now, he might never have it. He might never be invited back. (He would understand if Caleb never invited him back.) He might spend his whole life, and several future lives, wondering what would have happened if he only had the courage to tell Caleb how he felt. _Feelings?_ _Better add that to the list. One more thing I'm not allowed to have. Why break one rule when you could break them all?_

"Go ahead. What do you want to know?" Caleb asked, crossing his arms as he spun around to face Essik.

"Are you _only_ interested in learning magic from me, or... is there another reason why you invited me over?" He asked, with the faintest suggestion of a nervous smile.

A silence which drew out far too long followed.

"I don't think we should continue our lessons," Caleb finally replied.

Essik nodded. He would miss their lessons, but if that was the only way to salvage their working relationship, so be it.

"No more lessons, fine. Do you want me to go? I could ask the Bright Queen to assign you to someone else..."

"You don't have to go," Caleb insisted quietly. He looked down at the floor, then back at the bookshelf before him, which was still too empty. "My friends like you. They would miss you." Would he have to tell the others what Essik told him? Would they still trust him, if they knew he was a spy? He thought back to a conversation he had the other day with Fjord and Yasha. _No, they already think he's a spy. They like him anyway. I was the only one foolish enough to think he was not reporting back every word we said, every move we made, from day one._

"I don't care about them. Would _you_ miss me?" Essik asked, more to the point. He thought it was more to the point. Caleb still seemed oblivious. This _had_ to be an act! He was too intelligent to be this willfully ignorant.

Caleb went silent, slowly trailing a hand across the spine of an old book. Essik was running out of patience.

"I find you very attractive, Caleb. Do you find me attractive?"

His hand stopped, and he frowned. It took him a few moments to reply.

"You're a handsome man, Essik," he finally said, still avoiding his eye. "Anyone could see that. You don't need me to tell you..."

"I want to come back. I want to see you again. I want to kiss you again. Do you understand?" Caleb slowly nodded, finally meeting his eye. "I am asking if I may court you."

"Do I have to answer right away?" Caleb asked in a low, distant voice which made him sound miles away. He sounded almost... afraid. This wasn't what Essik wanted at all. Maybe he had spoken too soon.

"You don't _have_ to do anything, Caleb!" Essik exclaimed, perhaps too loudly. He immediately regretted raising his voice, as Caleb instinctively tensed, not expecting it. He was evidently used to being shouted at, and ordered around, told what to do. _By who? Who were you, before we met? Before you became Caleb?_ Essik wondered. He had asked himself that question before, but this time it was only concern for Caleb's welfare which made him ask it. He was no longer afraid of him; only for him.

There was no getting around this, no ignoring it. Caleb allowed himself to run his eyes over Essik, as if seeing him for the first time. He was beautiful; he knew that. He was strong. At first glance, you could so easily underestimate his strength, but he was stronger than he looked. Yet his voice, and eyes, were so soft, so enchanting, so soothing. He had liked it, when Essik wrapped an arm around him, and rested his head against his shoulder. He had liked being close to him. He had told himself, from the start, he could ignore his attraction, he could stamp it out, but... he had forgotten how nice it feels, when someone holds you in their arms. The warmth of another body, pressed against your own. Nothing could replicate that, and nothing could replace it.

His eyes worked their way up to Essik's. He knew what he represented. He knew he was dangerous. He knew he was probably just using him, but... that did not change the fact he had given him lessons, given him spells, taken a risk, and made himself vulnerable, simply to see him, now. He liked the lessons. He liked his company. He liked talking to him. He liked making him smile. And when Caleb couldn't speak, when he ran out of words, or couldn't find the right ones... Essik still seemed to understand him, without needing words. Those expressive eyes. Warm hands. But it's not lust, and it's not loneliness. It's not love, either. He just enjoyed spending time with him, even though he made him nervous, even though his heart raced whenever he was near, and he always said the wrong thing, and he could break him with a look.

Caleb frowned. He could think of a hundred ways this could go horribly wrong, but... he sincerely wanted to know what would happen if he followed that thread. If he went into this without any expectations, without any preconceptions that it would last... maybe it would not be so bad to take up his offer, just as an experiment. Just to see what happens. With Essik's help, he could become stronger. With Caleb's help, and the help of his friends, Essik might stand a chance of saving his precious Dynasty. A relationship _could_ be mutually beneficial.

"You may court me."

"Are you sure?"

Caleb nodded.

It might not be politic, getting involved with Essik, when their allegiance was not clearly established, when they were still playing both sides, but... he wanted to see what would happen. It was not his fault Essik was so charming. He had found himself strangely drawn to him from the very first day they met, when Essik smiled at him, and he smiled back. Caleb had wanted to get to know him better. Either his curiousity or his desire were overriding his reason, and clouding his judgment, now. He was usually so pragmatic, so logical, always planning everything ten steps ahead... but he could not be logical and pragmatic about this. When it was just about getting spells... it was so much easier. Now that he had to admit to himself, for the first time, that he wanted more than just magic, all of his plans were going up in smoke.

 _Stop thinking,_ he reminded himself. _Enjoy the moment._

It took Essik a minute to process Caleb's reply. He had not expected it. He wanted to react, to do _something,_ to embrace him or kiss him or... but he was afraid that might overwhelm Caleb and scare him away. He would have to take this slow. One step at a time.

"Well, good. I'm glad." A soft smile, which Caleb echoed. "I'm sorry I lied to you before. If we are really going to do this... I want to do it right. I want to start over. No more lies."

"I would like that, too," Caleb insisted, his bright eyes lighting up. _Luxon have mercy, he's so lovely. Too lovely.  
_

"May I kiss you before I go?" Essik asked, tilting his head to one side.

He was always so polite, always asking permission. Caleb appreciated that. He hated surprises. He needed warnings.

"Yes."

Essik glided forward, taking up Caleb's hand, and tilting his head to one side as their lips met. Caleb resisted at first, out of habit, but quickly eased into the kiss. He raised a hand to cover the nape of Essik's neck, holding him there, prolonging the kiss, savouring it. As long as he did not overthink this, and tried to enjoy the time they had together, for as long as it was theirs... it might not be so terrible to be courted by the Bright Queen's Shadowhand.

"Good-bye, Caleb Widogast. Good luck on your journey," Essik murmurred as he pulled away.

Caleb's eyes had gone dim and he was smiling faintly, still reeling from the kiss. Essik smiled back, amused by his reaction. 

"Good-bye, Essik," Caleb replied, once he had found his voice.

How far they had come, and it had only taken a few weeks. Essik lightly tapped his cheek before turning to the door.

"Thank Caduceus for the tea," he called over his shoulder, as he opened the door. Before Caleb could respond, he was gone.

He waited a few minutes before leaving his study to compose himself. Once he did, he scanned the first floor to see if anyone else had come down yet. Beau was busy eating breakfast, but no one else was around. The number of half-empty plates on the table had multiplied, so others had likely come and gone. Beau was taking her time. When she spotted him, her mouth was full, but she dropped her knife and fork with a loud clatter to shoot him two thumbs up. He squinted, confused. When she finished chewing, she took a swig of her drink and set it down with a loud thud on the table before waving him over.

"Are you going to tell me why Her-Lady's-Shadowhand-Essik-Mother-Fucking-Theylas just left your bedroom?"

He had only left his study, but 'through the study' happened to be the only way to leave Caleb's bedroom, so he could understand why she had jumped to that conclusion. He also saw it would be a waste of time to explain what _had_ just happened, because he was not entirely sure himself. He just stared, in glassy-eyed silence, at the door. He lifted his hand to cover his mouth, where he had felt Essik's sharp teeth forcefully, yet tenderly, part his lips. He had nearly drawn blood. Caleb would have to be more careful, next time. His eyes went wide. His heart was still beating uneven.

Beau quickly ran out of patience. He was acting weird again.

"Caleb, talk to me! If you're banging the hot drow wizard who is almost definitely a spy, we need to have a house meeting or something."

He sighed and shook his head.

"Beauregard," he began evenly, "I am not banging the hot drow wizard who is almost definitely a spy. If I was, you'd be the first to know."

"Something happened last night!"

She was speaking too loudly. Afraid the others might overhear, he walked over to the table and took the chair opposite her, before leaning forward with crossed arms to look her in the eyes, sternly.

"Has it ever occurred to you that other people are entitled to a little privacy?" He responded, lowering his voice and hoping she would take the hint and follow suit.

"You're upset! I want to know why. Who do I have to fight?" She asked, at full volume, completely missing the hint.

"Last night... I may have kissed him," he admitted, knowing he would regret it the moment the words left his mouth.

Beau was smiling uncontrollably now. That was a better answer than the one she expected. That answer was _priceless._

"You're not sure? Was it too dark? Were you wearing a blindfold?"

"This is why I don't tell you things!" He said, throwing both of his hands in the air. "Just promise me you won't tell the others."

He could already imagine the hell Jester would give him if she found out. Fjord would worry, he would say _'remember what happened with Avantika and learn from my mistakes,'_ and Jester would give him hell.

"Pinky swear. So what was it like? _Magical?_ Are you going to kiss him again? Are you going to try for second base?"

Caleb was going beat red, now, so she could tell her interrogation was succeeding. She looked delighted.

"I don't know. It was... unexpected," he answered quietly. "He was so... gentle." He had not expected that, either. Essik had been so patient and gentle with him. _Too gentle,_ as if he thought Caleb really was made of glass, and might break, if he were not careful.

Her smile instantly fell away. She knew that look. This was not a joke.

"Wait, Caleb... you're serious, aren't you? You really care about this guy, don't you?"

 _"I don't know him!"_ Caleb exclaimed, suddenly angry—but not with Beau, with himself. What did he really know about him? Next to nothing. All he did know was that he was dangerous, and he was potentially putting his friends in danger by associating with him.

"Wow, Caleb! I didn't take you for the type," she said with a note of approval in her voice.

He had no idea what that meant. _The type to do what? Care about other people?_ He would have to quickly disabuse her of that notion before she jumped to any conclusions, and realised how much he cared about them all.

"It doesn't matter. We'll probably die in a few weeks, and none of this will matter."

"Way to stay optimistic, man! Is having a crush really so bad you want to die?"

"I don't want to die, I'm just... being pragmatic. What we're doing is incredibly dangerous. We might die any day now."

Even if he was not seeking revenge on Cerberus, even if he was not meddling with forces beyond his ken... it would not change the fact they gambled with their lives every day.

"So you should just... never be happy? Not for one moment? What the fuck, Caleb!" Beau exclaimed. Caleb winced. Her voice was too loud, too critical, but... he knew she had a point.

"This isn't helpful. I'm leaving," he replied in a small voice, pushing his chair back away from the table and standing up. Beau also stood up, extending an arm. He wanted 'helpful'? She'd give him helpful. He clearly needed all the help he could get.

"No, wait, Caleb, wait! If you really like him... start simple. Bring him a gift next time you see him, even if it's just a bottle of cheap wine, or... no, better idea, have it delivered! Then he'll think about you when you're not around, and miss you... which is what you want, right?"

 _"Is it_ what I want?" Caleb echoed, genuinely unsure of the answer.

He had not courted anyone in so many years he had forgotten the rituals. What if human and drow courting rituals were completely different, and he was going about this in all the wrong ways? He would have to look for books on Xhorhassian etiquette and customs. There had to be a local bookstore or library hidden away in Rosohna _somewhere_ that was open to the public.

"If he's thinking about you when you're not around, it means he cares, and if he misses you, he'll go out of his way to see you again... and probably make the first move, which is what you need, because lets face it, you're never going to. Just slip in a few compliments now and then—and not just about his magic, don't make it sound like work compliments, make sure he knows you're hot for him—but don't come on too strong, either!"

He raised a brow, a little taken aback. _Dating advice? Really, Beauregard?_

"What happened to opening with _'wanna make out then have a fight'_?" Caleb asked, forcing back the smile which threatened to break through.

"That works on monks, sure, but you have to know your mark. This guy's a classy, sophisticated, high-ranking government official... you're going to have to use tact. And wine. Lots, and lots, of wine. Trust me, it works!" She insisted.

She seemed... genuine, at least, in her attempt to offer guidance. Caleb appreciated that. He appreciated her friendship. He knew he had not done much to deserve it, but he was grateful, all the same.

"I'll... consider your advice, Beauregard. Thank you."

"Just remember our deal! I've got your back, and you've got mine."

"Yes. Always. Just... say the word."

 _Look out for Dairon, of course. She's helping me, so I can help her. There's always a catch._ Why should he presume Essik was any better, or worse, than them? They were all just opportunists, trying their hardest to get out of this war with their lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

" _Someone's_ been spending an awful lot of time alone with the Bright Queen," Ameera hummed, as she confidently strode through the opened door, into the residence of Shadowhand Essik. "Should I be jealous?" She threw herself down, dramatically, on a settee, propped one arm up, and waited for Essik to set aside his work, and send away his servant. He glowered, a little, when he put down his quill, neatly stacked his papers atop his study, and bid the servant depart with a wave of his hand.

"Go ahead! There's no need for formality, just walk in whenever you feel like it," he quipped, lightly. He glided around the desk and over to where she was seated, brushing her boots off the settee.

"Mother's worried about you. She expected a report straightaway. Are you keeping secrets, darling?" She asked, bringing a hand up to her chin and smiling deviously. Ameera was a striking drow, strong and lithe, ever so slightly taller than him, with long hair drawn back and plaited in less tidy rows. Her clothes hung loosely, and she wore a heavy gold plate necklace and armlet. She was more used to wearing armour than court dress, and looked out of place in it. She always looked out of place in the Lucid Bastion. She preferred to be out of doors, in full armour with a weapon in hand. It was only then she was truly in her element.

"I told Leylas Kryn everything that transpired," he lied, expertly. "I assumed... she would pass on any relevant information at the next Assembly meeting." He sat down beside her, at the end of the settee, and she repositioned herself to make more room, swinging her legs over so her feet touched the floor, allowing him more space.

"What do you make of them, then?" She asked, pressing closer, in a confidential whisper, as if they were not alone, and she did not know Essik, ever wary, ever vigilant, placed wards around his private rooms to ensure no one was spying on him. "Go on! Tell me the truth. I'm not interested in 'official accounts.'"

Ameera only ever received the same approved account of events that every assassin and soldier of the Kryn Dynasty was given. She was a respected member of Den Theylas, but she had not yet earned a place in the Assembly, or consecution. She had always been envious of Essik, her equal, for being elevated above her by the Dynasty, but her envy led to the cultivation of a healthy, respectful rivalry between them.

"There's nothing to tell, little sister." He said, ruffling her hair fondly. "They're a little... eccentric, perhaps, but I don't think they mean us any harm."

They were friends. They were family. He was closer to her than he was to anyone else in their Den, in Rosohna, in Xhorhas. But he was also a logical and pragmatic man. He knew their friendship was conditional. Her loyalty would always be to the Dynasty first, and him, second. She would feel duty bound to report back to the Bright Queen, or their Den Mother, if she found out he had told Caleb everything.

"What are the humans like? Are they all terrible? That tall, buff one with the sword looked particularly menacing!" She cooed, smiling. _You'd get along with Jester,_ he thought, shaking his head, as he remembered the awkward hug she had given him under duress, and the threatened tattoos.

"Humans aren't all bad, Ameera. Don't believe everything the Den Mother tells you."

Ameera shook her head, disappointed by his response. She crossed her legs and casually began braiding her hair. Once upon a time, when they were much younger, and his hair was longer, they had taken turns braiding each other's. She scanned the room, and noticed a book on the nearby table she had not seen before. She picked it up, idly turned a few pages. _A Beginner's Guide to Zemnian?_ Geography was not her specialty, but she knew Zemnian was only spoken deep within the heart of the Empire. He was probably studying it for work. He might have been asked to translate intercepted messages from the Empire, for example. But she remembered the briefing they had received on the newcomers, and could recall overhearing that one of their new guests hailed from the Zemnian Hills. The wizard with the cat. She frowned, her eyes meeting Essik's.

"I wish you would go out more, like you used to. It must get lonely here, with only your books to keep you company."

"I like my books! You worry too much, Ameera," he insisted, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Mother worries, too. She thinks you've been spending too much time with that wizard."

"I gave him _one_ lesson!" Essik scoffed.

"You were gone all night! We were worried sick about you!"

"She's the one who asked me to keep an eye on him in the first place. I was only following orders."

She brought up her legs and crossed them over his lap, then placed her hands behind her head as she lay back down again, fully stretched out across the settee. He bore this inconvenience nobly, without complaint. He was used to her by now; he had built up a tolerance.

"If you were only following orders, why bother about the book? How special is this human of yours, you'd go to all that trouble? Is he so very pretty?" She was fishing for information. _To tell the Den Mother?_ He wondered, but that thought was a grim one. He tried to ignore it.

"I enjoy his conversation. It's nice to have someone I can talk to, intelligently, about arcane matters." He sincerely enjoyed their lessons. Caleb had a good head on his shoulders, and had read widely. They could talk about a great many subjects with ease. Essik's social circle had always been limited, in part because of his high standing. The list of people he was _allowed_ to speak freely to was a short one. It looked bad if the Shadowhand was seen out, fraternizing with 'common people,' but it was hard to talk freely with one's peers, when they were hundreds of years older to you, and had already lived through several lives. You had always to be on your guard. It hurt him to acknowledge the sad reality that he had even to be on his guard with Ameera now, his one and only friend outside of the Assembly.

She scanned him closely as he spoke. She knew how to read people, too. She knew how to read _him._ He was clearly lying to her about this human. He was hiding something. One lesson was enough to gauge this man's worthiness as an opponent. But he had gone back a second, third, and forth time. He had made some excuse to spend the night. When asked why, he got evasive. How stupid did he think she was?

"Teaching him magic is too dangerous. If you make a habit of it, he will only ever see you as a means to an end. If you want him to see you as you are... find a place where you are both on equal footing. Neutral ground. Invite him to dinner somewhere quiet, or go for a walk. Send gifts. Little things, to remind him of you."

"I don't need any help courting men, Ameera."

"Yes, because it's always worked out so well in the past," she observed caustically.

That was unnecessary, and she knew it. She sighed, and shook her head, retracting her legs from his lap.

"I'm sorry, dear. You know what I meant. If you're just trying to impress this human for the Bright Queen's sake, that's fine, but... don't you dare get invested. I know how badly these things may end, if you're not careful."

They had both been nursed on the same stories. They both knew how dangerous it was to fall in love. He had every intention of 'being careful,' every intention of keeping feelings out of this, but he did not see the harm in trying to at least _befriend_ the man he wanted to bed.

"I don't know what to tell you, Ameera. I was only following orders. You're reading more into this then..."

There was a knock at the door. His servant. Under his breath he murmurred a prayer to Luxon, when Ameera looked away. He asked his servant to enter. They said a shipment of books had just arrived, for his perusal. He asked to have the couriers shown in. A few boxes were set down, one by one, in the middle of his study. He walked over to inspect them, shifting through the contents briefly, to make sure his instructions had been followed to the letter, and they had sent the right ones.

"Expanding your collection?" Ameera asked, just to remind him she was still there, and already bored to tears.

She could never understand his fascination with books. She had always preferred acting to thinking. They may have been raised together, and gone through basic training together, but early on in life their paths had diverged, as she trained with daggers and bows, and he trained in magic. Despite their different occupations, they had made every effort to remain close. He still could not help but hesitate and acknowledge that she was no longer the same girl he used to play games with as children in the courtyard of the Lucid Bastion. She was a highly-trained assassin. He had to be cautious of what he said if he did not want to see his own name, or the name of one of his new friends, end up on her list.

"They are for my wards. I thought a few books to fill their empty shelves might make them feel more at home," he explained, diplomatically. As if all the books on his list had not been specifically chosen because they catered to Caleb's tastes.

"You're a lost cause, Essik! Why they ever promoted you to Shadowhand is beyond me," she remarked idly, shaking her head. There was still a note of affection in her voice, which meant he was safe, for now. "You're too soft. Light preserve us if we go to war with you at the helm."

"I can't apologise for having a consecuted soul, Ameera," he replied quietly, his back still turned to her, as he picked through his box of books. He contemplated including a note or letter of some sort for Caleb, but ultimately decided against it. Someone else might read the letter before it ever reached Caleb. He could not take that chance. Caleb seemed to be even more inexperienced when it came to relationships than he was. He did not want to make a public declaration until he knew where they stood. For now... they were just testing the waters. They would go out for dinner in a week's time and see what happened. No rush. No pressure. Take it slow. _He's still afraid of you,_ he reminded himself. He would have to work hard to win back his trust. He did not care how long it took; so long as he succeeded.

"Don't apologise! I think it's sweet you want to spoil them. Just... don't get carried away, and forget your place."

"How could I, with you to remind me?" He asked, shaking his head, as he closed the box and pushed it away from him. He slowly, with difficulty, pushed himself back upright, and off the ground, then signaled for the couriers to take the boxes away

 _I hope you like them, Caleb._ _I hope they make you happy,_ he thought as they took them away. He wished he could be there, to see them delivered, to see his reaction. _I want so much to see you smile._


	7. Chapter 7

Essik waited a few days after the arrival of books before visiting Xhorhaus again. This time, Nott answered the door. Before he could say a word, Nott turned around and cupped her mouth to shout:  _“Caleb, Essik's here!”_

Caleb quickly appeared by Nott's side, reached out to take hold of Essik's wrist, and dragged him indoors, letting the door fall closed behind him. Essik was not sure where this was going, but put up no resistance.

“Would you like something to eat or drink?” Nott asked, or tried to, but Essik could not answer, as he was too busy being dragged through the main hall towards Caleb's study.

“Can't! Too busy! Magic!” Caleb called, over his shoulder, letting go of Essik long enough to open the door to the study and wave him in. After Essik walked in, he followed after him, letting the door fall closed before he caught his breath.

Essik watched him, a bemused expression on his face. He knew he stole him away to save him from going through the regular ritual of having to endure all the Nein's efforts, in turn, to ingratiate themselves with the Shadowhand.

“You gave me books,” Caleb said, not wasting any time. Essik had let some time pass between his most recent visit to give Caleb time to go through the books. He knew it would not take him any longer than a few days, he was such a voracious reader.

“You like books,” Essik responded, not sure where this was going. He had expected Caleb to be happy. He did not sound particularly happy.

“I do. You know I do.”

“If you don’t like the ones I sent, I can order new ones…”

He was stumbling in the dark, now, trying to figure out what he had done wrong this time. He wished Caleb were easier to read.

“The books are… _wunderbar!_ Excellent! I love them. What I want to know is _why.”  
_

_“Why?”_ Essik echoed, uncertain. He had already been clear with Caleb about his intentions. He had established his interest. Sending gifts to someone you wished to court was… customary. Had he overstepped his bounds? Humans were supposed to like gifts.

“Why the books?”

“You said you needed books, and your study looked so empty… just consider it a housewarming gift, dear,” Essik suggested. He was not used to having to explain every gesture, but Caleb seemed to want explanations and names for everything.

“It’s too much. I can’t think what to give you in return. Beau said I should give you a bottle of wine, but… wine isn’t enough." He seemed sincerely distressed that he could not come up with a gift of equal worth.

He had gone to Beauregard for advice. That meant he was talking about him. That meant he cared enough to tell others. That meant he was not afraid to tell others. A small part of him envied Caleb, for having such good friends; for having people he could turn to, and confide in. He had so much power, within Rosohna, within the Dynasty, because of his station, because of his connections. He could have nearly anything that money could buy brought to his door. Yet he would give up all of it for friends like his.

“Caleb… I don’t need a gift,” he insisted, but Caleb looked unconvinced. He no longer had any ulterior motive for wanting to see Caleb and spend time with him. He just wished he could make Caleb see that, and understand.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I want to thank you, but… I don’t know how," he admitted, feeling small and useless again. "The last time we met you kissed me. Am I supposed to kiss you, now, or shake your hand, or…?” He was staring at his hands, without the faintest idea what to do with them. Everything was so much simpler when he was young. He never concerned himself with 'consequences.' Now, they were all he ever thought about, and they left him paralyzed.

“You don’t have to do anything, Caleb. We’ve been over this,” Essik insisted slowly, patiently. He extended a hand to lightly take hold of Caleb’s arm, wanting to reassure him, but the touch only made him tense up. He moved his hand away. “I won’t kiss you again if it upset you."

“I wasn't asking you to stop," he replied. "But you said, before, drow were not keen on kissing?”

All he wanted to know was whether or not it meant the same thing to drow as it did to humans. From what he had read... it did not. Essik had been clear about wanting to court him, but… he had not mentioned anything about feelings. Physical attraction was a start, but… Caleb wanted to know whether or not it went beyond that, or would ever go beyond that. From what he could find on Xhorhas culture, it sounded like drow were a fiercely independent race. They paired off for the purpose of producing offspring, then went their separate ways. Children were raised by the community. Marriages were rare, and almost always politically motivated. There seemed to be no place in their society for romantic relationships that went beyond casual trysts.

“I am _very_ keen on kissing,” Essik reassured him. "I particularly enjoy kissing you. I thought we could do it some more, until we both get _exceptionally_ good at it. There's plenty of other things we could try, too, if you get bored..." he raised a hand to comb a strand of ginger hair back behind his ear. He slowly trailed his other hand down Caleb's arm. He was trying to appear sultry. It was working. He could feel Caleb's pulse quicken under his thumb. He leaned closer to his neck, wanting to press a kiss against the rough, tender skin, hurriedly shaven that morning, which was still raw and tinged red and unmistakably human… but Caleb pulled away before he could.

“We're moving too fast,” Caleb said, voice faltering, as he placed a hand on Essik's chest, holding him at bay. Essik fell back a step, retracting his hands. He had evidently misread the situation. “You said you wanted to court me. Does that mean the same thing to a drow?”

Essik ran a hand over the back of his neck, and smiled nervously. _You're really going to make me say this, now?_

“No, I suppose not. We’re not… as a people, we don’t usually… we’re not a romantic race.”

Caleb hummed, and nodded. _No, don’t… I’m not finished,_ Essik wanted to say, but stopped himself, composed his thoughts.

“I don’t care about that. I don’t care about ‘customs.’ I want to court you. I want to take you out to dinner, or for long walks on the beach, or stargazing on rooftops, or... whatever else humans do in those ridiculous novels of yours. Yes, I read the ones Jester gave me. I don’t know why. Don’t look at me like that. I enjoy spending time with you. I enjoy our talks, and our lessons. I know you’re so much more than just a pretty face, darling.” He had taken to calling him pet names. He was still cycling through them, experimentally, to see which ones suited him best, and which ones made him wince. He let 'darling' go by without complaint, so Essik mentally filed that away on the 'keep' list.

Caleb opened his mouth to speak, then stopped himself. Essik gently reached out to take up his chin, raise his jaw, meet his eyes.

“I’m not good at talking. I’m not much good at anything, besides magic,” he admitted. Why did he put himself into this agonizing situation in the first place? It would have been so much easier, so much less humiliating, if he had declined his offer in the first place, and never gotten involved with him at all.

“Neither am I. We can just take it one day at a time, _ja?”_ He was smiling so gently, even as he lulled his voice at the end, to mimic Caleb’s. His hand was warm. Caleb reached out to take hold of his arm, to hold it there, before he could move away.

 _“Bitte,_ don’t go. We’re leaving soon, and I’m afraid…” he started to explain, then abruptly stopped. He was still not ready to tell him everything. He already knew he was trained as a Scourger, which was bad enough, but… he did not know why he left, why he ‘failed’ his training, or the full scope of what they had done to him. One day he would have to tell him, but... now did not feel like that right time. “We may not come back."

Essik shook his head, and gently ran the back of his hand over Caleb’s cheek, making him close his eyes, like Frumpkin when you scratched behind his ear. He'd have to remember that.

“You’re stronger than you know. You won’t fail. I would come with you, if I could."

“This is my battle. I can't ask you to join me.”

He would not have asked the rest of the Nein to join him, either, if he thought it were possible to slip away without them. They were inseparable now, for better or worse; through thick and thin.

“I understand. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Can I at least try to make your last day a pleasant one?”

Caleb opened his eyes and nodded. A distraction sounded good. A distraction was just what he needed.

“What did you have in mind?” He asked.

As Essik looked past him, at the empty bookshelves which lined the study's dark walls, the perfect idea came to mind.

“I could take you to the Conservatory.”

His eyes widened. Essik smiled a little at that, proud of himself for finding the key which unlocked the wizard’s heart so easily.

“Visitors are not usually allowed, but… I have my ways. Meet me outside in ten minutes. I have a teleportation spell, but we need to get within a hundred feet of the conservatory.”

“You can teleport without a circle?” Caleb asked, evidently impressed.

“I can do lots of things, Caleb,” he insisted, patting his cheek lightly. "Be quick."

Once Caleb was ready, they walked downtown, through the busiest part of Rosohna, until they eventually made it to a quiet alcove just outside the towering Conservatory, but still far from the main entrance, which was heavily guarded. The Dynasty was clever enough to guard its library, knowing information was just as dangerous a weapon as any which lined the walls of its arsenal. He grabbed Caleb’s arm at the wrist and guided him towards the darkened alcove, where they blended easily into the shadows. Caleb put up his hood and watched attentively as Essik closed his eyes and focused on the words of his teleportation spell. Within a few moments, they had all three disappeared, only to reappear within the Conservatory, in a quiet corner, several floors up. Within the library it was dark, darker than any library Caleb had ever been in before. A row of candles lined the hallways, and were situated at the desks and tables, but the shelves were so thick with shadows Caleb wondered how anyone, without night vision, ever found what they were looking for here. Drow were accustomed to darkness. Nearly all the inhabitants of Roshona were. Too much light would have hurt their eyes.

Essik was still holding onto Caleb’s arm, as he first took in their surroundings. This was the wing he knew best, and it was also one of the quieter wings. They were less likely to be found here. He could see Caleb struggling to read the titles of the books on the shelf before him, so led him nearer the fireplace, then summoned, to hand, a pair of night-vision glasses, in a sapphire case. He handed them to Caleb, and set him loose.

“Be careful. If we hear anyone, I am going to have to teleport you out of here, quick as lightning. Understood?”

Caleb nodded, wordlessly.

Essik gave him a slight bow, in turn, then left him to his own devices for an hour or two.

Caleb picked through the books on his own, before eventually calling over Essik, to help him look for a few books in particular. They had limited time, and he could only cast so many ‘comprehend languages’ spells before he went spare. After the first half hour or so had passed, he looked utterly delighted, like a child set loose in a sweet shop. Essik was overjoyed, simply to see him so happy. He kept a careful eye over which books Caleb gravitated towards, to ensure nothing too dangerous fell into his hands, but allowed him a long leash. His love for knowledge was… endearing. He had never seen anyone so impressed by the Conservatory before. Perhaps he had been, once, when he first arrived, but he had spent over a hundred years living and working there. The novelty had long since worn off.

“Can you help me translate this passage? It’s in undercommon.”

 _Finally I'm needed,_ Essik thought with a sigh. He placed a hand on Caleb’s shoulder, where he was seated on the floor, legs crossed, book in hand, so childishly delighted with the literary treasure trove he had amassed around him.

“Run out of spells?” Essik hummed, looking it over, as he followed Caleb’s wandering fingers to the passage giving him trouble. He squinted his eyes to try and decipher the elaborate hand of whoever wrote it. Then it began to set in who the author was. The handwriting was too familiar. His hand shot forward, snatching the book from Caleb’s hands, instinctively, even before the book’s title came into view. “If you wanted to learn more about dunamancy, you could have asked me. I wouldn’t mind resuming our lessons.” He let the book fall closed, and returned it to its place on the nearest shelf. That was the last book Caleb needed to be reading, now. That was the last book he should be _caught_ reading, if Essik was going to get him out of the Conservatory in one piece.

“Verboten spells,” Caleb hummed, nodding faintly. He had no intention of arguing with Essik. “I knew there was a line I was not supposed to cross, I just was not sure… where. Forgive me,” he said, tilting his face towards Essik, who was leaning alarmingly close now, with one hand pressed against his lower back for support, the other brushing past him as he reached for a book. He smiled at Caleb in a fixed sort of way. He was clearly tired. He had been kind to him, kinder than he deserved. He might as well return that kindness. He leant forward and kissed him. Essik responded as quickly as a mousetrap, seizing the opportunity the moment it presented itself to wind both arms around the wizard and drag him down onto the floor into an almost vampiric kiss, which left him breathless and warm. The night vision glasses fell onto the floor with a clatter. Caleb drew away, to look for them, afraid they might break, but Essik dragged him back, forcefully, into another kiss.

“Ignore them,” he muttered impatiently, not wanting to waste a moment. He was still holding onto the lapels of his jacket. He had been struggling to get it off him with his eyes closed. Caleb did his part to help, undoing the buttons of his waistcoat and shirt. He was wearing too many clothes. What had he been thinking, when he got dressed that morning? _Not that a visit to the library would end like this._ He stifled a laugh; they had to be quiet. Essik tried to help him with his shirt, but Caleb stopped him, suddenly remembering the scars, suddenly self-conscious. He knocked some books aside with his knee and turned over, lifting Essik so he was over him. Underneath those heavy robes he was so slender, with lean winding muscles, narrow shoulders, and a wide neck. He slowly trailed a hand over his torso as he undid each button, one at a time. _Eins, zwei, drei…_ He saw a flash of something metallic near his knee, but ignored it. Armoured boots, maybe? It was dark, with only the faint light of a nearby fireplace, and a few candles to illuminate the floor, but the towering shelves cast heavy shadows across them. No one would see them, if they were careful, but Caleb was too loud, too eager, and Essik could not risk wasting a silence spell when he still had to have teleport at the ready. He could hardly walk a human through the front door.

“What happened to not going too fast?” Essik could not resist asking, as Caleb kissed the place just above his heart, while fumbling absently to get him out of his trousers. _“Be quiet,”_ he replied, his voice muffled. Essik tenderly ran a hand through his hair as he sunk lower, and lower, a trail of kisses leading down his torso and over his waist, a hand on his hip… “What a darling firebrand you are,” he hummed. “The Light must have sent you. Keep going. I love your mouth; your thighs; your eyes...” his voice broke off.

“…Hello? Is anyone here?” A voice called from the other side of the wing

Essik kneed Caleb in the stomach. He scrambled back onto his hands and knees, raising himself up off the floor. Essik caught his breath and grabbed hold of his arm, tugged him backwards, deeper into the shadows, so they were pressed up against the looming bookshelf. Caleb reached for their discarded clothes, passing Essik his mantel. He slipped it on over his head and shoulders, without bothering to do up the collar or sides. He grabbed hold of Caleb's other arm, clasping it firmly. Their eyes locked. _"Ready?"_ He whispered.

Caleb nodded his head once.

“What are you doing in here?!” The librarian snapped, standing at the end of their row of shelves. Essik smiled innocently and waved, before casting his teleportation spell. The librarian gasped, and broke into a run. They dematerialised before she could catch them.

You could only teleport to places within certain distance, which were familiar. The most familiar place he could think of was, naturally, his own rooms in the Lucid Bastion. They rematerialised there. It took Caleb a few moments longer than Essik to recover. He was still not used to the teleportation process. It made him feel slightly nauseas. Essik collected himself, and stood to his feet, brushing off his robes, and waiting patiently for Caleb to fully regain his composure.

“Where are we?!” He asked, once he had found his voice.

“My rooms in the Lucid Bastion. This is my bedroom. Over there, my study. There, the library. Feel free to look around.”

Caleb struggled to stand up, at first, but his strength soon returned after he did. He surveyed the room, thoughtfully, for a few moments. It looked, more or less, as he expected Essik's room would. Everything in dark or regal tones. Thick curtains and heavy fabrics. Everything neat, and ordered, in its place. Nothing amiss. He turned his attention back to Essik, who seemed strangely nonplussed by their discovery.

“Do you think they recognised you?” Caleb asked.

“Undoubtedly. Everyone knows me in the Conservatory.”

“Do you think they recognised _me?”_

“I don’t think she got a very good look at you, seeing as you were… otherwise detained,” he observed, caustically, a wry smile on his lips.

“You’ve… done this before, haven’t you?” Caleb asked, taking in Essik's expression. He looked almost... delighted, by this sudden turn of events. It made him feel young again. It made him feel almost alive.

“What makes you think that?” Essik hummed, undoing the catch on his mantel as he made his way across the room, towards Caleb. He let it fall to the floor, and lightly pushed Caleb, who put up no resistance, back so he fell onto the bed. He placed a hand on his chest, and leaned down, tilting his head to kiss his neck. He had managed to get his shirt and book holster back on before they teleported out of the Conservatory, but he had not done up the buttons yet. He looked delightfully flustered in disarray like this. Essik liked it, liked him, liked where this was going. One interruption was not going to spoil his day, not when they were having such fun.

“I think you’re trying to seduce me.”

“Would you like me to stop?” Essik asked, arching one brow and smiling impishly.

He shook his head ‘no,' and Essik leant down to kiss him on the mouth, parting his lips with a flick of his tongue. Caleb wrapped his arms around Essik’s waist, drawing him closer.

“Can you show me how to teleport?” He asked when Essik broke away to catch his breath.

“Caleb. _Focus,”_ he insisted, trying to rekindle the passion he had demonstrated in the Conservatory.

Essik planted a kiss along the bridge of his nose, encircling his neck with his arms... but Caleb's eyes flitted past Essik to the opened door.

“Can I look at your library while I’m here?”

Essik sighed, removing his arms from Caleb’s neck and returning to his feet. He was evidently not ready to pick up where they left off. Something was troubling him.

“What’s wrong, Caleb?”

“Maybe we are going too fast...”

“Yes. Right. Let’s… look at some books, sure,” he said, readjusting his cloak and straightening out the cuffs and collar. “I can’t teach you that spell until you're ready. I know you are very talented in your field, but dunamancy is… a difficult discipline to perfect. If you try to advance too quickly in this field, you could make mistakes with catastrophic consequences. Attempting a teleportation spell without the right components, or without ensuring you have the right calculations, can lead to total disintegration of those involved...”

Caleb cleared his throat and nodded, still staring at the floor. Essik raised a hand to his chin, forcing him to meet his eyes.

“But you already know that, don’t you? What is this really about?”

“There were others, years ago... but back then, no one wanted anything more than a quick lay. If you ran into them the next day, next month, next year… they never said anything, never mentioned it again, as if it never happened. No matter how much they wanted you, in the moment, no matter how much they claimed to care… as soon as you were out of their arms, they forgot all about you, and every promise they made. I don’t want that with you. If that’s all you’re after…”

“Caleb, look at me! That’s not what I’m after at all.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m very fond of you, dear. All of you. We can wait as long as you want, as long as you need. I’m good at waiting.”

“I can’t give you magic, you’re so much stronger than me, so I thought…” he stammered out, or began to. Essik, sensing where this was going, immediately cut him off. He took hold of his arms, then drew back a step, so he was suspended at arms-length.

“Caleb, darling… do you still think I’m trying to use you?”

He searched his eyes for a long moment, tongue caught between his teeth.

“No, I don’t… not now. I’m sorry I doubted you. It’s been a long time since I... since anyone…”

Essik pressed a kiss to Caleb’s forehead, enjoying being taller than him for once, even if only because Caleb was sitting down on the bed, while he was standing before him.

“One day at a time, like we agreed?”

Caleb nodded.

There was some shouting in the main room, outside his bedroom. His door was still closed, thankfully, but he could hear his servant, Falryn, desperately trying to tell an unwelcome guest that his master was not at home. Essik rolled his eyes. He should have expected this.

“Get in the wardrobe,” he ordered, pointing to the door. Caleb looked confused _._ "It's for your own good, trust me." 

He moved back, allowing Caleb space to stand up and maneuver around him, to slip into the wardrobe and close the door firmly behind him. Then he straightened his mantel, gave a heavy sigh with his eyes closed, and turned to open his bedroom door, just in time to stop his faithful servant and Ameera Theylas from coming to blows.

“You're home!” They both exclaimed, practically in unison, but only his servant sounded surprised by the revelation.

“Please unhand Falryn,” he advised evenly. Ameera let go of his diminutive servant, letting him fall to the floor with a loud 'thud,' and immediately charged towards him, hands wound in fists. Whoever had caught him had been very bad at keeping secrets. How much time had even passed? Ten, fifteen minutes? Half an hour at most _. Word travels fast._  In different circumstances, he might even have been flattered.

“You headstrong little fool! I’ve just been talking to a clerk who says she caught you in the Conservatory with an 'unauthorized guest.' I'll give you two guesses who. His name rhymes with Caleb Widogast.”

She had actually learned his name, which was a start. He was usually just 'the human' or 'the wizard,' as if he were the only one in Xhorhas.

“Ameera, please, not in front of Falryn,” he insisted calmly, keeping his voice level. His servant had gone a pale shade of green, clearly terrified of the heavily armed and armoured woman before him who, only moments ago, had looked ready to tear his head off at the neck. She stormed past Essik, into his bedroom, leaving Falyrn behind, clearly shell-shocked. Essik dreaded to think what she might have done to his poor, innocent servant if he had waited a moment longer before intervening. Essik followed her, and let the door fall closed behind them. He was already mentally running through a list of excuses to cut short this conversation and get Ameera out of his rooms as quickly as possible.

“You know what will happen when Mother finds out. She’s going to feed your plaything to the dogs, just to make an example of him. I understand wanting to rebel, but _this_ … you’re too clever for this,” she said, shaking her head, clearly disappointed with him. She pressed a few steps closer. Essik, in turn, took a few steps back. He wanted to keep as much distance between them as possible. He could see the daggers peering out from behind her shoulders, strapped to her back and gleaming from the belt at her waist. “Is it worth it, Essik? Would you really risk your whole career, everything you've worked so hard for, over some doomed romance with a Scourger?”

He winced at that. Caleb was not, strictly, a Scourger, and a few kisses was hardly the basis of 'a romance,' but... it hit a nerve, all the same. The last thing he wanted was to see Caleb get hurt.

“I don’t know who this clerk is, or what they think they saw, but…”

“You, on the floor of the Conservatory, with that would-be assassin from the Empire, in an ‘amorous embrace.’” She held out a hand before Essik could reply. “I don’t want details. I told the clerk as much. What you get up to in your spare time is your own concern. What you get up to in public but prohibited areas with enemies of the Dynasty, however… concerns the entire Den. You cannot afford to be so careless. You could have jeopardized our reputation, and national security, irreparably, for the sake of some tryst!"

 _“Hero_ of the Dynasty,” Essik corrected quietly, under his breath.

“I don’t hear you denying it," Ameera replied sternly, crossing her arms.

“I was very clear about my plan to seduce him. He likes books. We got carried away. It won’t happen again.”

“Those 'books' he’s so interested in are full of government secrets. If you had cleared his visit first with five members of the Assembly, like protocol demands, and supervised his visit for the full duration and, I don’t know _, not_ defiled the library floor, perhaps the Bright Queen would overlook this transgression, but as it stands…”

“There was no defiling of anything. It sounds like that clerk is suffering from an overactive imagination,” he began, trying with every iota of self-control he possessed not to look in the direction of the wardrobe door. He knew Ameera was watching him like a hawk now, and would notice such an obvious mistake. If she found Caleb hiding in his wardrobe there's no way he would be able to talk his way out of this mess. “As for inviting him… I was careful. I know how this works. The best way to get information, without recourse to violence, is to offer an exchange. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours… I was offering him a brief visit to the Conservatory, fully supervised, so that he could see I was on _his_ side, and he could trust me implicitly. If he thought I was going through official Dynasty channels, he was hardly going to tell me all his plans to undermine the Dynasty, was he?”

“And… did he tell you all of his plans to undermine the Dynasty?”

“Yes!” He answered, enthusiastically. “Turns out, he doesn’t have any! Crisis averted.”

“Essik… we're family. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but… you have to stop defending this man.”

“Why?”

 _“Why?”_ She echoed, confused. “What do you mean, _why?”_

“He’s not an enemy of the Dynasty. He wants to help us. All he and his friends have done, since they arrived, and handed over the Beacon, is try to help us, and demonstrate their support for the Dynasty. Caleb Widogast has every reason to hate the Empire. If you had seen, for yourself, what they’ve done to him, you would understand that. He's sworn revenge against the Cerberus Assembly. With his help we might actually have a chance of defeating them.”

That caught her attention.

“And what, exactly, has the Empire done to him?”

“That's... confidential information.” He did not know the whole story, he could only surmise, from his scars and anxiety, that whatever they had done had a lasting, detrimental effect on Caleb. He had said something about being forced to hurt those closest to him. Essik could only guess how far it went; he knew what cruelty the Dwendalian Empire was capable of. “Please trust me when I say I know what I’m doing.”

“No,” she responded too quickly. “I don’t trust you. Not anymore. I don’t think you know what you’re doing at all. I don’t think you can trust yourself around this human. He’s got you under some kind of spell. You might think you’re the one playing him, but he’s clearly the one playing you. He’s got you teaching him spells, telling him all sorts of secrets, getting him past security into prohibited areas, giving him presents and gold, risking your life and good standing in the Dynasty just to protect him, and… what has he given you in return? _Nothing.”_

“Ameera, please…”

“From where I’m standing, it looks like he’s the one seducing you.”

He did not want to lose Ameera's friendship over this, but… he could not think of a way to refute her without making her hate him, unless… just this once… he played on her sympathy. She was not a very emotional person, but she was not completely devoid of feeling. Maybe he could make her understand. She might take mercy on him, and keep his secret; their Den Mother never would. He would have to pay the price, for transgressing Dynasty law, possibly even face a public trial, if she found out. It would be humiliating, and worse than humiliating; political suicide. He could lose his post as Shadowhand over this 'minor indiscretion.' As Shadowhand he was expected to know the true value of secrets.

“You’re right,” he suddenly said.

 _“What?”_ She replied, surprised. She had expected him to put up more of a fight.

“You’re right. I failed my mission. I’ve fallen in love with the human.”

“Essik, wait…”

“Please let me finish. You know this is not an easy thing for me to admit. I never expected this, never _wanted_ this, but… if anything were to happen to him, I would raze Rosohna to the ground, and kill anyone who tried to hurt him. Including you. So why don’t we settle this amicably?”

“I… had no idea it had gone so far, brother, but… I can’t shield you, if you think this human is more important to you than your own Den, your own people...”

“I will serve the Dynasty for as long as there is breath in my body. I swore an oath to the Bright Queen I intend to keep. Please don’t make an enemy of me. This human is... unimportant, in the greater scheme of things. I can serve the Bright Queen and protect him at the same time, so long as no one tells Mother, and we keep this secret between us. No one else has to know.”

“What if he and his friends turn against us?”

“Then I will be the first to know. I have won their friendship. They trust me implicitly. But I am loyal to the Bright Queen first, and shall remain so, as long as the she does not try to take from me the one and only thing I have ever wanted, ever treasured, in this world.”

“Essik… I don’t even know where to begin. Mother always told us we're not supposed to fall in love because it makes us vulnerable.”

“No, Ameera, we’re not supposed to fall in love because it makes us _strong._ That's what they're afraid of! They're afraid of us having anything, besides the Dynasty, we are willing to fight and die to defend. Luxon would not have given us the capacity for love if we were not meant to experience it.”

Her hands, which had been held at her sides in tight fists, slowly relaxed, and her gaze fell to the floor. She was not sure what to make of this. She had known Essik almost her entire life, and had never heard him speak like this before. How could someone change so much, so quickly? Clearly this human had a powerful effect on him. She did not trust it. She did not trust _him._ But she did not want to lose Essik's friendship over this, either, and had no wish to see him lose his position over one foolish mistake. Given time, he would surely be able to see for himself that he had made a mistake, and this human was only using him, and he would make things right, and return to Ameera, begging forgiveness.

“I… need to go home. I don’t think I can take much more of this.”

“Please don't tell Mother.”

“I won’t tell her. But if she finds out… you’re on your own.”

“Thank you.”

She nodded, in a strict, formal way, and quickly departed.

“You can come out now,” he nearly sang the words, as soon as he heard the main door fall closed. The wardrobe door slowly opened and Caleb stumbled out, looking slightly dazed, and blinking, as his eyes adjusted to the light of the room. Essik had no idea how long it would take to get rid of Ameera, or he would have found a better hiding place for him than that cramped cupboard. “Sorry about that. Are you alright? You’re not claustrophobic, are you?”

Caleb shook his head. He was still trying to make sense of what he had just overheard.

 _“Nein, nein…_ but all you said, just now…?”

“Was to make her go away, yes,” Essik was quick to reply.

“Oh, I see,” Caleb responded, looking a little crestfallen, and worse for wear. His clothes and hair were still in disarray. Essik tried to help him straighten them out. He was tempted to magic up a comb to sort out his hair, but he had to admit he liked it better this way.

“Don’t look so disappointed, love. You know I’m very fond of you, but if I didn’t exaggerate our relationship a little, I knew she would never come around to see my side. She’s a little hard-hearted, but not _completely_ ruthless. I knew I had to make my story sound good.”

“Yes, no... I understand.”

He lightly tapped Caleb's cheek, hoping the colour would return to them.

“I meant what I said about razing Rosohna to the ground if anyone hurt you.”

Caleb cleared his throat.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good thing. Look, Essik… are you sure about this? Your sister... she made some good points. I was so caught up worrying about how dangerous getting involved with you would be, I never stopped to consider how much danger you were putting yourself in, by breaking the rules and showing me the Conservatory. I would never have asked you to take me there if I knew what a risk you'd be running...”

“Nonsense! It was my idea. I just wanted you to be happy." For an hour or two, he had even succeeded. "Don't worry about it, dear. It’s all in the past now. If Ameera does tell anyone, I can just turn back time, make sure that clerk doesn’t see us, or doesn’t tell anyone, and just like that,” he snapped his fingers. “Everything will be back to the way it was, and we'll both be safe as houses," he reassured him. Caleb was beginning to resemble an owl again. He could not tell if that was a good reaction, or a bad one.

“You can… turn back time?” He asked, unable to conceal his awe.

“Caleb, you know I can’t teach you those spells.”

He may have been a quick learner, but he was not ready. Not yet.

“Because they are verboten, yes—”

“Because they are _incredibly_ dangerous. Your safety is important to me.” Essik offered him a feeble smile, cupping his face in his hands. _“You're_ important to me.”

“Then lets resume our lessons, _bitte._ This is important to me. I need it to make things right, and end Cerberus. Once I’ve done that, the Dynasty will have to accept that we are on their side. They will no longer have any reason to suspect us.”

“Caleb… you are not going to face down the Cerberus Assembly without me,” he insisted, firmly, withdrawing his hands, and drawing himself up to full height, or what would have been full height, if his feet ever touched the ground. “And I would be remiss, as your tutor, to let you go into battle with our most fearsome enemy without the strongest spells the Kryn Dynasty has at our disposal.”

“Thank you, Essik. You don’t know what this means to me. I just wish there was something I could give you in return.”

“We could start with that bottle of wine you promised me. Maybe work our way up. See where it leads.”

He smiled—he actually smiled!—at that.

“Won’t the Bright Queen be cross?”

“I never said we had to invite her,” Essik answered with a wink, taking Caleb by the hand, before preparing another teleportation spell. He would be tapped out after this, and need to walk back, but it was worth it, just to see the gleam in Caleb's eye, when he cast it the first and second time.

Caleb still needed to see the library, and the rest of his rooms, but Essik liked the idea of keeping him in suspense. That way, he would have an excuse to come back. Essik could not teleport him as far as Xhorhaus, but it was a perfect night for a walk. He guided Caleb home, largely in silence, beneath a shimmering sky. When he did finally speak up, during their walk home, it was on the absence of light; a recurring theme, which always made Essik's heart sink. He could give Caleb books, money, food, lessons, and no end of luxuries, if he wanted to, but sunlight... was one of the few things he could not offer him. He had hoped Caleb would adjust to Rosohna's darkness, and come to appreciate the calm serenity of perpetual night, but he was still pining for the daylight. Essik could see that, clearly, every time he lifted his head to the sky, searching the darkness for something familiar, for, if not the Sun, moonlight and stars.

"What's so impressive about the Sun?" Essik asked, suddenly, lifting his head to meet Caleb's eye. "It's a star like any other. It's just a little closer." They may have worshipped the Light, and stars, but he could not see any scientific reason why one star should be favoured, universally, over every other, just because it was the one their planet happened to circle. They needed it for life, yes; but other planets, needed other stars, just as badly. Was life on other planets of less consequence than theirs? Such opinions would have got him in trouble, in the Assembly, if he uttered them outloud. You were not allowed to doubt the superiority of their Dynasty, and their people, or speculate over whether or not their was life on other planets.

"You're very strange," Caleb replied, shaking his head. He would gladly explain human culture, but he did not know how to even _begin_ explaining the appeal of sunlight to someone not used to it.

"Coming from you, I don't know if those words carry the same weight," Essik replied with a wry smile.

"No, I like it. I like you," he insisted.

"Good," Essik answered evenly. "Then we're in agreement. Humans are ridiculous."

"Oh, we are!" Caleb agreed enthusiastically.

Essik walked him home, fully intending to leave him at his doorstep, but Caleb lingered a little too long, hesitating to say goodbye before he passed through the threshhold. Essik waited, patiently.

"Would you like to open that bottle of wine now?" He finally asked. It was easier than saying goodbye, when part of him knew he might not return, might not see him again, after tomorrow night, when they went back on yet another dangerous mission. He had not been so terrified of gambling with his life before, but now... the circumstances had changed. He finally had something to come home to. _Is this what Veth feels, when we leave Yeza behind?_ He wondered.  _When we left Luc?_ He had never imagined, since he first went on the run, that one day he could stop running, set down roots, and have a home again. The longer he looked at Essik, faintly illuminated by the light spilling out into the night, the more certain he felt that he had made the right decision to come here, to take their side, to invite him over. Everything was coming full circle.

Essik considered him for a few moments. It was late. If he did not return to the Lucid Bastion soon... there would be even more talk.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asked.

"Just one glass. I don't want to say goodnight."

Essik sighed. _Let them talk_ , he thought as he headed through the door, his shoulders brushing Caleb's as he moved past him, into the main room. Everyone had already gone out or to bed. They had the floor to themselves. Caleb closed the door, locked it, and went to pour two glasses of wine. Essik watched him, silently. His hands were shaking slightly.

"Still nervous about tomorrow?" He guessed. Another shot in the dark which miraculously hit its mark. He was getting better at this.

"We had a close call last time. For a second there... I thought I was a goner. We nearly lost Caduceus, too."

"You have your shield spell prepared, don't you? Mage armour? Health potions?" Essik was going through a mental check-list now, like a worried mother. He knew how vulnerable Caleb was to attacks, especially at short-range. Caleb nodded, but kept chewing at his lower lip. He took up the glass, forced down a mouthful of cheap, bitter wine, hurriedly. Essik did not touch his, he was too busy paying attention to Caleb, watching him closely, trying to read him.

"It's funny, when I thought I was done for, and I was ready to pass out... you were the first person I thought of."

"Caleb..."

"Would you like to stay the night?"

"You said you wanted to take this slow."

"I do, but... I don't like sleeping alone. Veth... _Nott..._ and I, we used to be very close. I met her when we shared a prison cell. We broke out together. Ever since, we have been together. We did whatever it took to survive, and shared everything in kind. I never asked her about her past, and she never asked me about mine, but we were very close, like brother and sister. We used to sleep, huddled together, for warmth, on the side of the road, on cold nights. As soon as we came into a little money, we would take rooms together, until... her husband came back into her life, a few weeks ago. They are very happy now, and I do not begrudge them their happiness, but... I miss sharing a room. I miss sharing a bed. It was nice." A short, stilted pause. "You can keep your clothes on." He knew it was a strange request, but he was lonely, and cold, and he liked Essik. He wanted an excuse to be near him, like the other night, when he had fallen asleep beneath the tree, leaning against his shoulder. He knew Essik wanted more, but was not sure he was ready for more. They had gotten carried away in the Conservatory, it was fun, but what happened afterward, what Ameera had said about him 'using' Essik... had made him less certain.

Essik downed his glass of wine in one go. Caleb looked so sad and helpless, like a lost puppy. How could he refuse?

"Whatever you need, lamb. I'll try to keep my hands to myself," Essik insisted with an appreciative smile.

Once they had finished drinking, Caleb put away their glasses and what remained of the wine, and led the way through his study to the bedroom. It was the first time Essik had seen it. Caleb lit a candle with a word. He started getting undressed, but only took off his outer layers and boots. He left on his shirt and trousers, although he took off the leather holster where he kept his books, and placed them on a bedside table. He always kept his spellbook within arms reach, in case he needed it; it was his most prized possession. It had taken him years to assemble those spells. Once he was done, he got into bed, and turned over, so he faced the wall, with his back turned to Essik. The human's modesty seemed a little... out of place. Only a few short hours ago, he had seen a great deal more of his skin. Still, everyone has their eccentricities. He took off his robe and mantle, but kept on his trousers, and did his best to cover up his leg brace under them, so he could take off his boots, and slip into bed after Caleb, silently giving thanks that Caleb had, politely, offered him some privacy, even if he thought it a little ridiculous at first.

He checked to see if Caleb was still awake. He appeared to be, but he was laying as still as he could, with the side of his head pressed against his pillow. Essik moved to blow out the single taper candle which stood on his bedside table before turning over to face Caleb, who still had his back turned to him. Even in the dark, he could see him clearly. A pool of ginger hair spread out from his head, across the pillow. He lightly ran his hand over his shoulder, down his arm, then hesitated, not knowing what to do with his hands, with himself.

"You need to talk to me, Caleb. Tell me what to do."

"Just hold me, Liebchen," Caleb instructed. "Don't talk."

Essik glided his fingers over the soft silken fabric of his shirt, before threading his arms through Caleb's, encircling his waist and gently easing him closer. Caleb made a soft contented noise, adjusting himself to find a comfortable position, his back pressed against Essik, still clutching his pillow. He forced his eyes closed, and held them shut.

"Like this?" He asked. He was talking, he knew he was not supposed to, but... he had to be sure. He was still afraid of crossing some invisible boundary and upsetting the wizard, making him fret. He could _feel_ Caleb's heart drumming in his chest. _Calm down, love. You're safe, now,_ he wanted to say, but was afraid to make any more promises he could not keep.

"Ja," Caleb answered, softly, and mumbled a few words in Zemnian Essik could not understand. He soon fell asleep. Essik, who was not used to sharing a bed overnight, took longer to join him.

Everything about this man who had fallen into his life so unexpectedly, without any warning, and managed to become a part of his world so suddenly, so effortlessly, was... unfamiliar. As he watched the sleeping human, listened to the sound of his breathing, he felt a strange ache in his chest at the thought he might lose this human so soon after finding him. He wished there were more he could do to protect him. He wished there was some way he could leave Rosohna, and follow him into danger, follow him into the wilds or into the heat of battle. To the ends of the world. _Is this love? Why does it hurt?_ He never thought it would hurt. When he did eventually fall asleep, it was deep and dreamless.

 

***

 

The following morning, they joined the rest of the Nein over breakfast. Caleb watched the others out the corner of his eye, but kept his head in his book. Essik watched, bemused, as food slowly disappeared from Caleb's plate, but he never saw it pass from his plate to his mouth. The rest of the Nein slowly filtered out, then took seats around them, partaking in Caduceus breakfast plate absently. Caduceus was the only morning person among them. The rest were all night owls, even Jester, who was usually so full of spirit and energy. She yawned lazily as she walked towards the table, eyes half-closed, stretching. Beau followed, and took the chair next to Caleb. Essik was sitting across from him, as he had before. It seemed to take them a few minutes to recognize him, and acknowledge his presence. He was becoming such a staple feature in their house that he did not warrant surprise.

"Hey, Caleb. Sleep well?" Beau asked when he first appeared, patting him on the shoulder so hard it nearly knocked him over. She shot a winning smile towards Essik and waved with her free hand. Fjord was still silently picking at his food. Yasha had already finished her plate, and was drinking tea with Caduceus, now.

Nott/Veth was too busy fussing over Yeza to notice anything was amiss. Caleb was not altogether sure what to call her anymore. To Yeza, she would always be Veth. To the others, who only ever knew her in her present form, she remained 'Nott, the Brave.' Caleb... wanted to call her Veth, wanted to help her remember her old life, and feel closer to her true self, as best he could, but at the same time, did not want to use the name if it reminded her of what she had lost; that was a feeling he knew too well.

"Oh, Essik is here!" Jester exclaimed, clapping her hands, when she caught sight of him, sitting down at the table in what had already become his usual chair. "The handsome one! What brings you around so early?!"

"Jester," Caleb mumbled over her shoulder, hoping to distract her attention from their guest. "Did you sleep well?"

She ignored him, marched up to the table and placed her hands on it, tail flicking into life as it switched back and forth excitedly.

"I wanted to pay my favourite wards a visit," Essik answered politely, offering her a smile. It seemed no one could resist her charm.

"Essik has been teaching me dunamancy," Caleb interjected by way of explanation, to the few people at the table not yet aware of their lessons.

"Teaching you dunamancy all night long, hmm?" Jester smirked, suggestively, reading the tone in the room. She elbowed Caleb in the ribs. He was clearly uncomfortable with this whole situation, but he had jumped too quickly to Essik's defense _not_ to be a little bit in love with him. She smiled innocently up at Caleb, batting her lashes, when he turned on her, glowering.

"Jester, please!" He hissed, before casting a conciliatory glance in Essik's direction. "Ignore her, she... does this."

"I expect you're here to bring news from the Bright Queen?" Fjord asked, taking the wheel. He was seated to the left of Essik, who looked a bit flustered, and took to staring at his plate.

"No, I just came here to see Caleb, really," he replied, reaching for his drink, after Caduceus set down a cup in front of him. He hoped this interrogation would be over soon. He was afraid he might say the wrong thing.

"It's very nice of you to give him free lessons," Yasha said, not wanting him to think the kindness and generosity he had shown the Nein went unnoticed.

"Caleb has a boyfriend!" Jester teased, affectionately, with a wink. "I'm so proud of you! Our little Caleb is growing up," she reached out to pinch his cheek, ignoring the fact _'her little Caleb'_ was more than ten years older than her. His glowering intensified. Nott finally lifted her head and took notice. She had been neglecting her wizard lately, to ensure her husband was looked after and settling in alright to their new home and new life, but that did not excuse her completely missing something as important as this. In all the time she had known Caleb, he had never shown romantic interest in... well, _anyone.  
_

"Caleb?! _Our_ Caleb?!" She questioned, looking around the room, and seeming to notice Essik for the first time. She had thought Essik would be a useful ally, and that he might be able to teach Caleb new spells... but she had not prepared for this. How many times had he visited? How well did Caleb know him? Why had he said nothing to her? Maybe they were not as close as she thought. Maybe they  _were_ drifting apart. A hundred questions raced through her head. For some reason the one that first reached the air was: "What about Astrid?"

"I haven't seen her in over fifteen years, Nott! I've moved on. She's ancient history," Caleb explained, covering his eyes with one gloved hand. One drunken slip up, a few months back, and Nott had presumed he was still pining over his childhood sweetheart, as if it was not the sort of slip up anyone could make. She was probably dead by now. Part of him hoped she was. If not, he'd probably have to kill her himself; she was working for the enemy. Essik had not heard about Astrid before, but felt no need to ask. If Caleb said she was no longer important to him, he would take him at his word. As for 'boyfriend,' well... they could be whatever Caleb wanted them to be. He had never been in a real relationship before—drow seldom were, unless you counted arranged marriages, to further one's career or strengthen one's ties to a particular Den.

Nott turned to Essik and examined him closely, through narrowed eyes, sizing him up. Without looking she grabbed a bread knife from the table and launched forward, raising it so it pressed just below Essik's chin, lightly grazing his throat with the blunted edges. Caleb, frightened and wide-eyed, extended a hand, hoping to stop her, but he could not reach all the way across the table. Essik merely tensed, without moving away, and mentally readied a time-slowing spell, which would allow him to disarm the dexterous young goblin without harming her.

"Are you mad?! Veth, please, put down the knife!" Caleb cried, his voice jumping an octave higher.

"If you hurt my boy, so help me... I will make you wish you had never been reincarnated!" Nott/Veth hissed.

"I'll keep that in mind," he answered, more amused than frightened. Nott/Veth lowered the knife, still holding his gaze suspiciously.

"He looks shifty. Are you sure about him, Caleb?" She asked, without breaking eye contact.

 _"Ja,_ very sure! He's a good man. Please... no more theatrics, Veth, someone might get hurt..." Caleb insisted, heart still racing. He had to get Essik out of here, _quick._ This was humiliating.

"They will if they deceive us," Nott snapped in a low, aggressive growl, still out for blood. Yeza intervened, lightly taking his wife's arm at the wrist and easing her back down off the table and into her chair, where he whispered something into her ear while giving her back a light, reassuring pat. She reluctantly dropped the knife back onto her plate with a loud clatter.

"No wonder you never get laid," Beau interjected, shaking her head, arms crossed, enjoying the show.

Caleb abruptly stood up, and moved away from the table.

"That's it! I'm going. Essik, would you care to join me for a walk?"

He looked across the table to Essik, who gingerly set aside his knife and fork, a little dismayed that he barely got to touch Caduceus' delicious breakfast, but happy to oblige Caleb's request. He could see the others staring at him from the corner of his eyes, but did his best to ignore them. Essik joined Caleb as they walked towards the main door, and walked outside. Caleb held the door open for him, and Essik flitted past, light as a feather, feet never touching the ground.

Through cupped hands Beau shouted after him: _"I hope you plan to make an honest man out of him!"_ and reveled in seeing Caleb go bright red with a mix of anger and embarrassment, before trudging out the door, which he loudly slammed shut behind him.

Essik was waiting for him a few strides away, his back against the wall, a bemused smile on his face. Caleb joined him, nervously running a hand through his hair, trying to recompose himself. He would have to have a long talk with them when he got back.

"Your friends are... certainly unique," Essik observed with a voice like honey.

"That's a polite word for it."

"I like them. They clearly care about you very much. You're lucky."

Caleb was preparing a sarcastic reply, but the moment he met Essik's eye he stopped himself. His anger instantly dissipated. He was right.

"I know." He _was_ lucky to have found such good friends, even if they did not always understand one another, and even if they sometimes liked to torment him. Interrogating prospective partners was just one of the things family's did. Caleb might have done the same thing, if Jester or Beau brought home an unfamiliar partner one day out of the blue—but it would only be out of concern for them, and their safety.

"I wish I had friends like yours."

"They like you, they just... have a strange way of showing it," Caleb reassured him. "We are not so bad once you get to know us _."_

"My position as Shadowhand is a prestigious one, and my reputation often proceeds me, but... my research, and my work, keeps me so busy... I won't pretend I know what I'm doing. This is new to me, too," Essik admitted. "But I'd like to get to know you and your friends better."

"You can try. I know I'm damaged goods, but... I feel better when I'm with you."

"Don't say that. There's nothing wrong with you."

"There's a lot wrong! But I don't care, when I'm with you, about my scars, or who I was, or any of it. That's good, right?" He asked. When Essik did not answer, unsure how to respond, he added, "maybe your sister will come around, if you give her time. I'm sure she's just worried about you."

Essik stifled a laugh. Caleb did not know Ameera at all. She was a stubborn woman. Once she had made her mind up about people, it was impossible to change it. Your fate was sealed.

"She's afraid I'll fall in love with you. I always end up getting involved with the wrong people. I suppose I have a type."

Outsiders. He liked outsiders, people less concerned with perfection, who found his company desirable in spite of his flaws, or because of them. Such men were hard to find, but worth the wait. _Caleb_ was worth the wait. If only he could convince him to see beyond his own faults and failings, and how to accept his imperfections. _When did that fall to me? When did that become my job?_

"Would that be so terrible?" Caleb asked, catching his eye. It took Essik a moment to remember where they were; what they were talking about; what he meant. His voice caught. _Are you trying to kill me?_

Caleb took up Essik's right hand with his left, then leaned in to kiss him, his back still pressed against the wall. He was feeling braver, now. Something about this place, or the company he kept, or the new found sense of security he had begun to feel ever since coming here, made him feel braver and more confident that he had felt in years. Essik closed his eyes, and kept them closed, even after Caleb pulled away.

"Can I walk you home?" He asked.

Essik could not speak. For once in his life he was at a loss for words. He simply nodded his head. Caleb took the lead, one hand still interlaced with his, and Essik followed him, blindly, down the long dark winding road and the sleeping houses which lined the path back to the Lucid Bastion. Everything seemed to be falling into place, and he had not cast a single spell. As they walked, he silently prayed to Luxon it would last.


	8. Chapter 8

The Mighty Nein continued working for the Dynasty as war with the Empire mounted. Weeks turned into months. No matter how far they went, no matter how long they were away, they always returned. It was not always clear why. Caleb knew Veth hated it, hated being away from Luc, hated putting her husband in danger, but… part of her enjoyed the adventuring and the danger too much to return to a quiet, uneventful life in her village, even if it were possible, even if her village were still standing, and the spell which would permanently return her to her true form was within Caleb’s power to cast. He was still looking for a way to help her. He had even asked Essik for assistance. He promised he would do all he could, but with so many of their spellcasters away, on the frontlines, fighting… and so many components, put towards the war effort… they did not have the resources on hand to perform a permanent ritual. Beau was unhappy, too. Her loyalties were still divided. She tried, for the sake of her friends, to warm up to the Dynasty, but… she eventually confessed to Caleb that she had been paying regular secret visits to Dairon. She came up with a story to keep them in the Empire’s good books; she convinced them they were double agents, but Dairon wanted proof. Promises and assurances were not enough; they needed something real and tangible; something they could trust.

On her latest visit things had quickly gone south. She mentioned Caleb by name. Dairon knew that he was one of Beau’s friends, and he had often been seen in company with the Kryn’s spymaster. Surely, he had information to offer which could help his Empire! He was from the Empire, after all! She did not know his true identity, she did not know his true name, or the full extent of his involvement with the Scourgers, which meant the Empire’s spies could not have been that good, but it did not change the fact Caleb had caught their attention, and they were watching him very closely, now. They wanted to use him to get to Essik. He would have been a valuable trophy either dead or alive.

Beau promised Dairon she would talk to Caleb, but when she did… he got angry. He refused to play along, to give away any secrets, to sell out Essik, and told Beau that her friendship with Dairon was going to get them all killed if she was not careful. He told her she would have to pick a side soon, that this playing for both teams could not go on forever. Beau avoided seeing Dairon again, avoided reporting back at their next scheduled meeting, but that just made Dairon suspicion, and jump to the most logical conclusion: something went wrong. Beau was no longer willing to help, and neither were her friends. They were too close to the enemy. That meant they had to be dealt with.

Beau was frightened to tell the others what had happened, and what she feared was going to happen, but eventually confided in Caleb and Jester. When Jester asked why she had not told them sooner, Beau admitted it was because she knew she was taking a risk seeing Dairon, and did not want anyone else getting in trouble because of it. If Beau was thought to be a double agent, she would face the consequences... but she was not going to drag the rest of her friends down with her. The less they knew about it the better. She kept them in the dark because she wanted to protect them. Jester begrudgingly accepted this, although she could not understand why the one person she _did_ confide in was Caleb. He had the most to lose. _Meaning Essik,_ but no one said it.

They had grown closer over the last two months, even though Caleb was rarely in Rosohna, and Essik was busy overseeing the war effort. Everyone knew they were together, or suspected it, and most of the Mighty Nein blessed their relationship, because it meant Caleb was safe, at least for the time being. He had friends in high places, who could protect him, and by extension, protect them.

Beau admitted her biggest mistake had been telling Dairon about Caleb. She did her best to distance themselves from Essik, but she only shielded him because she knew he was important to Caleb. She was still not sure she trusted him, but she had problems of her own to worry about, and did not feel in any position to cast aspersions. She knew, even if she did, Caleb would ignore her warnings, and continue to see him, like she had ignored his with Dairon. She just hoped he would never be put into the same position which she now found herself. She just hoped history would not repeat itself.

To be safe, Beau and Caleb asked Jester to scry on Dairon one night and try to find out what they were planning next. It ended with Caleb turning up, unannounced, on Essik’s doorstep in the pouring rain.

“Shadowhand Theylas, you have a visitor,” Falryn announced.

“Do they have a name?” Essik asked, only briefly taking a break from his writing. He had not expected any visitors, and surprises were not common in the Lucid Bastion. Everything was carefully planned, organized, and scheduled.

“He says his name is Caleb Widogast. He claims to be one of your wards. He had a token from the Bright Queen. He came alone.”

Falryn and Caleb had never been formally introduced, but he had to have seen him before, or heard his name in passing. Plenty of rumours about them had already begun to circulate throughout the Bastion, and throughout Rosohna, which Essik neither confirmed nor denied. He was used to being talked about. The whispers spread about them were neither kind, nor flattering, but he ignored them. He was not ashamed of consorting with a human, even though his position forced him to keep their relationship a secret. He was not ashamed of Caleb. His private life was not now, nor had it ever been, up for public consumption. It was nobody's business if he did choose to share his time, or his bed, with a human. Essik usually dismissed Falryn when Caleb visited, just the same. He had to be careful. He was not afraid of rumours, but evidence was another matter entirely. Evidence could cost him his position.

“Show him in,” Essik instructed, closing his book and pushing himself to his feet. He winced at the sharp pain which jolted through him as soon as his feet hit the ground, but tried to ignore it. He straightened out his clothing and hair in the reflective glass of the nearest windowpane as Falryn went to fetch Caleb. Then he propped himself against his writing desk, arms crossed, trying to look hard at work. He had been staring at the same two pages for what seemed like hours, trying to make sense of the erratic report, but he wanted to look busy. He did not want Caleb to see how surprised he was that he would come all this way, alone, to see him. It was dangerous for humans to walk alone through Rosohna, even if they were wearing the Queen's Favour around their necks.

Caleb walked in, accompanied by his servant, looking even more distressed then usual. Essik mentally prepared himself for bad news.

“You may leave us,” he told Falryn with a curt nod, indicating the door, before turning to address Caleb, as formally as possible. It had been a week or two since he had seem his last. He figured this was not a friendly visit.

“What brings you here today, Caleb?”

“I know you’re busy, but… I had to see you.”

There was a note of pain in his voice. Did he feel neglected? Essik had not seen much of him lately, but it was not by choice. Since their army had been mobilised, his time was no longer his own. If the Bright Queen called, he would have to come running, whatever the hour, day or night.

“You could have sent word. I would have come over as soon as I could tear myself away from my work,” he indicated the large stacks of paperwork on his desk with a gesture.

“It couldn't wait,” Caleb said impatiently. His hands were balled into tight fists at his side. He was wearing his usual purple jacket with the fur collar, a dress shirt and dark trousers, but his hair was a mess, and he had not shaved in days. He did not look like he had much sleep, either.

“Did you come all this way alone?” Essik asked. Caleb nodded. “Did anyone make trouble?”

“Nothing I couldn't handle,” he answered, forcing a sheepish smile, which quickly dissipated. He had let his hair grow out. It fell, haphazardly, about his face, framing it. 

“Please take a seat,” Essik insisted, indicating the chair in front of him.

Caleb took it.

“Jester has been scrying again. We found someone we suspected was a spy for the Empire, we wanted to scry on them, to see if they were a threat, like Oban… only this time, they were talking about me.”

“You?” Essik had presumed Caleb was important to them, or else he would not have gone to the trouble of acquiring that anti-scrying necklace to avoid detection. Those were expensive and hard to find. Caleb had still not got around to explaining _why_ he was so important to them, but the fact he had been training to be an assassin for the Empire, and had successfully run away, could have been reason enough for them to want to hunt him down.

“Cerberus knows I'm alive. They know I'm _here._ They even know about you, more or less,” Caleb explained quietly. That was his fault, his oversight. He shouldn't have told Beau so much. “They are sending two assassins to look for me.”

“They want to kill you?” Essik clarified. He set aside the papers he had in hand and clasped his hands together on the desk in front of him. This would be interesting. He clicked his tongue. "Any idea why?"

“I'm a loose end. The Empire cannot afford to have loose ends. I've only stayed alive this long because I wear this—” he moved his hands to take out his anti-scrying necklace from beneath his shirt, but Essik raised a hand, stopping him with a look.

“I've seen it. I know what it does.”

He always wore it, even in his sleep. He always put down a ward, every night, before he went to sleep. He had taken to placing wards around Xhorhaus, too, to protect him and his friends. Essik had presumed he was just being overcautious, but if he was right, if Cerberus really were sending assassins after him... then he had every reason to be ‘overcautious.’

“Jester saw the assassins and drew them. She’s a good artist, but… she didn’t hear their names, and they could easily be using disguises, but... it’s a start. I thought you might take a look at them, show them around… one of your soldiers might recognise them.”

“I will ensure, personally, that you and your friends shall have every security measure the Dynasty can spare. No one will hurt you,” Essik insisted, trying his best to keep his voice low and level. He did not want Caleb to see how apprehensive this news made him. He was already mentally going through a list of names, trying to decide which soldiers he would appoint to keep watch over the Nein. Caleb would need a bodyguard, too.

“Their assassins are clever and dangerous,” Caleb began, drawing on his own experience, experience he still did not trust Essik enough to share. “But your country’s at war, you can’t spare any more guards…”

“I _will_ protect you,” Essik vowed too quickly, cutting him off, "even if I have to kill these assassins myself."

“Why go to all this trouble?” Caleb looked confused. His ruthlessly pragmatic and analytic mind could not comprehend why anyone would go to so much trouble to defend _him._

Essik was caught off guard by his question. Was he asking why he cared more about his safety than the safety of his country? That was a more difficult question to answer. He did not think he could.

“Caleb... you know I care about you. I don't want to see you get hurt. If you die, I'd be very upset.”

If anything were to happen to Caleb, he would be more than just _upset._ He would ignore the Bright Queen’s orders, find whoever was responsible, and make them pay for what they did. He could not afford to lose Caleb. He had no one else, now. He had already lost Ameera defending him. She agreed not to tell anyone about Caleb, but she refused to lie outright or invent alibis when he asked her to. She was still waiting for the enchantment to wear off, so he could see what a terrible mistake he was making. Only… it didn't wear off. 

“If these assassins are hunting me down, it might be safer… if I go away.”

The suggestion alone was enough to bring Essik back into the room. He lifted his head to face him. He dreaded the thought of losing him now that he knew he needed him. Love made him selfish.

“You can’t seriously be thinking of leaving, now! You’re safer here. We can protect you here.”

 _I can protect you here._ In Xhorhas, he had power. Outside of it… his magic could only accomplish so much.

“I don’t want to lead them to Rosohna. I don’t want to lead them to you," Caleb said with conviction, holding his gaze now.

“I promised when the time came to fight the Cerberus Assembly... I would be at your side. I’m not going back on my word. If they are going to take the fight to us… then we will have an advantage if we fight them here, on our terms. We already know they are coming. Jester knows what they look like. When they arrive, we will be ready for them with an ambush. We can lure them into a trap.” This? He could work with. He had experience working with. He was an expert tactician.

“This isn’t your fight. Your soldiers shouldn't be involved, and... you shouldn't put your life on the line for my sake. You’re too important. Your people need you.”

Caleb and his friends may have spent the last two months working for the Kryn Dynasty, but they made a point of not asking questions, and not getting too deeply involved in politics. They helped the Dynasty because they had a common enemy, and they were getting paid for it. They helped the Dynasty because they had to choose a side to survive this war. Caleb did not presume to know all Essik’s job entailed, but he knew the Dynasty could not function without him. There was a good reason why they kept him off the frontlines and out of harm’s way, and why for the last two weeks he had not been able to steal a single moment alone with Essik, because every time he set foot outside of the Bastion he was accompanied by a swarm of bodyguards at the Bright Queen’s behest. The fact that he was one of the strongest mages the Dynasty possessed, and more than capable of protecting himself, did not exempt him from needing bodyguards, which just went to show how valuable he was, and how essential to the Dynasty.

“We’re fighting the same enemy, Caleb! This is my fight, too! Can’t you see that? You think these assassins would hesitate, for a moment, before killing one of my people, to get closer to the Queen? To get closer to _me?_ You are part of the Dynasty, too. I hoped by now you would be able to see that. You are our Champion. We cannot afford to lose you and your friends.”

Caleb was not sure how to respond. The Dynasty had richly rewarded them for their help, and leaned on them a great deal in return for their support, but… that was a lot of responsibility and trust to place in a group of mercenaries who had already failed missions for the Bright Queen in the past. He was not so sure they deserved it.

“Security will be sent to watch your house. Is there anyone else, outside of Xhorhas, friends or family who might need protection? We know the Empire is not above using hostages. We have informants around Exandria; they could carry a message or bring them here, if necessary.” He knew this was a delicate subject, but he was reverting to protocol. These were the procedures they always went through when a security risk was exposed.

“I don’t have any family left,” he answered dully, then went quiet for a few minutes, considering. “Jester’s mother, Marion Lavorre... she lives in Nicodranas. They may know about her. It’s… a long story. Nott's son, Luc, and Yeza, are also staying there, with a friend of ours. But there’s no one else.”

Essik took out a bit of parchment and his quill, dipped it in ink, and wrote down their names and addresses, as Caleb gave them.

“You will stay, won’t you?” Essik asked, once he had finished the letter. Knowing Caleb had no one to go to made the thought of him wandering off on his own, to try and lure these assassins away from Rosohna, even more harrowing. He hated the thought of him wandering alone through the wilderness, with only a few cantrips and his familiar to protect him.

Caleb nodded his head, but still avoided his eye. Essik hated this. He hated how reluctant Caleb still was, after all this time, to ask for help, and trust him. _How long has he known he was in danger? How long has he kept silent about this? What else is he not telling me?_  He wondered, before setting aside his quill and moving to his feet with the aid of a levitation spell. He drifted over to Caleb, who stayed frozen in place, reached out and trailed a hand lightly over his wrist, blessing him with Fortune's Favour. Then he clasped his neck, leading him down, so he could press a kiss against the bridge of his nose.

“You’re always welcome to stay with me. I’d sleep easier if I knew you were safe.”

Caleb tried to pull away, but Essik held fast. He stopped resisting, turned to face him.

“Thank you, Shadowhand, but I should really be leaving now…”

“Did you really just call me _Shadowhand?”_

“That’s your title, is it not?”

They were backtracking. Why were they backtracking? Why was he suddenly being so formal, and avoiding his eye? Had he done, or said, something wrong?

“I would have thought we were beyond titles now. You’ve been acting strange ever since our last lesson. This isn’t just about those assassins, is it? There is something else troubling you.”

“We’re in the middle of a war, Essik. It’s only a matter of time before the Empire brings the fighting here, and we’ll have to join them. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get too attached to me.”

“Too late. I already am.”

“If I die…”

“You’re not going to die. I won’t let you.”

Essik let his hand slide down from Caleb’s wrist to clasp his hand, lacing their fingers together lazily. He missed Caleb. He had not seen him enough since the fighting began. There was still so much he wanted to tell him, show him, before their time ran out. Something told him their time was running out. Too much was on the line, now.

They had managed, thus far, to hold back the Empire's army, and fortify the city, but it was only a matter of time before the Empire, whose armies still vastly outnumbered theirs, closed in, and broke through their defenses. If they did not steal an advantage soon, they would surely fall. That's why they needed Caleb and his friends. That's why they Bright Queen waited, with baited breath, to hear his reports, in which he would impart any new intel he received on the Empire. The Bright Queen needed more, but at this stage, Essik was hesitant to ask for more. He knew Caleb was still keeping secrets from him, but he was afraid to push. He knew Caleb would either push back, or run away.

"Thank you for trusting me with this. You won't regret it. I'll make sure the Empire can't find you or your friends, but please... remember my offer. You are always welcome here. What's mine is yours, my love."

They had spent too much time apart. Essik hated it. He wanted an excuse, any excuse, to see Caleb again, to spend more time with him. He hated that it took a death threat to bring Caleb to his door, but Essik was so starved for attention, he could not help but seize upon the first opportunity which presented itself to extend an invitation. _'Stay the night; and never leave,'_ seemed too forward, and he knew Caleb had concerns of his own, which kept him occupied, kept him away, and made him reluctant to trust.

 _One day at a time,_ Essik had said, but days had turned into weeks, and he was no closer to Caleb than he had been that first night. He had taught Caleb a few spells. They had dined, seen Rosohna, talked over drinks, but never about anything important, and rarely about themselves. Their meetings, lately, had grown so brief and infrequent, it seemed a waste of time to spend them talking. Where did talking get them, anyway? Two professional liars, trying to be honest? Caleb still did not know how Essik felt. He had wanted to wait until it was the right time, but the right time never came, and they were always too busy, and it felt, some days, as if the universe itself were pulling them in opposite directions; keeping them apart.

"Well I had better go and leave you to your work. Good day, Essik," Caleb said, in a clipped, formal way, before turning on his heel.

Essik barely had time to say goodbye before he was out of the room and the door fell closed behind him. He tried to go back to his paperwork, but could not focus. Restless, he went out and paid a few visits, to ensure security was sent at once to watch over his ward's house, and shadow Caleb. He had to see Caleb was safe, and these assassins were caught before they ever set foot inside Rosohna. Drawings of the assassins would be circled among the soldiers. He hoped they were able to capture them alive. That way, he could interrogate them himself. He would enjoy that.

 

 

***

 

 

"I've heard the most fascinating news today, Shadowhand," she said, casually, with a smile that never failed to strike fear in his heart.

"What, Mother?" He sipped absentmindedly at the wine a servant brought him on a shining tray. His Den Mother was watching him closely, trying to read him. Essik tried to make himself illegible.

"I received a report claiming that you have been receiving frequent visits from your ward, Caleb Widogast. You have been seen together, throughout town, and in the Conservatory, of all places. Don't try to deny it—multiple witnesses have observed you meeting in the streets or outside your rooms, even though you have failed to report these meetings officially during your briefings with either me or Her Majesty Leylas Kryn."

"With respect, Mother, I—"

"One of your own Den claims to have seen you and this human holding hands and whispering to each other, suggestively. Is this true?"

"That we spoke together, or that we held hands?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. It was a strange accusation. It was not actively a crime to hold hands or whisper. What had happened in the Conservatory may have been a serious infraction, but if his Den Mother knew anything about that incident, she had never mentioned it. Drow were not particularly hung up about sex, but it was still considered disrespectful for couples to pair off in public places, particularly public places protected by the state, or consecrated by Luxon, although he had found it amusing the day a young couple was brought before the Assembly for copulating in a sacred temple, and claimed they were merely 'celebrating the glory of Luxon.'

"Are you courting this human?"

"I was instructed to keep an eye on him. I have done just that. If I do not try to befriend him, and win his trust, we would have learned nothing of these mercenaries. It seemed more... desirable, and less costly, to win their trust through persuasion, rather than force. Is that not what you wanted?" He asked, pointedly. He wanted to sound offended by her insinuation. He thought that might throw her. She was right to reprimand him; he had been careless. Caleb made him forget procedure, forget caution. He rarely smiled, but when he did... Essik couldn't really think of anything else. If he did not see him again, hold him again, soon, he'd go mad. They had been apart for too long.

"I want you to be honest with me. I want to know I can still trust you. If you are only seducing this man to learn more about the Empire, I will not stand in your way, I just need to know you have not been... compromised in any way."

"I have not been compromised," he reassured her.

"Good! There will be more questions, but I am sure you are used to the procedure by now. You will have to include details of your meetings, but you need not be overly specific. I suppose there's no danger of accidental pregnancy, so that's one saving grace."

She had evidently had this talk before. There was a procedure for everything. He, thankfully, had never had to interfere with the private lives of his informants. He was not shy, but he had never had any interest in bragging about his conquests, or listening to others. He certainly had no desire to talk about Caleb in that way to anyone, least of all his Den Mother and his Queen.

"We have not been intimate. I took him on a few dates. We have kissed, and shared a bed, more than once, but he didn't... he never... he's not good at this."

It was none of her business what they did. Why was he arguing semantics?

"What are dates?" She asked, already lost.

"When two people, who are courting, go on excursions together, so that they might learn more about one another, and decide whether or not to pursue a more lasting relationship."

Drow did not go on 'dates' as a rule. If you found someone attractive, and they found you attractive, you slept together. If your Den found it advantageous to marry you off, you were married off. There was no intermediary stages. Everything was... efficient and calculated. Essik hated it. He always had. It saved time, perhaps, but... copping off with a perfect stranger always left him feeling cold afterwards. At least Caleb was still there in the morning when he woke up. He liked that.

"Oh. You have been on several such excursions?"

Essik nodded 'yes.'

"And you still have not been intimate?"

Essik shook his head 'no.'

His Den Mother looked mystified.

"I can't understand it!"

"Neither can I," Essik admitted. He had hoped after he expressed his interest, and Caleb claimed to reciprocate it, everything would go much more smoothly. Once it was out in the open, and both parties knew their attraction was mutual... he had thought it would all go much more smoothly. It had not. Caleb was not used to companionship of any kind. He always stopped short of abandoning himself completely, either letting go of control, or seizing it too forcefully. Something was still holding him back.

"Is he... not very bright?"

"On the contrary, he's extremely intelligent! Where books are concerned. He's not good at... people, or reading people, he... I fear he has been hurt in the past, which is why he finds it difficult to trust others, and why he never learned how to express his feelings—" he stopped himself short. What was he saying? _Too much._ Their matriarch was an intelligent and capable woman... but she was not sentimental. She was too mathematical, too logical, where emotions were concerned. _Like Caleb. But at least he has emotions. I think he has emotions. He must!_

"You think this human has fallen in love with you?"

"I... don't know, he hasn't said so, but... humans are difficult to read. _Caleb_ is difficult to read. He freezes up whenever he's frightened, and it's like trying to draw blood from a stone getting him to admit he cares about anything!" That was a mistake. He should not have mentioned him by name, to begin with.

She went silent for a long moment, scrutinizing him closely.

"You're not trying to seduce him, are you?" She accused, with narrowed eyes.

 _I assure you I am,_ he wanted to say, but diplomatically decided to keep his mouth shut.

"You have fallen in love with this human. I'm going to ask the Bright Queen to assign your wards to someone else, clearly you have been compromised."

That floored him. How obvious was he?

"I assure you, I have not been 'compromised,' I only kept quiet because I was... embarrassed... by how badly my attempted seduction failed. I admit it is not something I have much experience in. We've never even shared a bed, I slept in the guest room because I was exhausted after our lessons. I tried to kiss him once, but he doesn't like men, or drow, or... me." He was grasping at straws now. It seemed better than denying, outright, the accusations levied against him, to say he had attempted to seduce the human, but simply come up against a brick wall.

"Oh. Oh, I see. Well, never mind, you can try other tactics. If he does not reciprocate your advances, but is still willing to spend time with you, perhaps you may yet forge a close friendship, and learn more about the Empire that way?"

"Yes, we have become friends!" He took another mouthful of wine, and set down his glass as delicately as he could manage on the clear glass tabletop. It clattered loudly, just the same, echoing through the chamber. "That's exactly what we've done! We're getting on very well. Maybe it looked like more. The point is, the arrangement has worked thus far, and I see no reason why we should change it, when the relationship between the Dynasty and the M9 has been so mutually beneficial."

"The _who?"_ She interrupted.

"The Mighty Nein. It's... it's what they call themselves."

"But according to our records there are only seven...?"

"They are aware, but the name amuses them."

"How strange."

She made a note of this.

"Mutually beneficial," he repeated, leaning over the table as she wrote to ensure she put down the name, and his words, correctly.

It could have been more mutually beneficial. It could have been more _reciprocated._ He had been so pleased, so happy, to be given the faintest suggestion of affection, to have a kiss reciprocated, to be invited to share his bed. What had he really said to encourage him? He called him handsome. He called him... useful. The more he reflected on past conversations, the more apparent it became to him that, thus far, their courtship had been rather one-sided. Essik complimented, cajoled, and enthused, by turns, and Caleb accepted praise like a champ and went through the motions when asked to. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and had even initated physical contact on occasion, entirely unprompted, but... he never said so. He seemed to care about Essik, but he never said so. Essik wanted words, wanted confirmation, but Caleb always withheld it.

"You hired security to watch him. You hired security to watch their house, which we gave them. Security we are paying for. Good men and women, who could be leading us to victory, if employed on the frontlines. This sounds... extravagant, does it not?"

"He's wanted for desertion by the Empire. They sent two elite assassins to find him. I'm taking steps to see they don't."

"We're at war, Essik. It doesn't pay to get invested too deeply in individuals. You need only concern yourself with the greater good, and the greatest good is whatever serves the greatest number. You know this. You cannot put the protection of one man before the protection of Xhorhas."

"I know," Essik responded, nodding faintly.

"The Bright Queen will want to see you again. If I were you... I would let a day or two pass, so she has time to forget the careless way you handled this matter with your young ward. I trust you won't make the same mistake twice."

When she said: 'I trust you won't make the same mistake twice,' she meant: 'you won't live long enough to see the consequences, if you make the same mistake twice.'

It was obvious he cared about Caleb. It was obvious he was wasting government money, time, and soldiers, to protect him. He was lucky to be let off with a fixed smile and a warning. He had behaved unprofessionally. He had forgotten the tenets upon which the Dynasty was founded. His personal happiness was insignificant in the greater scheme of things. Even with all his power, and a consecuted soul, he was still just another cog in a greater wheel. He could be sacrificed. What mattered was what he was working towards, wyat they were all, collectively, working towards. He had lost sight of that. He had gotten distracted by his ward, and been careless. He could not afford to be so careless in future.

"As you wish," he answered with a forced smile, hands crossed behind his back. She took another sip of her wine as he turned to depart, heading for the door.

"One more thing before you go. You're forbidden access to the Marble Tome Conservatory for the next two weeks. I don't care who was with you, or how long ago it was. You're a representative of Den Theylas. We have a reputation to uphold, and such adolescent behaviour makes us all look bad."

He paused, briefly, without turning back.

"Yes, Mother. It won't happen again."

Either Ameera had gone back on her word, or that clerk had finally lost her nerve and talked. How long had she known? How long had she been waiting to pull rank, and hold this against him? It was a slap on the wrist. He practically lived in the Conservatory, but two weeks away was not the end of the world. She was just reminding him of his place. These liberties were luxuries, privileges, which could be withheld or removed entirely, if he did not prove himself worthy of them.

 

***

 

 

Essik turned up on Caleb's doorstep later that evening, restless and nervous. It was his turn. He noticed the guards. That was good. He told himself that was good. They could handle this. Caleb answered the door. Essik no longer waited to be invited it. He moved forward in one easy motion, placing a hand on Caleb's chest and pushing him back in through the threshold, before closing the door behind him.

"You shouldn't be answering doors. You need to take care. Let one of the guards I sent answer the door next time."

"They only left for Rosohna this morning. It will take them a few days to get here, if not weeks."

"You can never be too careful. If they've got their hands on dunamis, they may be able to manipulate time and space. You can't put anything past them," Essik insisted. He was reprimanding him for his own good.

Caleb's looked around him, frowning. When he lifted his head, to tilt it towards Essik, he said: "Too late, now. You're already in. Should I check to make sure you're not an assassin in disguise?"

"Ask me a question only I can answer."

Caleb paused, considering him for a long moment before answering.

"Why did the Bright Queen choose you for her Shadowhand?"

"That's not a fair question. I meant something only we know, a secret between us..."

"Do we have any secrets between us?" Caleb asked, raising a brow.

"Don't we?" Essik asked, easing his way closer, tugging at Caleb's scarf, loosening it. He hoped it would distract him. It failed to.

"Why have you come here, Essik?" Straight to the point, not wasting any time. He belonged in Rosohna. If it were not for his humanity, he would have fit in perfectly.

"I just wanted to make sure you were safe. I was worried about you. I've been neglecting you for too long." His hand wandered from the scarf, gently grazing his chest.

"We have lessons nearly ever week," Caleb replied, confused. "I don't see how you are neglecting me?"

"I haven't told you everything, yet. It... occurred to me, when you left my rooms the other day, that... I should not expect you to trust me if I am still keeping secrets from you. I promised you honesty."

Caleb was not sure he liked where this was going. Perhaps he should have kept his mouth shut about 'secrets.' Essik was the Shadowhand; of course he had his share of secrets, that was to be expected. Caleb had his own.

"Your position makes that impossible. I won't ask again about the Bright Queen. I was just curious. I overstepped my bounds."

_Testing the waters again? Alright. If honesty is what you want, you can have it—for a price._

"Why don't we play a game to keep things fair? That way, no one can steal an advantage."

"I already know you're stronger than me, Essik."

"You're stronger than you think." A pause. "But that's not the kind of game I'm talking about. I want to play a game of trust. Tell me something I don't know. Surprise me."

"What do you want to know? I'm afraid everything I know about the Empire is out of date..."

Caleb was still thinking strategically. This was not about politics. Essik was sick of politics. His life was steeped in it. He needed an escape. He thought he had found it in Caleb.

"Tell me a secret about yourself," Essik insisted, drawing closer, lowering his voice, "and I'll tell you one of mine."

Caleb sighed, nodded his head, and drew up the sleeves of his coat, to expose his arms.

"You have seen my scars before, but I never explained how I came by them. They were given to me by my mentor, the Archmage Trent Ikithon, to augment my power. He embedded residuum crystals beneath my skin. They were supposed to make me stronger, but now... they act as a reminder of the dangers, the consequence, strength brings."

Shadowhand raised a hand slowly, let it hover over Caleb's arms.

“May I?” He asked.

Caleb nodded. Essik lightly touched Caleb's arm, ran his hand gently over the scar, the rough skin where it had healed unevenly. It was not the first time he had examined his scars, but now that he knew the story behind them, his examination was more thorough, and more cautious.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little. Not much, now."

Essik murmured a spell under his breath that made the pain go away. A warm numbness washed over him, taking its place. It felt soft, warm. He knew it would not last, so he did his best to cherish it, while it did.

"You can heal?" Caleb asked, surprised. He had never been taught healing magic. He was always destined to be used as a weapon by the Empire. He was only taught how to destroy life, not how to restore it.

"I can't heal, I can only ease the pain. I know there is more you are not ready to impart, but... thank you for telling me this." He raised Caleb's hand to his lips, lightly letting his lips graze the knuckles, before taking a deep breath and letting his hand fall. _Like tearing off a bandage._ "Now it's my turn. I can't walk without magic."

"Oh? I never... oh. Is that why you wear that heavy mantel? You don't want anyone to know?" Caleb guessed. He was quick to pick up these things. He had thought it strange Essik felt the need to conceal his body under such heavy robes, and was so shy about undressing. Caleb felt bad for not noticing sooner, for not saying something, so Essik knew he had no reason to hide himself.

"I was born this way. Imperfect; flawed. If it weren't for my magic... I would have been no use to the Dynasty. We all strive for perfection." He paused, trying to read Caleb's reaction... but found he could not. "I was taught how to move with magic when I was still very young. My flaw was always kept a secret, from everyone but Leylas Kryn, our Matriarch, two healers, and Ameera.” 

"Essik... you are perfect as you are," Caleb insisted, taking hold of his shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He was not very good at this.

"You really don't mind?"

"Not at all. Why should I?”

"Weakness is... unacceptable, among my people. My infirmity is a source of shame. That is why I am not permitted to leave Xhorhas, why the Bright Queen keeps me close. They are afraid if anything happens, and my secret is discovered... it could easily be exploited in battle. I am too vulnerable."

"She doesn't want to lose you. I can't blame her for that. She knows how important you are."

"Do you still... want me?" He asked, in a small voice, all his confidence deserting him. He had tried, in past, to hide his condition from partners, but... it made getting close to anyone difficult, harbouring such a secret, and having to rely on illusion spells like a crutch. Essik had gone out of his way to conceal his condition from Caleb, even when they shared a bed. He knew humans had poor night vision. He could only guess _how_ poor, but he had said nothing about it yet. "If you no longer want to stay with me, I'd understand. No one wants a lover who is incomplete."

Caleb kissed him, by answer, running a hand through his hair, and easing him closer, into an embrace. Warmth flooded over him, and through him. He had missed this. His scent, his touch, his sonorous voice.

“There is more. I wanted to tell you, but... I was afraid. Ikithon did terrible things to me and my friends, to our families,” he began, his voice breaking as they parted, but Essik stopped him with a look.

“Don't say another word. I understand.”

He knew the sort of training assassin's received. He knew how brutal it could be for anyone with a heart or conscience. He presumed the Empire's methods were not disimilar to the Dynasty's; they had more in common than either side cared to admit. The key to making a good assassin was to burn the heart right out of them. Caleb had gotten away just in time, and managed to save his. For that, Essik was grateful.

“I did terrible things, too,” he continued, undaunted. If he did not tell him now, he might never say it. He wanted Essik to know what he was getting into before they took this any further. "I killed my parents, because they told me they were traitors. They lied. They told me... it was the only way to prove my loyalty, to ensure I would obey them, no matter what they asked, no matter..." his voice broke. There were tears in his eyes.

“You weren't Caleb then. You said yourself that you are not the same man today that you were then. It is all in the past, my dear,” Essik folded Caleb in his arms and held him close to his chest. Caleb let the warmth rush over him, only this time he did not try to talk or break away.

“How do you move on from something like that?” Caleb eventually asked.

“You survive. You keep going. That's all we can do.”

He laughed, cynically.

“I thought if I told you... you would be afraid of me. I hurt everyone who gets close to me.”

“I'm not running away,” Essik insisted, hooking one hand around the back of his neck. “I'm not afraid. Thank you for trusting me, Caleb.”

He did not like this game at all, but he did feel a strange pang of relief now that his secret was out in the open. Essik didn't care who he was or what he did in a past life; he loved him anyway. Why was he always keeping him at arm's length? Why had he tried so hard to distance himself from Essik, and ignore his feelings? He had wanted him from the start. He was just afraid of getting attached to him, attached to anyone. 

"You're too good to me," he said, raising a hand, gently trailing it across Essik's lips. His eyes were wide and dark and full of stars. He kissed the tips of his fingers, before Caleb could move them away. "Stay here tonight. I want you, need you," he murmurred into his ear, drawing closer. Essik's nails were digging into his skin, but he didn't mind. He liked the feel of them.

“Are you sure?” Essik asked, hesitating.

“We are leaving tomorrow for... who knows how long? Days, maybe weeks. I want one more night to remember you by.”

Caleb led him through the house, taking the lead; taking control. A shiver ran through Essik. A fire was still crackling in the hearth, the curtains were all drawn, and for once, the house was empty.

"I love you," Essik said, as Caleb turned round to face him, his breath catching. Caleb undid his mantel with quick precision. He looked down at his legs, but only for a moment. He edged forward, hands settling on his hips, drawing Essik to him, back of his legs pressed against the bed. Before he could say another word, Caleb's mouth was on his. _I wish I didn't. This can only end badly._

“I love you, too,” Caleb answered softly, staring at his lips with a look like hunger. Essik could almost see the fire reflected in those eyes. Even if it was desire alone which made him say those words, he no longer cared. It was enough to be desired, not for who he appeared to be to the rest of the world, not for the image he projected, but for who he was. He had already poured out his heart to him. There was nothing left to hide.

“I know. Show me.” A challenge. A dare. He eased Essik back onto the bed, then lifted his arms to drag his tunic up over his head. Caleb helped him take off his boots one at a time, then kissed his knee above the brace, before moving back to his feet so he could lean down and kiss his mouth, a hand on his chest easing him back until he laid flat across the bed.

No longer needing his magic, Essik dragged Caleb down into a deep, lingering kiss, his arms encircling his neck. He felt calloused hands run up his waist, turning him over, so they lay side-by-side. With nothing between them now except a few clothes, he could afford to be reckless. Essik cupped his face in his hands, saw blue eyes half-obscured by ginger hair. A smile he had worked so hard to earn.

_No more secrets, from here on out. You're the only person I can trust, Caleb Widogast. Please don't spoil this. I'd hate to kill you.  
_

For all his good intentions, Essik could not silence the fear in the back of his head that he had unwittingly signed Caleb's death warrant when he asked to court him. The Empire could so easily have forgotten all about the poor broken boy they left for dead, if he had never made the mistake of getting close to him. He hoped they would not live to regret this.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Now that the assassins had been identified, their lessons continued as usual. Essik had assigned three of the Kryn's best spellcasters to keep an eye on them with scrying spells, so they would know when they reached Xhorhas, and could prepare a warm welcome upon their arrival. Caleb was appeased by the news they were under strict observance, but Essik would not sleep easily until he knew these assassins had been put out of commission. When Caleb asked for more spells, so that he could better defend himself, Essik saw no reason to withhold them. When he thought Caleb was ready, he taught him how to teleport, but kept him on a short leash, insisting he start by teleporting short distances, such as from one room to another. Caleb was a quick learner. It only took him a couple of weeks of study before Essik set him free, telling him he was ready to try performing the spell himself.

Caleb's form flickered before fading completely, elapsing out of the room and out of sight. Essik watched, attentively. His heart beat faster, despite himself. _If I lose you over this ridiculous spell..._ no, it was not wise to think such things. He had to believe in Caleb, and trust he could handle this spell. He extended one arm and closed his eyes. He reached out for Caleb, or tried to.

“Very good, Caleb. Well done,” he said, in a low, even voice. “Now come back to me.”

Caleb reappeared a few metres above the ground, arms and legs pinwheeling, before crashing into Essik and knocking him to the ground. Essik's heart rate evened out. He smiled, burying his head in the crick of Caleb's neck as he wrapped one arm around him, holding him up. He was still in one piece. A few bruises could be forgiven. He was just glad he had been there to soften his fall.

“We need to work on your landings,” he said, smiling fondly. Caleb was still out of breath, and wide-eyed, disoriented from traversing through time and space, as everyone is the first time they teleport alone. It was like learning how to fly. You just have to take a leap of faith and trust you would not hit the ground. He looked beautiful like this, ginger hair in his face, lips curling back in a breathless smile that showed his teeth, eyes shining and full of life, still carried away by adrenaline. “But this is nice. I could get used to this.”

Caleb raised a hand to cup the side of Essik's face, before taking hold of his mantel's collar with the other and dragging him down into a kiss. He was already straddling Essik’s narrow waist, one leg on either side. As soon as he regained feeling in his own legs, he took advantage of the opportunity fate, or chance, had given him. He grabbed hold of his neck, and Essik threaded his arms around his waist, pulling his hips closer. Neither could escape. Neither wanted to. One of Essik's fangs caught on the soft skin of Caleb's lower lip, drawing a thin trail of blood, which left a copper taste in his mouth.

"Did I hurt you, my dear?" He asked, drawing away. His heart fell when he noticed the blood smeared across Caleb's lip and chin, concern ebbing in the pit of his stomach. He tried to wipe it away. Caleb shook his head and kissed him again, running a hand up his thigh. He had to mind his legs, and the hard floor. Essik's skin was soft and smooth, untouched by sunlight, and warming up at his touch. That was good. He was still trying to figure out what Essik liked. At least he knew his body well enough, now, that he could explore it blindly, in the dark, with ease. A hand found its way beneath Essik's cloak, undoing the latch close. It fell to the floor, cast off. He found what he was looking for, and smiled, or would have, but Essik kept kissing him, eagerly, eyes closed, holding his face in his hands, blissfully unaware of the world outside that room, or what this was.

"You could never hurt me," Caleb responded when they parted. "I'm more afraid of hurting you, love.”

“You can hurt me, be as rough as you like. I don’t mind,” Essik insisted, slender fingers trailing their way up his back, as another threaded its way through his hair, half afraid if he let go, now, Caleb would slip out of his grasp and never return. _If you leave me like this, I’ll never forgive you._

 _“Mein Liebchen... du bist wunderschön. Küss mich,”_ he murmured, reverting to Zemnian. Essik obliged, happy, for once, to be given orders. He could lead, if asked to, but he liked when others took control. He particularly liked when Caleb took control. He licked his lips, when Caleb broke off to adjust himself, hating to be kept in suspense. He was only gone for a moment, but it was a moment too long. _“Weitermachen.”_ Caleb arched his back, to find purchase in Essik’s robes without moving away, without breaking the kiss, sliding a hand up his thigh, between his legs, eliciting a drawn out moan which was almost musical. His pulse quickened, his head lulling back. _"Not yet."_ Caleb pressed a kiss against his throat, the tender skin, the place where a knife could make quick work of even the most talented mage... it was too easy to unravel him. He came apart at the slightest touch.

He would miss this, if he remembered it at all.

 

 

***

 

 

"You're planning something, aren’t you? Something dangerous," Essik observed once clarity returned, and the room swum back into focus. Caleb was standing in front of him, brushing off his clothes. He ran a hand through his hair, so it fell away from his face in thick waves. It was growing out, growing longer and more wild. Essik like it, liked the way one lock of hair curled surreptitiously around his small, shell-like ears, and another wisped out and away from his neck, like a flame reaching for the sky. He was still fully dressed, save for his coat, which he had hooked over the crest of a chair. “I know you are. I can tell when something is on your mind.”

“Something's always on my mind,” Caleb answered, curtly. He missed being an eagle. He missed not having to overthink everything, every word and look and gesture, until it was just another part of the equation, a step towards something bigger than they could imagine, which would outlast them. 

Essik remained on the floor, not over eager to stand and join him, not over eager to leave, but watching him closely. Caleb was growing more restless by the minute. Essik knew how to ease his tension, but Caleb was already putting his coat on and looking for somewhere to clean up. Essik motioned towards the washroom, where a basin of water was available. Caleb disappeared into the washroom for a few minutes while he washed his hands and ran a little water through his hair and over his face, bringing the colour back. Essik admired his damp hair, and the way it clung to his neck; the light dusting of freckles across his nose; the gleam of his skin in the light. Essik's eyes shone, almost glowing, in the room’s dim light. As Caleb walked past him to collect his books, Essik reached out to stop him, back still pressed against a leg of the table. Caleb had been doing his best to ignore him, but the moment he felt Essik's hand touch his arm, he stopped cold, freezing in his tracks.

“Don't leave so soon. I want to return the favour,” Essik insisted, lightly messaging the inside of Caleb's wrist with his thumb.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Staying... would make what I have to do much harder.”

Essik's hold on Caleb's arm loosened. His hand slid through the air until it found its way back to his side. He simply stared at him, bright eyes filled with stars growing distant, as the truth slowly began to dawn on him. Caleb wasn't saying goodbye for the night; he was saying goodbye for good. He had no intention of returning at all.

“Please don't go. I love you.” 

Caleb met his eyes evenly. They seemed brighter than usual.

"Thank you for the kindness you've shown me." Then, more softly, under his breath: "I wish I deserved it."

He returned his books to the holster at his side then walked up to Essik, leant down, and kissed him one last time. Essik dragged it out for as long as he could, savouring it, because he knew it might be his last. Even though the gesture felt forced, he wanted to make it memorable. Caleb still tasted ever so faintly of copper. His lip was still stained red, in the corner, where he’d notched him.

Essik's eyes fell, slowly, from his face to his neck, then down to the leatherbound books gleaming out from under his coat. Slowly everything were starting to align. He had taken _his_ grimoire while he was distracted. He should have expected something like this. The last night they spent together he had forgotten to discorporate his spellbook. Caleb must have seen it, must have looked through it, while Essik was fast asleep… but he did not have enough time to copy the spell he needed before Essik woke up, and he had to return the book to where it lay on Essik’s folded mantel. He could have sworn it had been tampered with, but he had no evidence, then; only a fleeting suspicion, which was silenced the moment Caleb wished him good morning and told him breakfast was waiting.

Caleb noticed his hesitation, and followed the line of his eye. He went silent for a long moment, evidently preparing some excuse or other. Essik cut him off before he could insult his intelligence by telling another obvious lie.

“I know you’ve been going through my grimoire. You thought I wouldn’t notice. You could have just asked,” Essik suggested, not wanting to appear unreasonable. He had already given him free, unfettered access to his private library—what information did he think he was withholding?

“If you knew what spells I was after, you wouldn't let me."

“What do you need them for? What are you doing that’s so secretive?” Essik asked, pressing closer, but not raising his voice, not wanting to appear angry, not wanting to lose whatever lingering thread of sympathy still bound him to Caleb. He wasn’t angry; he was afraid. He had spent over a hundred years training to master this school of magic, while Caleb had only spent a few months. There was so much he still did not know about dunamancy and the danger it posed.

“I need to make things right. I've made so many mistakes,” Caleb answered quietly but firmly.

He had said those words before, he had spoken about ‘wanting to make things right,’ and Essik had let those words pass without notice. He was paying attention, now.

“If this is about the Cerberus Assembly, I can help you!"

“No, you can’t. My parents died because of me, because of what _they_ made me. I must fix this. I must go back in time, so I can kill the Archmage Trent Ikithon, and save my family.”

“Slow down, Caleb, please, I am trying to understand. You intend to go back in time to... stop your younger self, and kill the Archmage before he reaches his full power? Is that it?”

“I was too weak to save my parents when I had the chance; too young and grief-stricken to do anything. I set fire to our home and watched it burn. I listened to their screams. Ikithon made me start the fire... made me _want_ to start the fire... which killed my parents. He told me they were traitors to the Empire, to everything we believed, to everything we held sacred. Then I found out, much later… it was all lies. They only wanted to harden our hearts. They wanted to make us ‘invulnerable.’ We could not have any ties, any weaknesses, which the enemy might exploit. I… wasn’t strong enough. Astrid and Eodwulf were, but I… I broke. I went mad. They put me in an asylum for eleven years. Ikithon and his students grew stronger by the day, while I wasted away in that place, only half-alive. As soon as I broke through, and got back my mind, I swore I would take vengeance on him. What better way then by unwriting his crime, and stopping his heart, before he ever became the monster he is today, whose corruption spreads so far, and who still goes unpunished for his atrocities?”

This was a lot to take in all at once. Caleb had been keeping this to himself for a long time, apparently. As soon as he began speaking, he got carried away, and could not stop. Essik was too familiar with the barbarism of the Empire to be surprised by his story. He knew what training elite assassins entails. The Dynasty was far from perfect, but it would never sink so low as driving children to murder their own kin in cold-blood just to 'prove themselves.' He wanted to comfort him, wanted to console him, for the suffering he must have endured at this madman’s hands, and the loss he clearly felt, but… he knew that was love, blinding him to the reality of their present situation. Caleb was a ticking bomb waiting to go off. He had to talk him down and make him see reason before someone got hurt.

“This is madness, and you know it. No one should have to go through what you went through, but… what you are asking for, what you are trying to do... is impossible. No one has ever gone that far back. Even if, by some miracle, you survived, and managed to save your parents… how do you plan to defeat this man by yourself?”

“Either I kill Trent Ikithon, or I die trying,” Caleb answered with too much conviction.

 _So he knows this is a suicide mission,_ Essik thought with a look of horror. He was trembling, too, now. Caleb's nerves were catching. He tried his hardest to remain calm and composed. He needed to be an anchor for Caleb, now. He needed to talk him down.

“Listen to me, darling... it's too dangerous. I can't let you do this. It will destroy you.”

It would destroy others, too. Hundreds of lives could be lost, if he went through with this. Bending time was always dangerous, but the further you went back, the graver the consequences. Altering history always came with a price, and Caleb wanted to go back at least fifteen years—an unprecedented feat. Essik had not read of anyone going back further than a few days or months, and still surviving the transference. Those who attempted it either died trying, or so irreparably disrupted the fabric of time they could never return to the present day.

“You stand a better chance of defeating him now, in this timeline, where you’re surrounded by friends and allies, and have an entire army at your disposal. You don’t know the risks involved in time travel. If you disrupt the timeline, if by some miracle you survive, it won’t just be your own life you change, it will be countless lives, the lives of everyone you have ever met—or would have met—and the lives they touched, extending out, infinitely. You would be trapped in a timeline where you and your friends never met. All the lives you have saved, all the good you have done, in this life, would never have happened.”

“I often worry we do more harm than good…”

He was losing him. He was losing the argument. He searched his mind, thought back to what he knew of Caleb. There had to be something more important to him than revenge. _  
_

“This is not your decision to make, Caleb! Ask your friends if they were better off before they met you. Ask the Dynasty if we were better off before you returned to us our Beacon, and gave us hope that one day we might be able to resist the Empire whose armies outnumber us. We cannot stop them without you, Caleb. We need you here!” Caleb grimaced, looked away. “I’m sorry about your parents. What they did to you was... terrible, barbaric! No one deserves that. But you are the man you have become because of what you survived, what you endured at their hands. Your suffering... has made you stronger. Now you have the power to help others, to change lives, to change history—to give us a better world, and a better future, without the corruption of Cerberus, without this Archmage and people like him, because of what you’ve been through. Your actions, if you stay in this timeline, could ensure no one else falls victim to the machinations of Trent Ikithon or mages like him. Do you think if you succeed, if you go back in time and kill this man, that others like him would not rise up to take his place?”

He was stalling. They were wasting valuable time.

“I will take my chances,” Caleb said, already readying a teleportation spell.

“Caleb!” Essik shouted, reaching out to grab hold of him before he finished casting it. He clasped his arm just in time, and got pulled through the teleportation spell into a dark, airless room... which he recognised all too well. Essik looked around him, shocked and frightened. How did Caleb know about this place? It was below the Conservatory, several floors below the Conservatory. It was supposed to be a secret. He had not done a very good job keeping anything secret from Caleb.

"You shouldn't have followed me. This isn't how I wanted to leave you," Caleb said, mechanically.

He brushed off his hands, then took out his grimoire, flipping to the relevant page, which he had already marked. Then he took out Essik's grimoire. He started setting up the components he needed to perform the ritual. He drew a circle. Essik could do more than watch him in stunned silence.

"Don't worry, I'll give you back your book," he said after he had finished setting up the circle. He lit three candles, set apart to form a perfect triangle.

"I didn't see you take it," Essik admitted under his breath, too afraid to be surprised by anything, now. Fear makes you hollow. It drowns out all other thoughts and emotions.

"You were a little distracted at the time," Caleb replied caustically. Essik remembered searching hands that seemed so aimless, so unsure... but knew exactly what they were looking for. His tongue in his mouth and quick, warm hands had been too tantalizing a distraction, he never noticed the book's removal. _He's done this before. Part of his training, perhaps. Start be seducing foreign dignitaries to steal priceless tomes full of arcane magic, and work your way up to murdering loved ones._

“Oh, _Luxon,”_ Essik exclaimed with a sigh, raising a hand to cover his face. "Was Ameera right all along? Were you really just using me to get a few spells?"

Caleb clearly had bigger things on his mind now, but the accusation made him pause. He owed Essik an explanation, now that he had been exposed as a thief, but he did not have time to elaborate.

“I didn't expect to fall in love with you. I didn't plan for any of this,” he muttered, avoiding eye contact, either because he felt guilty, or because he felt his resolve ebbing. “But I will get over it, eventually, and you… will forget you ever knew me.”

"I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to forget.”

“You won’t miss me. It will be as if we never met, and I never existed.”

A thought suddenly occurred to him.

“What will happen if we end up on opposite sides of the battlefield, you a royal assassin for the Empire, and I remain the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty, and you’re given the order to put me to death, because I’m just another vile, evil, untrustworthy Crick, who will do anything to defend the Bright Queen, and therefore must be stamped out?” Essik posited.

“I would never hurt you…”

“You won't even know me, you said so yourself! If you kill this man, Ikithon, if you expose him… what’s to stop your younger self from remaining loyal to the Empire which raised him, and picking up right where he left off? You might have students of your own one day, to torture and brainwash. You might end up taking his place as Archmage, and joining the Cerberus Assembly yourself one day, if you work hard enough.”

“I could never become like him,” Caleb insisted, but without confidence, without force. He had no way of knowing whether or not he would become like him, in another life, under different circumstances. He had been so ambitious, so eager to please; to gain advancement as a student, to serve his Empire, to follow orders without question. He had been willing to do whatever it took to rise through their ranks. What was to stop him from becoming like Trent Ikithon, if he had never learned the truth that Ikithon had tricked him and his friends, and his parents were innocent of the sentence for which they were condemned? _Innocent of treachery._ He went along with it, when he thought they were traitors. Now _he_ was the traitor. Would he be able to convince his younger self, so proud, so loyal, _so blind,_ to see the Cerberus Assembly for what it was?

“No. _You_ could never become like him, Caleb. You have too much compassion. But you’re not the man you once were, you said so yourself. Could you tell me with absolute certainty that _he_ would refuse what the Assembly is offering? Refuse power, fortune, and fame? It took the death of your parents for you to see the light. If they never died, if they were never exposed… would you still be able to find it?”

“I could… tell myself, I could…” He sunk to his knees, a knot forming in the pit of his stomach. He was having trouble breathing. Essik sunk down with him, catching his face in his hands.

“You cannot make contact with your former self without creating an irregularity, a wormhole, in time. One or both of you would be destroyed. You don’t know the forces you’re meddling with, now. You can’t even begin to fathom the damage you could do, trying to fix one mistake.”

Caleb lifted his head, finally, to meet Essik's eyes. He took hold of Essik’s arm. He was shaking, now. Essik tried to steady him.

“I’ve worked so hard for so long… I thought I’d finally found a way… I thought I’d finally…”

He trailed off, despondent. Essik embraced him.

“Your friends need you. The future needs you. You have made mistakes in your past, yes… terrible mistakes, dreadful mistakes… but you must learn from them. It is only by making mistakes we can grow and become stronger. Make solace with the past by building a better future than the world would ever know without you.”

“I was so close…” Caleb murmurred over his shoulder.

“I will kill Trent Ikithon myself if I have to. I’ll be by your side the entire way. I don’t care what the Bright Queen says. He deserves to die, and you deserve revenge… but you deserve peace, too. Once we defeat him—together—we can make things right. You don’t have to abandon your friends.”

Essik pulled away, still low to the floor, keeping one hand on Caleb’s shoulder. He did not like the thought of leaving him alone in this state. He still did not entirely trust his arguments had won him over. Caleb murmured some words under his breath and his familiar appeared, out of thin air, dropping down, deftly, to the ground beside him. The striped cat circled once, then, sensing its masters distress, raced forward and leapt into his outstretched arms. He hugged Frumpkin close to his chest.

“I might have lost you too, my friend,” he remarked with a nervous smile, scratching just under his chin. The fay cat meowed contentedly, curling its tail in a perfect circle.

“So you will stay?”

Caleb nodded his head slowly.

“We will destroy Cerberus... together? Defeat the Empire, together?”

“Whatever it takes.”

Essik drifted away from Caleb, leaving him to his cat. He put out the candles one by one, collected the components, and finally took up his own grimoire, dusting off the cover.. He would have to be more careful in future. Part of him worried he had brought this on himself. Several long, protracted minutes passed in silence, as Caleb stroked his cat, cooing softly and making ‘clicking’ noises from time to time, to hold his interest. Essik waited for him to signal he was ready to leave, so he could lock up the door to this place with a seal, and ensure no one ever entered it again. Dunamatic magic still radiated in the air, magic you could touch and taste and feel, if you only knew what to look for... but it would soon dissipate.

“Is this going anywhere? Us?” Caleb asked, finally lifting his head to acknowledge that he was not alone. Essik had been patiently waiting for him to say or do something, anything, for some time now. “I can’t help but feel like we’re just… distracting each other from what’s really important.”

Caleb was evidently still labouring under the misapprehension that Essik’s work was more important to him than Caleb.

“After this war is over… if we survive… the Bright Queen will owe me a boon. I thought, perhaps… it is time I leave the Lucid Bastion. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come with me.”

Caleb opened his mouth, then closed it, considering his offer. After what had just happened, he would have understood if Essik never wanted anything to do with him again. He was not used to being forgiven by others. He was still learning how to forgive himself.

“There would be no Cerberus Assembly left for you to defeat. Your friends could keep adventuring, or do whatever they like. You could go with them, if you wanted, but… you would always have a home to come back to.”

“You want to live together?”

“It was only an idea.”

“You’d give up being Shadowhand… for a house?”

_You joined the Dynasty for a house. How is that the surprising part?_

“I’ve been Shadowhand for nearly a hundred years. If we survive this war… I think we'll deserve a break. The Bright Queen would understand. She is a reasonable woman.”

“There’s still so much you don’t know about me,” Caleb admitted, teeth still chattering.

They were evenly matched, there. What he did know did not frighten him, and he expected whatever other secrets Caleb was harbouring must look meagre by comparison to the one he had just shared. Essik had done terrible things for his country, too, which he wanted to put behind him. Things he had never told a living soul.

“We would have plenty of time to get to know one another better. It’s just an idea. You don’t have to decide right away, and I’d understand if you said no.”

“I’ve been working so long, towards this end, trying so hard to find a way to conquer my enemy, that... it never really occurred to me what might follow after. Now that we are so close… maybe it is a good idea to set goals which don’t involve murdering anyone, or disrupting the fabric of space and time." He paused for a moment, suddenly contemplative. "I would like a garden. Frumpkin, the first Frumpkin, she liked playing in our garden, chasing dragonflies and hunting mice...” He let a heavy hand fall over Frumpkin’s head, down his back, and up his tail. Frumpkin started purring like a low drum.

“I will look for a garden.”

“You won’t tell the others, will you?”

“Not a soul.”

He laughed, nervously.

“How ridiculous I must seem! I really did play a mean trick on you just now, stealing your book, trying to destroy your timeline…”

“You meant well. You thought the ends justified the means. We all make mistakes."

Essik was already mentally drawing some unfortunate parallels between Caleb's goals, and the Kryn's. He could not help but draw parallels. He walked up to Caleb, who was still sitting on the floor, dangling one of Nott’s oversized buttons in front of Frumpkin, who was perched in his lap, batting at it. He offered his hand.

“Ready to go?”

“As ready as I’ve ever be.”

Caleb took his hand, and Essik helped him to his feet. Frumpkin jumped out of his lap and onto the floor, clasping the button in his teeth as if it were a priceless heirloom.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you. If you can’t trust me after the way I treated you… I’d understand, but... that doesn’t change how I feel. I love you more than I can say. If I had been braver... I would have told you sooner.”

Essik kept walking, still holding onto Caleb's hand. He led him through the door, and waited for Frumpkin to follow, before sealing it with a spell. He placed on the door wards only he could lift, so no one would ever enter it again.

“I trust you. We all sometimes do things we regret in order to survive, or to keep alive what is important to us, my light.”

Caleb nodded sympathetically. 'My light' sounded nice. He was still not sure what it meant. Frumpkin raced past his feet and down the hallway, towards the exit, confidently leading the way. They followed him.

 

 

***

 

 

"I think something may have happened," Essik declared when he was shown in to the Bright Queen's study. He had asked for a private audience, but assured her it was not a matter of national security.

She did not keep him waiting long; his secrecy had intrigued her.

"Go on," the Bright Queen insisted.

Essik had taken to pacing, or hovering, in circles. She could tell he was anxious. Anyone could.

"Would it be possible for me to marry someone outside of my Den, outside of Xhorhas?"

He should really have gone to his Den Mother about this, but he had a feeling the Bright Queen would be more sympathetic. She still saw the Nein as heroes. To his Den they were just... outsiders.

Leylas Kryn gave a disappointed sigh and leaned forward, setting both elbows on the table before her, and balancing her chin on the palm of her hand. Fine gold jewellery gleamed out, now and then, from under long white hair, reflecting the light of the candelabra which hung overhead.

"You're in trouble... over some girl? Essik, dear, when you asked to see me, I thought it would be over something important! A matter of state! You are as familiar with our laws as I am, I don't know what you expect me to say..."

"I've grown close to one of my wards. A human. My Den would never accept our union, even if he was not a former assassin born and raised in the heart of the Empire. Now that this is common knowledge..."

Surprise gave way, quickly, to recognition. She had lived too long not to take accidents like this in stride. Essik was still an attractive young man by drow standards, and an impressionable one, with an imagination. Falling in love was not common among their people, but it was not unheard of. Essik had never given her any cause to doubt his loyalty to the Kryn before. She could afford to make allowances.

"Has this human asked you to marry him?"

"No, but... the subject has come up in conversation." He knew Caleb was not ready to make such a commitment, and... neither was he, really, but he needed some way to prove to Caleb he meant it when he said he wanted their relationship to last. He could not, in good faith, make any promises to Caleb until he knew whether or not it was even  _possible_ for them to become engaged. Outside of Xhorhas there were places where marriages between people of different species or races were performed every day, but... he did not like the idea of stealing away, to get married in secret in a strange country, so far from what friends and family they had left.

"He makes you happy?"

"Infinitely."

She shook her head, smiling faintly. Such enthusiasm was... endearing. She did not expect it of him.

"Then I will bless your union, even if your Den does not," she answered, leaning back into her chair, arms crossed.

Shadowhand bowed his head, respectfully, hands clasped behind his back.

"There is one more matter. I do not want children, but my Den Mother insists..."

Leylas Kryn silenced him with a wave of her hand.

"If you do not want children, that is your choice. You are _my_ Shadowhand, you have pledged your life and service to serving both me and the Dynasty. That supersedes your duty to your Den Mother. You have already proven your loyalty ten times over. I have no cause, and neither should they, to put that loyalty to further test, by asking more from you. Is that all?" She asked, raising one brow, expectantly. She would have to have a long talk with the Matriarch of Den Theylas. She had been far too hard on her charges lately. Essik was not the first to come to her with a complaint.

"Thank you, my Queen," he said, with another bow. "Forgive me for wasting your time with these trifles, I know they are beneath you, and you have more pressing concerns..."

"If it concerns you, it concerns me. I am just surprised you did not come to me with this sooner. You have never mentioned anything in your reports about an attachment."

She had thought they kept no secrets from one another, but her Shadowhand had somehow managed to conceal this from her. It hurt her pride a little that he felt the need to.

"It did not seem important, given we were at war, and I... was not absolutely certain, then, where we stood."

"But you are, now?" She pressed.

"Now I am, yes. I would trust him with my life."

"You have trusted him with far more than just your life if this is the same ward you have been teaching the secrets of dunamis. Take care, and see he does not misuse them. Perhaps it is for the best you keep him close."

"I have done all I can to protect him. The Empire do not take kindly to deserters. We have just captured the assassins they sent to hunt him down. I look forward to interrogating them."

He had only just received confirmation that his planned sabotage was a success. It was this news which prompted him to finally speak to the Bright Queen.

"You may do what you like with our enemies, but do not forget yourself completely. Too much hate makes one careless."

She could see beneath the veneer of calm dispassion. His hatred may have been inspired by love, but it ran deep. These assassins were not just enemies of his nation; they were enemies of _him,_ both sides fighting tooth and nail to keep or kill the same chess piece.

"I will be careful," he assured her, his face once again a perfect mask, revealing nothing.

"I hope, once you are married, you will stop neglecting your duties, and be able to concentrate on what really matters: defeating the Empire, finding the rest of the Beacons and restoring Rosohna to its former glory."

"Yes, my liege. I am your loyal servant."

Winning a war, collecting a few beacons, and restoring a city, sounded like a far less daunting tasks, now that he knew he would not be undertaking them alone. He could not wait to bring Caleb the good news. His hunters were no longer at large, and the Bright Queen had given them her blessing.Things were slowly beginning to look up. Maybe they could somehow survive this mess and find the peaceful end they were both searching for. Maybe happy endings were possible for people like them.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hey everyone, sorry for the wait! This story ended up being a lot longer than intended. I had an ending planned when I started, but the last few eps gave me an idea for a couple more scenes I wanted to throw in before I wrap everything up in a chapter or two. It's hard keeping up with an ongoing story, where so much is still unknown, but thanks for all the support!_

Passing through snow-capped mountains of the Greying Wildlands left its mark on Caleb. He was tired down to his bones, an exhaustion he could not shake off. They were looking for a legendary weapon which _might_ be strong enough to stop the Laughing Hand. They were no closer to stopping the war between the Dynasty and the Empire. They were no closer to finding Ikithon. His friends' goals now took precedence over his own. The best thing for him to do was to bide his time, training and studying as much as possible, so when the time came to fight Ikithon, he would be ready. The lulls, the quiet moments, the moments of peace, were rare, but necessary. All the fighting, all the close calls with death, the friends they had made, and friends they had lost along the way had brought the Nein closer together than ever before. They were a family now, whether they liked it or not.

Nott/Veth was a solvable problem. Caleb had found, in the Conservatory where he now worked as an 'arcanist,' the vague outline of a spell which could be used to return Veth to her true form. It would take time and money and components he did not yet possess, but once he found them, he could give her everything she wanted. She could go back to her family. He would miss her very much, but knowing she was happy and safe... that had to soften the blow, didn't it? He could always visit them. There was no reason they had to part forever, just because she was in Nicodranas, and he was... but he didn't know _where_ he would be, really. Essik had offered to take him in, after the war was over. He said they could live together, outside of Rosohna; outside of Xhorhas. It would take some adjusting, particularly for Essik. He was not used to being away from home. He was not used to sunlight or the elements. It would take some adjusting for both of them.

The Nein were not parting for good, Caleb told himself; just for a few months or years. Then they would come back together again, and resume their search for Yasha, and finish what they started. Maybe Essik would even be coaxed into joining them. This trip was the closest they had ever gotten to 'catching' Essik, but it would soon be over. They had only caught him for a few hours. After teleporting to the mountains, Essik had wanted to return immediately, but Caleb asked him to stay until the following morning, so he would have time to recover from his injuries and regain his energy. Essik had every intention of saying no, but Caleb said please, and he did feel winded, and... it was only for a few hours. The world could wait. They walked through a snowstorm, slowly making their way over the alps, and across a frozen, haunted lake, until nightfall crept over the mountains, and he helped them set up camp. He ended up sharing a tent with Caleb when Nott volunteered to scout ahead. Because he was cold, and tired, and drained, he used the brief time they had left to argue.

"The Bright Queen won't fail us," he insisted, firmly, from where he lay on a bedroll in the corner of the tent nearest the entrance. "She knows exactly what she's doing."

"She doesn't care how many lives are lost. She's been alive, in one form or another, for too long, to know the value of life," Caleb countered, from the opposite side of the bedroll, his heavy boots on the floor, his pack opened in front of him, as he took inventory. Frumpkin was curled up in a ball on a pillow beside him. He had fallen asleep before the pillow could make it all the way to the bed, so it was there the pillow would stay. The tent was too small, really, for two people and a cat, but at least it afforded them some semblance of privacy.

"The Empire would kill us all if given the chance! Why shouldn't we defend ourselves?" Essik snapped, holding his arms, now, for warmth. The atmosphere was too thin this high up, and the wind had made the air feel even colder. Essik hated it.

"Because your Queen defends herself by provoking her enemies. Your people have every right to defend themselves, but racing into enemy territory, using their own cheap tricks against them... you'll sacrifice too many of your own people for too small a prize. It's not worth it."

Essik narrowed his eyes at Caleb, then looked away. Caleb was too busy counting to notice his disapproving looks. What did he know about his people and their sacrifices?! What he knew about the Kryn's history was purely academic. He had not lived it; he only read about it.

"Why are we arguing, anyway? We are on the same side!" Essik finally exclaimed. He brushed his hands together before running them over his knee and lower leg. One of the reasons he had insisted on sharing a tent with Caleb was it meant he had the luxury of taking off his brace, which had begun digging painfully into his leg. Why did he think following them all this way would be a good idea? Why did he let them persuade him? His teeth were chattering, and he was used to cold weather. His gaze softened as he looked Caleb over, and he checked his anger. He still had his back turned to him. He was wearing the same clothes he bought in Rosohna, only with a thicker knit scarf, gloves, and boots. He looked cold, too, but he didn't say anything, even though his lips were turning blue. "I wish I could take you home with me tomorrow. You're going to catch frostbite out here. I'll come back and find you frozen solid."

"It can't snow forever. Besides, it's a volcano! The heat will warm us up." Caleb had never been anywhere in, or near, a volcano before, but he presumed they were warm, at least on the inside.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Caduceus thinks its a good idea. He says this magic kiln is important, so I'm going to help him find it. I owe him that much."

He summoned a small flame in his right hand, for warmth. Without looking back, he gestured to Essik with the left to come closer. Essik raised himself up and, with some difficulty, maneuvered himself to the other side of the bedroll. He leant over Caleb's shoulder and extended one hand out over the flame, a safe distance away. The warmth lapped up at them, danced over his fingers. He watched, entranced.

"You are a good friend," Essik observed quietly, settling himself into as comfortable a position as he could manage. "Going to all this trouble to help Mr Clay find this kiln of his, and you don't even know what it does, or why it's so important!"

"There was something about a broken sword, and the Raven Queen, and Allhammer..."

 _"The Raven Queen?"_ Essik echoed, his long slender ears pricking up. He had read a great deal about her, but... he could not understand why the Goddess of Death would be of particular interest to a cleric of the Wildmother. "Isn't that... a little outside his jurisdiction?"

"Have you tried talking to Caduceus about his family history? It's like pulling teeth, only worse. If there are any answers, he either doesn't know them, or... doesn't like them." He snapped away the flame. Essik's heart fell, dismayed at its departure. Cold flooded back over him.

"What do you mean?" He asked, refocusing his attention on Caleb as he drew out from his pack two apples.

"Caduceus is a very wise man, but he is also... willful, stubborn. Maybe part of him knows the answer, but it is a part of him he's buried. Or maybe it was buried for him."

He tossed one of the apples to Essik, who inspected it for a long moment before taking out an engraved carving knife and deftly slicing it into quarter segments. Caleb simply bit into his.

"You really think someone's tampered with his memories?" Essik asked as he sliced, careful to avoid biting his thumb with the knife's blade. "Why?"

"To keep him happy. To keep him sane. If you cannot remember the past... it cannot hurt you. Maybe he found the truth, but it was too much, so someone took it away, as a kindness. Maybe the Wildmother took it away, or another cleric. I don't know. It's just a theory I had, the other day, while we were climbing. That might explain all the gaps in his memory. All the gaps in mine. All the gaps in..."

Essik reached out and touched his shoulder, lightly. He immediately stopped speaking, and froze up, like he always did when startled.

"You still have gaps in your memory?" Essik was listening very attentively now. "I could try to remove them for you."

"Nein, nein, that's exactly what I've been trying to explain! Knowing too much can be dangerous. Sometimes it is better to be kept in the dark. If whatever happened in those gaps was somehow worse than the parts I _do_ remember... then I'd rather not know. Whoever saved me... I think she kept those places dark on purpose."

"You really trust this complete stranger to know what's best for you?" Essik asked, arching a brow.

"I can speak, now, can't I? I went years without speaking in that asylum. I don't want to go back. I don't want to dwell on the past anymore than I already do. Can we please leave it?"

"Yes. Leaving it," Essik replied. A few minutes passed as both ate in silence. "The trouble is, Caleb, I don't think I can leave it. What if what happened with Ikithon happens again? What if he still has the power to alter your memories and use them against you? By willfully keeping yourself in the dark, you are making yourself vulnerable to him. If you conquered the past... he could not use it against you." Essik knew nothing about magic that could alter memories or control minds; it was not his specialty; but if Ikithon had over fifteen years to perfect the art, there was no telling what he was capable of now.

"You don't have to remind me of what I already know. I'm still too weak to face him."

"You're not weak at all, Caleb. You're one of the strongest men I know."

"Don't say that. I don't want to disappoint you, too."

Essik wove his arms around Caleb's waist from behind, and rested his head against his shoulder.

"You could never disappoint me," he insisted. "I wish you'd learn how to see yourself the way your friends do. The way I do."

Caleb had given him encouragment and acceptance when he needed it. He was only trying to return the favour. He lightly ran a hand through Caleb's hair. Caleb let his head fall back, a little. He tried to relax, tried to focus his breathing, eyes closed. He suddenly felt very tired. Essik brushed his nose up the back of his neck, before pressing a languid kiss against the nape. Caleb shivered, his lips were so cold, but tried to remain as still as a statue. Essik kissed his shoulder, next. It had been a long day. Essik was not angry with him. He was angry at his leg, and the volcano, and taking it out on him.

"I love you," Caleb said, briefly opening his eyes to look ahead of him, at nothing in particular. Essik made a noise, to show he heard, but kept pressing delicate kisses against Caleb's neck, back, shoulder-blade, lulling him to sleep. Frumpkin stirred awake, from his corner of the tent, and stretched with a soft 'mrrow,' like a mechanism whirring to life.

"I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow, but I'll find a way to help you and your friends from Rosohna."

"What if you didn't leave?" Caleb asked, finally turning to face Essik.

"My country needs me. The longer I'm away, the more I worry what's happening in my absence. I'd hate to lose my position chasing after some artifact which may or may not exist, for a Goddess I don't follow."

"The Queen wouldn't replace you, would she? You're too important."

"The Dynasty needs a Shadowhand. If I'm not there, someone else will have to take my place. Even a temporary replacement can do irreparable damage to one's reputation. It gives people ideas."

"No one could replace you," Caleb insisted. He ran a hand up Essik's neck, tentatively, then drew him closer, kissing his forehead _._

Essik's gaze fell to the books in his holster, as he took hold of Caleb's coat. He was considering them in a new light, now.

"You trust me, don't you?" He asked, tilting his head to one side, ears flicking back. Caleb nodded, slowly, unsure where this was going. "What do you keep in that book?"

He indicated the book Caleb always kept on his person, opposite his spellbook. Caleb sometimes woke up, in the middle of the night, to slip away from bed and write in it.

"That book is my security. It means... no matter what happens to me, no matter what they do to me... I will never forget who my friends are, and who are my enemies."

"Do you ever write about me?" Essik asked, his curiousity piqued. He had no wish to invade Caleb's privacy, but he could not help being a little vain. He hoped Caleb wrote well of him.

"Only what's important. How much I love you. How afraid you make me. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you."

His curiousity satisfied, Essik raised a hand to guide Caleb closer, into a kiss. When Caleb opened his eyes, he found Essik's, shining, narrow, and luminous, watching him closely. "Be careful, love. I have a bad feeling about this place. Don't let the Raven Queen steal your heart."

It was a common expression in Rosohna. Children, wandering off into the woods, or the ghostlands, outside the safety of the city's wall, would teasingly shout it over your shoulder, all the while goading you on, into danger. Those who died in the ghostlands were left to the ghostlands. Rarely did anyone take pains to go out and retrieve the bodies, and bring them back into the city for a proper burial. They were 'left' to the Raven Queen, to do with as she willed. Luxon could only protect those who made an effort to protect themselves. If you were seduced by the call of the Raven Queen... that was your own fault, and you would have to pay the price.

He had gone, once, into the ghostlands on a dare. It was the first time he had ever left the safety of Rosohna. He only knew a handful of spells, and was unarmed, save for a small hunting knife. He was too young and nervous in those days, without an ounch of self-confidence, but he wanted so badly to prove himself to the others. He was always trying to prove himself. To the Bright Queen. To Himself. To Caleb. He wanted to impress him. He had fucked up the teleportation spell the first time around—a mistake anyone could have made—but seeing Caleb hurt _because of him,_ because of his mistake, was too much. He barely felt his own injuries, but Caleb was... delicate. He made a mental note to purchase a ring of protection for him as soon as he returned to Rosohna. He would commission armour for Caleb, if he thought he would wear it, but he knew Caleb would only feel slowed down by it. Too much armour interferes with spellcasting; it's heavy and cumbersome. Caleb never paid any thought to his own safety. That's why he needed to be surrounded by friends who cared enough about him to protect him against his will.

Caleb nodded, taking up Essik's hand and lifting it so his lips barely brushed the knuckles. "We will be home soon. Don't worry."

Essik smiled, weaving his fingers around Caleb's neck, and pulling him into yet another embrace. "I like worrying about you. Someone has to."

From the floor Frumpkin, feeling neglected, meowed dissent. There were no cats in Rosohna, fey or otherwise, but Essik liked this one. Frumpkin wanted to protect Caleb, too. He made a mental note to ensure a saucer of milk and some fish were provided, the next time Caleb came to call at the Lucid Bastion.

 

 

***

 

 

An annual event was held to celebrate the Bright Queen's day of consecution, following several successful military victories. It felt a little strange this year, trimming the throne room in finery and preparing a grand feast for members of the most influential dens, while a war was going on, but the Queen's Court insisted on throwing a party regardless, to keep up morale and support the local economy. Essik intended to get thoroughly drunk, like he did every year, only this time, he would not be drinking alone. He asked Caleb to accompany him. The Bright Queen already knew about their relationship, so he saw no reason to hide it any longer. Caleb hated parties, but agreed to go because he wanted to see Essik in his natural environment, charming nobles and diplomats, 'playing the game.'

The moment Essik walked into the throne room with Caleb on his arm, there was an instant stir. Everyone was whispering about them. Loudly. Essik made a point of introducing Caleb to each friendly face he recognised in the crowd, and steering him away from those which were not. During these introductions, he made a point of stressing Caleb's contributions to the Dynasty, and his sterling work as an arcanist. He was proud of Caleb, and more than happy to extol his virtues. Caleb found it hard to say anything at all. He felt sick to his stomach having so many eyes on him, and was too quick to accept every drink that was offered him. He barely said a word beside 'hello' and 'pleased to meet you' all evening. Essik, sensing his anxiety, had done most of his speaking for him. After the first couple of hours, the novelty wore off, and nobles turned their attention elsewhere, disappointed their human guest from the Empire had not gone rabid and strangled a single servant, or poisoned the drinks, or whatever humans did for fun.

Essik seized the first opportunity which availed itself to congratulate the Bright Queen on the anniversary of her consecution. She was surprised to see Caleb there. As the only human guest he was attracting undue attention, but she made a point of receiving him as the Shadowhand's companion, so that no one would challenge his attendance.

"The Shadowhand often tells me of you and your friend's... misadventures. I am just pleased we have secured your aid. Who knows how long it would have taken to reclaim those beacons without you?" She was speaking more loudly than necessary, and wearing a forced smile. Those standing nearby smiled and nodded in agreement, or respectfully inclined their heads. In parties such as these, privacy is redundant; the point is to be seen and overheard by as many people as possible. Caleb could not have felt more out of place. He complained, sometimes, about feeling invisible, but... he preferred it to this.

"I'm sure you would have found a way, your Majesty. My friends and I are grateful for the generosity you've shown us, and wish to pay our respects," Caleb declared, bowing low.

She smiled politely, and inclined her head in turn, still holding her magnificent crown of curved ibex horns aloft. Her armoured dress was even more magnificent than usual; it gleamed like an opal, reflecting countless colours in the heavily illuminated chamber.

"May the Light be with you," Essik said, also bowing low, before taking Caleb by the arm and leading him away. A long queue had formed to greet the Queen, so there was no sense in lingering any longer than necessary.

"How was that?" Caleb asked, once they were safely out of earshot.

Essik kept marching forward, in search of a waiter. As soon as he found one, he demanded two more glasses of champagne, and was immediately handed them.

"Paying respects is usually reserved for funerals, but close enough. Good job." He clinked their glasses together a little forcefully, before throwing back his. "That went about as well as could be hoped for."

Caleb looked about them at the quickly circling crowd. There was music, food, champagne, dancing. It was all too much, and there were too many lights. He wondered how they could stand it. His thoughts returned to the Bright Queen, and his strange reception.

"I think the Bright Queen knows about us. Do you think the Bright Queen knows about us?" He asked, reaching out to take hold of Essik's arm. He was altogether too keen on touching. If he did not want anyone to think they were together, he would have to learn how to keep his hands to himself. Humans might shake hands, or kiss in greeting, a casual friend or acquaintance, but drow went out of their way to avoid directly touching anyone who was not an intimate friend or close relation. Essik did not mind public displays of affection, because he knew it eased Caleb's anxiety when he took his hand or lightly touched his shoulder, in social situations where he felt anxious. Essik forced a smile, scanning the room. Guests circulated like bees in a hive. The orchestra played a waltz _._

"Nothing which happens in Rosohna escapes her notice. I wouldn't be surprised." He had wanted to tell Caleb about his meeting with the Bright Queen, but not like this. He could barely hear himself think.

"I don't like everyone talking about us. I haven't even told my friends yet, and now half of Rosohna knows!" He shot back another glassful of champagne. He was drinking too much. Essik gently stopped his hand, hoping to convey this fact without words. Caleb did hesitate for a moment, but as soon as Essik removed his hand from Caleb's arm, he took another drink. He had made a mistake coming here. He was not ready for this. What they had was nobody's business but their own. He did not like being whispered about; it cheapened it. Essik sighed.

"I'm proud of you. I want them to see you on my arm, and know that I'm proud of you," Essik insisted, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sure your friends know already, but if you want to tell them... maybe sooner, rather than later, so it comes from you, and not a stranger?"

He had just kissed him in the middle of the Bright Queen's throne room. Did he know he had just kissed him in the middle of the Bright Queen's throne room? He seemed distracted.

"I will tell them. But not tonight. I don't plan to go home tonight."

"Oh? Oh," Essik clicked his tongue, flushing a deeper shade of charcoal blue. He took up Caleb's hand, lacing their fingers together, before turning to wave at a passing dignitary.

"Is that alright?" Caleb asked.

"I always enjoy the pleasure of your company," he replied, once he regained his footing. "We could leave right now, if you wanted?"

"Running away so soon?" A tall, older dark elf asked. He and his companion, a woman of a similar age, stood before Essik, expectantly.They were both dressed extravagantly. They wore so much gold and precious stones you could barely see any skin not pierced, painted, or covered by expensive silks and velvet.

"Good evening, Sir and Madame Vernon," Essik bowed to each in turn, deferentially. It took Caleb a moment to catch up. He bowed, but only once. "It's always an honour."

"Good to see you again, Shadowhand! Is this the Hero of the Dynasty we've heard so much about?" Sir Vernon asked, drink in hand, as he turned to inspect Caleb, who was getting a little tired of being gawked at like a tiger in a carnival.

"Yes! One of them. Doesn't he look the part? He's also a brilliant arcanist." Essik liked complimenting Caleb in front of others, particularly after not being able to say a word about him to anyone for months.

"Luxon preserve you for saving our Beacon! May I kiss your hand?" Madame Vernon asked. She was wearing  a rather complicated looking circlet. Minor royalty, Caleb guessed, although the circlet may have been purely decorative; it could not hold a candle to the Bright Queen's.

"I'd rather... nein, danke..." Caleb mumbled under his breath, confused and a little overwhelmed. He did not want to appear rude, but that seemed a step too far. The champagne was beginning to make him feel a little feverous. The room was starting to spin. Essik, who had, by this stage, developed a sixth sense about Caleb, curled an arm around his shoulder protectively, and shook his head, his free hand outstretched in front of him.

"I am afraid the Hero of the Dynasty has had a very exhausting day defending Xhorhas. We were just leaving. Another time, perhaps?" He hummed.

Another dip of his head, and he spun Caleb around and started heading, in a measured but determined way, in the direction of the door. Caleb struggled a little to keep pace.

"Are we leaving? So soon?" He asked, head swiveling back to take in his fill of the crowds and lights as they blurred from view. As desperately as he wanted to leave, he had been willing to stay for Essik's sake. He sincerely wanted to make a good impression. These were his people, after all. He presumed Essik would be happier among them, and more at home, than he was with Caleb and the Nein, but he did not seem particularly happy. Caleb worried he was to blame. Once they were safely outside, in the now empty courtyard, Essek spun around to face Caleb, who still looked unwell.

"I hate these parties. Everyone talks, but no one says anything. The food is expensive, but the servings are so meagre they couldn't satisfy a family of flies. And the band only knows two songs, which is why the champagne is free. We can stay if you want to, but... you've gone a little purple, dear. Is something wrong?" Essik nervously ran a hand through his hair, a shock of perfect white, that reflected the light of the moon, shaved close at the sides. 

"I want to tell them about us. My friends, I mean. I just don't know what to say. What are we?"

"What are we? Oh, uhm," Essik whistled, gazing off into the middle distance. "We are courting, are we not?"

He looked around them, unsure which direction to take, but not overly keen to have this conversation so close to the doors of the Lucid Bastion. They might easily be overheard, or interrupted. 

"Did you tell the Bright Queen we're courting?" Essik had been reporting back to her in the beginning, and he assumed Essik was reporting to her still. He just thought he kept quiet about one or two things... up until fifteen minutes ago, when she made a point of receiving him as Essik's 'companion.' He was not a guest of the Bright Queen in his own right, as he had not been personally invited; he was a guest of the Shadowhand. It was a slight, albeit a subtle one. It also carried with it certain implications. He was not being introduced as a person of importance, in his own right, but as a consort of someone much more important than himself. All his hard work to prove himself to the Dynasty could not forgive his crime of having been born outside of it. He was still not welcome there, really. He wondered if he would ever be welcomed there, even if he helped them win their war.

Essik took a deep breath, composed himself. He had been putting off this conversation, but now seemed as good a time as any. At least the courtyard looked picturesque beneath the full moon, which illuminated the flowers and the statues so beautifully. Maybe Caleb would think it romantic, if he could see anything at all with his poor vision.

"She gave us her blessing, which means I am free to promise myself to you." A weighted pause. "However... she did not know you would be my guest tonight. I forgot to warn her, beforehand, to expect you. It came as a surprise. We are not used to having humans in the Lucid Bastion, least of all during a gala such as this. Please do not take it personally if she acted a little coldly to you, it was merely to get back at me, for surprising her. She has nothing against you. My Den Mother might, but I could tell she spoke to her—did you see the look on her face when I introduced you to Aloyes Kryn?! Priceless!" He laughed, a genuine, heartfelt laugh. He started walking, and Caleb followed. The champagne had a positive effect on him: he seemed brighter and more animated, now, than Caleb had ever seen him. He had mistakenly ascribed his good spirits to the party, but now he was out in the open air, passing through the outer courtyard, he looked so much happier. Maybe it was the night.

"Promise... what?" Caleb asked, still a little lost. He stopped walking. Essik let go of his hand, slid a step ahead of him, then spun around to face him. The light chill in the air was invigorating. There seemed to be a million stars overhead.

"I am yours, to do with as you please, in the eyes of the Bright Queen."

"There's an offer! Where do I start?" Caleb asked, choking back a laugh.

Essik raised a hand to take up his chin, smiling coyly, before tilting his head to kiss him. 

"Does this mean we're engaged?" Caleb asked, pulling back to admire Essik's bright eyes, long lashes, and hair as white as snow. Skin so soft, so warm. Full lips, sharp teeth. He was glad everyone else was indoors; glad to have the courtyard to themselves. 

"Only if you want to be."

Caleb tried to imagine being engaged. It wasn't easy. Just more rituals he had never been taught. _Who teaches you these things? Your parents?_

"I wish you could have met my parents. They would have loved you," Caleb observed quietly.

"Would they really? A drow from the Dynasty?" Essik asked, raising a brow. All he knew about Caleb's parents could be written on the back of a matchbox. 1.) they loved Caleb very much, 2.) they loved the Empire, and 3.) Caleb took their lives because the Empire they so loved asked him to. He doubted they would take kindly to their only son bringing home a drow employed by the enemy, let alone marrying one.

"All they ever wanted was for me to be happy. I'm happy with you."

A sad smile. Essik looked away. He was trying to think of some way to cheer Caleb up. Talking about his family always made him maudlin, and the champagne was probably not helping. It made some carefree; it made others maudlin. They started walking again, side by side, taking the air, but they no longer held hands. Essik finally turned on him, opening his mouth to say something. Before he could, Caleb's mouth was on his. Another desperate, rushed kiss. Hands searching in the dark for anything they could hold on to, any way to get closer. Any distance between them too much.

"Let me catch my breath first!" Essik complained when they broke away. He could still taste Caleb in his mouth. He whisked the back of his hands across his lips.

"I want this. Us. Whatever it means. I'm not afraid," Caleb said with conviction. He felt dizzy, but took up Essik's hand, without looking, to steady himself. They had a connection, now; they could communicate without a word, find each other without looking.

"Good. That's... good. I'm glad! But I should get you home. I don't know how much of this is the champagne talking." Essik took the lead as they walked back to Xhorhaus. He might have exhausted another spellslot teleporting there, but he did not entirely trust himself. Teleporting was difficult enough when you were sober, and he had drunken more than he should have. By the time they arrived at the Xhorhaus, Caleb was practically asleep on his feet. Unable to find his key in any of the coat pockets he could reach, Essik knocked on the door, Caleb slunk against his shoulder. Essik kept a hand around his waist to support him, but he was taller than him, and more slender. It was not easy holding him up.

Caduceus answered the door, which chimed upon their arrival. Essik gave him his best smile, glad to see the firbolg. If one of the others answered, this would be harder to explain. Caduceus took everything in stride.

"Hello! I would like to deliver a wizard."

"What's wrong with him?" Cad asked, assuming the worst. He was apparently not used to receiving drunken wizards in the middle of the night.

"Nothing a restoration spell can't cure. He just had a little too much to drink, and I wanted to make sure he got safely home. Would you like to take over?" Essik asked.

"Oh, ah... bring him in, his rooms just through..." Caduceus stood back, gesturing for Essek to enter in, as he held open the door.

"I know. Yes. Excuse me," he said, passing through the threshold and brushing past the towering pink firbolg towards Caleb's study, then into the bedroom. Caduceus opened doors for him as he went. Caleb did not say anything, but laughed a little, when Essik tried to take off his coat and boots before putting him to bed. He grabbed hold of Essik's arm and tried to lead him down onto the bed with him. Essik faltered, a little, losing hold of his gravity spell and crashing into Caleb's arms for a single moment, before finding it again, and righting himself. Caleb tugged at the collar of his mantel, imploringly.

"Please stay!" He crooned, half-singing, half-speaking.

Essik shook his head, straightening out his mantel, brushing off the sleeves.

"Not tonight. I have to get home. Sleep well, Caleb."

A brusque goodbye, but they were not alone. His eyes darted to Caduceus, who watched the scene play out from the door, evidently amused.

"You will look after him for me, won't you?" Essik asked Caduceus as he moved away from the inebriated wizard's bed.

Caduceus nodded. "I know a great hangover cure, he'll be right as rain in the morning!"

Caleb started singing in Zemnian something about a sailor lost at sea.

"Make sure he doesn't run away in the middle of the night, while you're at it?" He instructed, casting one look back at a pleasantly intoxicated Caleb before heading for the main entrance. It only occurred to him after he left how familiar this scene must have appeared to Caduceus, only this time their roles had been reversed.

He was already looking forward to getting torn apart in the morning for bringing an Empire human to an event specifically designed to take everyone's mind _off_ the Empire. If he was lucky, half of Court would be too busy sleeping off the effects of their champagne to turn up.

 

 

***

 

 

"Essik wants me to go away with him once this war is over," Caleb told Beau the following day, when they had a moment alone together.

"You're leaving us?" Beau asked, one hand on her hip, the other arm leaning against her upturned staff for support. Her legs were crossed at the ankle.

"I didn't say I was going," Caleb replied, running a hand over the back of his neck.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

He smiled meekly.

"I think so?"

She grinned back.

"Still haven't made your mind up?"

"I do love him, but... I've also hurt him. He trusted me, and I took advantage of his trust. He says he's forgiven me. He says he wants to give up his title and leave Rosohna for me, but... it's too much. What if he regrets it?"

"He won't. I've seen the way he looks at you, like the sun shines out of your ass. I don't know how it took you so long to notice."

"Charming. I'll miss you the most," he replied, shaking his head.

"What about Nott?" Beau asked. So much had changed since Yeza. They still clearly loved each other, but... they had grown apart. He still had not talked to Veth about Essik. He wasn't sure _how._

"Veth has a family of her own to go back to, as soon as it's safe, and we can make her... herself... again." A miracle he still had to perform, but the highest miracle on his list. Top priority. "Where you will go once all this is over?"

"Haven't made my mind up," Beau said, rolling back her shoulders, shaking out the arm that now carried her staff aloft. "I'll stay with the others, I guess. Look for Yasha."

Caleb knew Beau took Yasha's loss harder than the others. She put on a brave face and pretended not to care, but he knew better. He had overheard her talking to Jester. They agreed the woman who betrayed them in the King's Cage was not the real Yasha. She was only acting under Oban's influence. If there was a way to help her, free her... they would find it, no matter the cost.

"When you find her... give her my thanks. She saved my life more times than I can count." They bumped fists.

"I will. Hey, Caleb? I hope you're happy together. It's nice seeing you smile, for once. He must be doing something right."

Caleb nodded, considering her. "He's done a lot right. How are you holding up, since we came here?"

"Losing Yasha was a lot. Betraying Dairon was a lot. Coming here was... a lot, fighting for the Dynasty is a lot. It better be worth it." She was putting this on his shoulders, because he was the one who gave them the Beacon. He had taken a gamble. He still had his fingers crossed it would pay off.

"The world will be a better, safer place, once the Cerberus Assembly is finally destroyed. We are on the right side." He had to believe they were on the right side. Once they found the Scourgers who were after him, maybe... they could lead them to others. Lead them to Ikithon. Lead them to victory. The Empire would be so much easier to defeat, without Cerberus in the picture.

"You better be right. If your pretty boy turns on us, he'll meet the business end of my staff. I know the Empire's not perfect, and no one's getting out of this with clean hands, but... it was still my home. _Our_ home. It's not easy wearing this uniform."

She was still unsure about the Dynasty, unsure about Essik, unsure about the Bright Queen. She had every right to be. He knew he was asking a lot when he asked her to turn her back on the Empire.

"No? I like the blue scales on you. I can already see you on a gryphon, with your glowing fists, streaking across the sky like lightning!"

Beau had been looking forward to riding a gryphon into battle ever since she and Fjord agreed to join the Kryn army.

"You can just say I look hot, Caleb," Beau said, flashing a signature smile.

He gave her two thumbs up. He was still learning how to be a good friend.

"You look hot, Beauregard," he assured her. "Yasha doesn't know what she's missing."

"Thanks, man! Want to train? You hurl a few firebolts and I dodge 'em, for old time's sake."

"Ja, sounds good!" He held out a hand, summoning a flame. Beau went to fetch her new helmet, covered in blue-black scales to match the rest of her Kryn armour, incandescent like the scales of a dragonfly, but dark and sleek enough it allowed her to blend effortlessly into the shadows. She was light on her feet, and wore it well. Her armour had been custom ordered by the Bright Queen herself. It was supposed to be magic resistant, and Beau wanted to put that claim to the test. She braced her staff with both hands. Caleb shot a small firebolt at her feet. She jumped into the air then dove forward, rolling, then picked up her staff and rose the end so it pressed just below Caleb's chin, grazing his throat. He lifted his chin and held his hands up, as if under arrest.

"You caught me!"

Beau smiled triumphantly, staff still raised.

Essik transposed himself a few strides behind her back.

"Having fun?" He asked over her shoulder, his voice a low purr.

Beau jumped, quickly lowering her staff before she impaled Caleb.

"Shit! How long have you been standing there?!" She hated surprises, too.

"Only a moment. I was waiting downstairs, but no one answered the door. Is this a bad time? Should I leave?"

"No, please don't go! I'm glad you came," Caleb answered, smiling sheepishly. He had been hoping Essik would return so he could apologise for his behaviour the night before, and their argument in the mountains, and that time he tried to destroy Essik's timeline. His list of mistakes was getting longer by the day. He still could not understand why Essik had forgiven him, but he was grateful. He was committed, now, to earning that forgiveness. He would fight for the Dynasty and the Bright Queen without reservation. He would fight to save Essik's home. He would fight to ensure his friends, and those dear to them, got out of this mess with their lives.

"The armour suits you, Beauregard," Essik observed approvingly, happy to see the Bright Queen's instructions had been followed to the letter. It was exquisitely made.

"Thanks, Essik!" She shot back with an exaggerated wink.

He smiled politely at the blue monk before turning to Caleb, who was rolling his eyes. The Nein had made a game out of flirting with Essik. Even Beau liked to take part for a laugh. They only did it to tease Caleb, because he still refused to admit they were a couple, even though they practically lived together now. They just took turns, spending half their nights in Xhorhaus, the other half in the Lucid Bastion _._ 'A security measure,' Caleb assured them, because he was being hunted by assassins, but it had become increasingly apparent over the last few weeks that Essik was more than just his bodyguard.

"Are you feeling any better today?" Essik asked, leading Caleb away from Beau, to the edge of the rooftop garden.

"I'm sorry about last night. I hope I didn't get you in trouble with your superiors?" Caduceus' restoration spell had taken away the worst effects of his drinking, but his memory of last night was still a blur. What he could remember was enough to mortify him.

"My only superior is the Queen," Essik replied, pointedly. "But no, not at all! You enjoyed yourself at a party... what could be more appropriate? The Kryn would have seen it as a personal slight if you did _not_ enjoy yourself by partaking in our feast, and accepting our hospitality. I'm only sorry your friends could not join us. It would have been a much more entertaining evening."

Caleb tried to imagine how the party would have gone if Jester and Veth had come along. He pictured the towering walls of the Lucid Bastion covered in Jester's 'art,' and improvised fireworks. Then his thoughts circled back to what he had wanted to say, what he had been mulling over all morning. He tried to compose himself, and cleared his throat.

"I don't remember much, but... it wasn't the champagne."

"Hmm?"

"I meant what I said last night."

"You said a lot of things last night. I can hardly be expected to have listened to all of them."

"Very funny. Do you still want to get engaged, or have you changed your mind?" Caleb asked, tilting his head to one side.

Essik looked him over. His cloak hung loosely over his shoulders, his shirt only partly buttoned up, his long, unkempt hair, was in disarray. His face, which had gone unshaven for a few days, was just beginning to turn ginger, like moss spreading over the roots of an old tree. He looked a mess; but an endearing one. Essik felt compelled to take him home, and clean him up, and take a comb to his hair. It was not a compulsion he had ever felt before, and he was not sure it justified his decision to keep Caleb around, but his mind was resolved.

"Who's getting engaged?" Veth asked from the head of the stairs. No one had heard her climb them, she was so light on her feet. She saw Caleb talking with Essik and quickly scurried over towards him.

 _"Nobody._ We were just leaving," Caleb insisted, a hand hovering just over Essik's shoulder as he shepherded him towards the stairwell, hoping to brush past Veth, but she grabbed hold of his free arm before he could, stopping him. He swiveled around to face her, retracting his arm.

"You can't just run off and get married without me, Caleb!"

Caleb covered his face with his hand. _"No one's marrying anyone!"_

"Does the Bright Queen know you've been having relations out of wedlock?" Beau cooed.

"Caleb, sweetheart, why didn't you tell me things had gotten so serious?" Veth asked, clearly concerned.

"You were busy. You had Yeza and Luc to worry about. Can we discuss this another time? Essik's a very busy man..."

"I think it's touching she cares so much for your welfare!" Essik glided forward until he was before Veth, and extended a hand. "I would like to thank you, Mrs Brenatto, for all you've done to keep Caleb safe. He has told me many stories about your bravery and loyalty. You are a truly remarkable woman, and it has been an honour to make your acquaintance."

She warily took his hand and shook it as best she could. Hers were mostly claws under those bandages, which were already going to ribbons.

"Thank you, Essik! At least someone here has good manners, and knows how to treat a lady! I like him."

Veth approved of him. That was good. Essik knew her opinion was important to Caleb.

"What's going on?" Caduceus asked, bringing up a tray of refreshments. The garden was much more crowded than he had expected.

"Essik and Caleb just got engaged!" Veth exclaimed.

"Oh, that's nice!" Caduceus replied, smiling.

 _"Did we?_ I don't remember being asked," Caleb muttered, already feeling out of place.

"We should go, or else we'll be late," Essek explained, sensing Caleb's distress and lightly touching his shoulder.

"Have fun, you two! Be safe!" Veth called after them as they headed for the stairs. "Don't talk to strangers! Watch out for demons! Use protection!"

Beau laughed, nearly dropping her staff. They were already halfway to the door. 

Once they were outside, they headed in the direction of the Firmament. As they walked, Essik informed Caleb that the assassins pursuing him had been taken into custody, and he would make sure they never harmed him or his friends. Two elite Scourgers, just as he predicted. Caleb was not as relieved by the news as Essik thought he would be.

"Sometimes I forget how dangerous you are," Caleb mumbled, frowning.

Essik grinned, flashing his fangs.

"Only for a good cause."

Caleb was having unpleasant flashbacks to the Blumentrio. Everything they were asked to do seemed less terrible, weighed less heavily on their conscience, because they believed it was done for 'the greater good.' In retrospect, so many of the things they did left him cold.

"You were right about them being Scourgers. So far, that's all we've been able to find out, but I think I can make them talk. Care to watch?"

Caleb had voiced some interest, before, in observing an interrogation. This one, however, hit too closely to home.

"They'll send more," Caleb asserted. Essik replied: "Maybe," as if there was any doubt.

 _They are me,_ Caleb could not help but think as they walked on through the darkened streets of Rosohna. _They are what I would have become, if I did not break. If I did not end up in that Asylum. If I did not meet Nott, and the rest of the Nein. If things had worked out a little differently, that could so easily be me, in a Kryn prison cell, awaiting interrogation.  
_

"You don't have to kill them."

"Why would I kill them? It would be over too soon."

"I don't want you to kill anyone for me."

Astrid had. Hell, even Veth had. He didn't want to add Essik to the list. He had enough deaths on his conscience already. The request surprised Essik, but he could see from Caleb's expression this caveat was important to him, so he conceded.

"Very well, I won't. But they will remain locked away. I cannot guarantee whoever takes over my position, after me, will be so merciful."

"Ja, gut. We'll be long gone by then, it won't matter."

 _So keeping them alive isn't the important part?_ That made Essik hesitate. He knew Caleb had been hand-selected by Cerberus at a young age. He would have been too young to have any real choice in the matter. He did not blame Caleb for being a prodigy turned into a weapon. More or less the same fate had befallen him. They were simply pawns in a larger game. This was something Essik had many years to resign himself to, while Caleb... still needed time to completely make peace with his past and move on. Essik knew this, understood this, but... one point was still unclear. Caleb wanted revenge on Ikithon, but would he be just as willing, just as prepared, to kill anyone who got in their way, even if they were someone he once knew? Even if they were Astrid or Eodwulf? He claimed to want them dead, but his hesitancy to see these Scourgers executed made him wonder.

"Is something else troubling you?" Essik asked, watching him closely. "You know you can always talk to me."

Caleb went quiet and started walking ahead a few pace, gazing up at the sky. He thought of Beau and Dairon. He wanted to tell Essik about them, but he had sworn to Beau he would keep her secret. She felt responsible, and promised to 'take care of it' as soon as Dairon returned to Xhorhas. Still, it felt wrong withholding information from the one person who might be able to help them.

"No, not really... I'm just afraid of tomorrow. The future is so uncertain."

"I'll be by your side. We will face it together," Essik reassured him, or tried to. He edged forward and took up Caleb's hand, which was still shaking. He could tell Caleb was afraid of more than just the future, but he wasn't going to pressure him to talk before he was ready.

Caleb knew this was just the start. Now that Ikithon knew he was alive and a traitor to the Empire, he would not rest until he found him. He and his friends would not be safe until Ikithon was dead. If Astrid and Eodwulf were still alive... he would have to deal with them, too. He wondered if he would be strong enough to stop them. They had nearly fifteen years on him, to train and improve their magic, while he wasted away in that asylum. What if they outmatched him? What if Essik got hurt, _or worse,_ trying to help him? He had already lost too much, he was not sure he could survive losing Essik, too. When they first met, Caleb was still too much of a mercenary to think twice before incorporating Essik into his plans for revenge. Now all he could see was the danger he was putting him in.

As they entered the outskirts of the Firmament, Caleb summoned his dancing lights, so he could read the signs and make out the faces of passersby. It was a lot easier walking through the crowded streets and marketplace of Rosohna with the Shadowhand at his side, and the Queen's favour around his neck. It had taken a few months, but the residents who lived and worked there had finally begun to warm up to him. Some even smiled, and waved, and said 'good day' when he passed by, as if he had any right to be there at all. Essik beamed approvingly when he smiled back and said thank you to one merchant, when offered a cooked spider, which he saved for Frumpkin. He traded stories with another merchant about rocs, and was offered a book on wildlife indigenous to Xhorhas at half-price. He knew he was lucky to be able to see Rosohna and its inhabitants up close like this; it proved to him the people here were just like any other. Rosohna was not the den of monsters and fiends the Empire made it out to be, when they named it Ghor Dranas.

"I went into the Ghostlands on a dare once," Essik told Caleb, as they continued their tour of the city. "I was only a child. One of our number fired an arrow over the wall and into the woods, and told me to retrieve it. I got lost, because all the trees look the same. I finally found the arrow, but a wild moorbounder tried to attack me. I fought it off, and ran to hide. Ameera found me, a few hours later, frightened out my mind, and dragged me back. She said she was proud of me for slaying a moorbounder, and told the others a story of how heroic I was, fending off an entire pack all by myself."

"You haven't been to the Ghostlands since?"

"Not without a fleet of armed guards. This world is full of dangers. But that's not... the purpose, of my story, I was trying to make a point. What she did for me, then, by changing my story... that's what we do every day, here. We change the story, we skew the narrative, we show one side of ourselves to the world, and another in private. Everyone in Court projects a false image of themselves. You are the first real person I've met. That's what impressed me most, during our lessons. You put so much of yourself into your spells. You're not afraid of appearing vulnerable. There is a strength in that, in telling the world you are afraid, but you will keep going."

"Why should you care what the world thinks? What the rest of Court thinks? You're so much better than them."

"That's what I am trying to learn from you!" Essik laughed, shook his head. "I really must keep you around; you do wonders for my self-esteem. Let's go find something to eat—no more spiders, I promise."

It started raining. Essik deflected the drops easily, with the same gravity spell he cast over himself every day. Caleb, who had neglected to learn any gravity spells, wanted out of the rain. Essik told him to stop for a moment, then lightly touched his shoulder, extending the gravity spell over him.

"What did you do?" Caleb asked in surprise. He did not feel any different, except the water fell _over_ him, and _around_ him, now, without a single drop touching his skin.

"Spell transference. I don't want to spoil your hair." He trailed a hand over his shoulder, and down his arm, never once breaking contact.

"Can I fly, now?" He missed flying. Too much time had passed since he had an excuse to use polymorph.

"Not unless you already could. You know I can't actually fly, right? I'm just inverting gravity."

"No one's perfect," Caleb replied too quickly. _Was that a joke? Is he trying to make a joke?_

"Except for the Umavi," Essik corrected. "But who wants to be perfect?"

Even prodigies of dunamancy were not expected to reach 'Umavi' during their first life.

He could afford to make mistakes. He just had to trust this was not one.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(( Sorry about the wait, I've been travelling! I thought I'd finish this chapter awhile ago, but I wanted to make some alterations based on more recent episodes. If there are some inconsistencies with earlier chapters... that's why. Only one more chapter to go. Thanks for stopping by, all kudos & comments appreciated! ))_

When armed guards came to bring the Mighty Nein before the Royal Assembly, they went willingly, not knowing what had happened, or what they were accused of. As they walked to the Lucid Bastion, escorted by guards who had already removed their weapons and armour, they tried to ask questions, but received no answers. It was only once they reached the Bastion they began to learn what was going on, from scraps of overheard conversations. Everyone stared at them, pointing and whispering. The Lucid Bastion had been infiltrated, and the Queen's Right Hand murdered. The assassin(s) had also gone after the Bright Queen, who was spirited away from the Lucid Bastion as soon as an alarm was raised, and the Shadowhand. That caught Caleb's attention. He turned to face two wide-eyed noble dark elves who were whispering his name.

"Is the Shadowhand alive? _Is he safe?!"_ He asked them in common, hoping they would understand, willing them to understand.

Two guards were still holding onto either arm, even though he made no effort to resist them. He knew it would be useless to resist them.

"The Shadowhand is still alive, last I heard. He wasn't in the Bastion during the attack," a noblewoman answered in common.

Caleb closed his eyes and murmured: _"Thank the Gods,"_ under his breath. _He's alive; he's safe; at least for now._

Now all he had to worry about was keeping his friends alive.

The guards pulled at his arm and he trudged a few heavy steps forward, along with the rest of the group.

Most of the crowd were speaking undercommon. Caleb discreetly cast comprehend languages to listen in. Beau recognised the spell.

"What happened?" She asked, trying to move towards him as they walked. Her arms were bound together, unlike his. She _had_ resisted.

"An attempt was made on the Queen's life. Her Right Hand died. They think we're responsible, somehow."

Her eyes widened, fear taking hold. She stared at him, then looked to the guards, who glared back.

"But that's ridiculous! How could we—?! _Why would we—?!_ " Beau did not have time to finish her question before the doors to the throne room were thrown open, and the Nein were shown in, each accompanied by one or two personal guards.

Their trial attracted a large crowd. Beau was accused of assassinating the Queen's Right Hand, and plotting to murder the Bright Queen herself, with the help of Caleb, a 'known Scourger.' Letters had been found which made it look like Beau and Caleb were both working for the Cerberus Assembly. Witnesses were called, who claimed to have seen Beau in the Lucid Bastion at the time of the attack. Her medallion was found, discarded, when she tried to run away. Dunamatic magic had been used to help her enter and escape the Lucid Bastion. Caleb was also accused of manipulating the Dynasty to win their trust and gain access to restricted magic. The rest of the Nein were charged as accomplices. Either they helped the two traitors plan the attack, or they were shielding them, now, from justice. In reality, the Nein were innocent, but no one believed them. As the Assembly deliberated, they asked the prisoners to be taken outside. Guards watched the doors, but they were given a few minutes to speak among themselves.

Caleb leaned with his back against the door and his eyes closed, one hand pressed to his temple, trying to put his racing thoughts in order. Looking around the crowded throneroom made him feel very small. He hated crowds. He particularly hated being the one in the middle who every eye was trained on. He swallowed hard.

"Essik will help us, don't worry!" Jester insisted, lightly patting his arm.

He had searched the faces within the Queen's Court, but had not seen Essik among them. It looked as if they were on their own, now.

"What if he can't? I haven't seen him all day. The Queen knows about us, maybe she didn't want him to be here for this." _Maybe he didn't want to be here for this._

Someone had framed them. They suspected Dairon. As soon as Beau discovered the Bright Queen's medallion was missing, she knew Dairon had taken it. She also knew Dairon had enchanted items which could allow them to disguise themself, slow time, and pass through locked doors. Beau was still in shock, standing apart from the others, stone silent and lost in thought. She felt responsible for lowering her guard in the first place, for giving Dairon the opportunity they needed to abuse her trust. It had been Dairon, after all, who warned her not to trust anyone.

"Do you want me to cast sending once we're out of here? I can ask if he knows anything," Jester suggested.

"Where we're going there will be no way to cast sending spells," Caleb answered curtly, as he made a quick search of his pockets, to make sure he still had his books and components on him. Everything was present and accounted for. The guard who searched him must have been new. All they took was his knife.

"Does he mean the celestial plane or prison?" Fjord asked, still anxiously scanning the chamber for threats. He was struggling to keep hold of his nerves. They all were.

Jester shrugged.

"If Yasha were still here, she'd know what to do," she said with a sigh.

"I don't think Yasha could talk us out of this one," Fjord replied, shaking his head. "Caleb? Do you want to do the talking, or should I?"

"Let Beau talk. She knows the most about it," Caleb answered, but his words sounded empty, lifeless. They would likely die whoever spoke. At least Beau had something she could give them. She knew who was responsible, and she knew them very well. If _she_ sold out Dairon, they might be granted a lighter sentence. Lifetime imprisonment, maybe. Caleb had seen firsthand how prisoners of the Dynasty were treated. He would rather go out fighting.

"Can we even be sure it was Dairon?" Jester asked.

"Who else? She even took Beau's medallion, making ours worthless," Fjord replied, reaching for the token which still hung around his neck. They had not thought to remove them in the confusion.

"I don't think a medallion is going to make much difference in prison, anyway," Nott retorted, sharply. She still remembered sharing a shabby little prison cell with Caleb. She had no intention of going back. They had to do something, quick. She looked to Caleb, but he would not meet her eyes. "Caleb... you have to get us out of here! You're our only hope!"

He felt his throat closing. He couldn't breathe. Nott reached out to take his hand.

_[Where are you?]_

Caleb heard someone call, but the voice was inside his head. Essik's voice.

_[They won't let me in. I must be brief. Are you innocent? Are your friends? Can you trust them?]_

_A sending spell, like Jester's. How much should I tell him? Can I still trust him?_   Caleb wondered. Yesterday he would have said yes, but now... the stakes had changed. His Queen's life was on the line. Caleb could not expect Essik to place his welfare before his Queen's.

He tried to clear his head. He thought back to the first time they met, alone, outside the Bastion, outside of Xhorhaus. It hadn't been so long ago, really. He remembered rain seemingly without end, which chilled the air. He remembered wandering the streets of Xhorhas alone. Most of its denizens were nocturnal. They were accustomed to perpetual night, but Caleb was not. He had to summon a few dancing lights, as he made his way through unfamiliar streets, trying to remember the directions he had been given, but the lights turned out to be a bad idea. He just brought more attention to himself. He let his medallion hang loose, on the outside of his shirt, but he was still too obviously human, even with a cloak up over his head, to be left alone.

_"What are you looking for, little human?"_ One resident hissed, swatting its tail back and forth, teeth barred, dagger drawn. Ready for a fight. _"What a fine meal you'd make, if you only had a little more meat on your bones!"_

An orc caught up their arm before they could attack, and turned a wary eye on him. _"Go back to your own people. You're not wanted here."_

He nodded his head, but kept silent, and continued on by a different path. Eventually, he found the tavern he was looking for. He flashed his medallion at the doorman and was allowed to enter. Inside, a red tiefling manned the bar. Caleb passed through the small but crowded bar, to the next floor, where Essik was people-watching the patrons below from the banister. He looked apprehensive the half-second before his face lighted on Caleb's, and broke into a smile. Caleb let down the hood of his cloak.

"There you are!" Essik exclaimed. He was dressed down, wearing his most muted black robes, but he still looked out of place in that cheap tavern. "I had nearly given up hope."

Caleb took the chair opposite him. Essik's smile faltered when he did not immediately respond. He could tell something was wrong.

"I almost didn't make it," Caleb admitted, forcing a smile. He looked a little shaken, but otherwise unharmed.

"Were you accosted by thieves?" Essik asked, leaning closer now, intrigued, resting his narrow chin against the back of his hand.

"No, but... I am beginning to get the impression they don't like humans here."

"They were probably afraid of you," Essik began, preparing to explain the systemic oppression of so-called 'monster races' by humans, before taking in Caleb's weathered expression and having a change of heart. This wasn't the time. "But I should not have asked you to come here, knowing how dangerous it is for someone like you to traverse these streets alone. I was not thinking. Forgive me."

Caleb had not told the others he was coming here. He had not told them about his last visit, either. There was a kind of intimacy that came with being conspirators, which made meeting in a dimly lit tavern in the dead of night all the more appealing. So appealing that when Essik offered, Caleb immediately accepted, without stopping to consider the risk he was taking.

"Don't apologise! I wanted to see you again. I've heard a lot about you, recently. I wanted to know if the stories were true."

"One moment, please." Essik snapped his fingers, summoning a waiter. He ordered drinks for both of them. Caleb tried to refuse, but Essik assured him that Den Theylas was footing the bill, and found some excuse to touch his arm in the process. Caleb immediately went silent. He might as well have hit a switch. "You look like you could use a drink... but where were we? Oh, yes, stories! What stories?"

Caleb cleared his throat. Essik was still touching his arm. Their knees brushed together, their chairs were so close.

_Is he doing this on purpose?_ Caleb wondered, his eyes narrowing. _He must be doing this on purpose._ _  
_

"I was told you saved the Bright Queen's life once." He had heard a lot of stories about the Shadowhand. He wasn't sure which ones to believe.

"I saved her body, perhaps, but... she cannot truly die. Her soul would endure, eternally, in one form or another, whether or not I intervened."

"Why do so many people want to kill your Queen, if they know she cannot die?" He asked. Essik shrugged, lightly, examining his rings.

"They do not believe we have the power to live forever. The most dangerous mistake our enemies make is underestimating us."

"When a soul returns to a new body... what proof do you have that it once belonged to a high ranking official, or a particular Den?" Caleb did not mean to be difficult or offensive, he was just curious. There was no one else he could ask these questions, and he was still barred entry to the Conservatory. Essik looked surprised. He was evidently not used to being questioned about his faith.

"We... _they..._ who come back retain memories of past lives, recall details that no one else could possibly fathom, who had not lived them. That is how we know," Essik explained.

"But you have only their word to prove it?" It seemed like a lot to take on faith.

"Luxon would not lie to us. The Light speaks _through_ its chosen..."

"Are you one of the 'chosen,' then?" Caleb asked, looking him over. "You look like a disciple of Luxon! You practically glow."

"I... oh," Essik hummed, going silent as a bottle of spirits was brought to their table, along with two overturned glass tumblers. Essik turned them over and poured out two cupfuls, one at a time. "Everyone wants to be consecuted, that goes without saying! Those chosen consider it a great honour, but we do not actually... speak to Luxon, as such, until the day we die. I have never spoken to Luxon."

"I don't see the appeal myself. I have no desire to live forever."

Immortality sounded like a burden, particularly when it was not shared. Caleb did not envy the Bright Queen, living countless centuries, only to see her loved ones grow old and die, and her nation, and people, rust with age. To die again and again, and be reborn in a new body each time. To have to move feet that are not yours, to see, when you look in a mirror, a face you do not recognise. Like Veth. Like him, when he first broke through that spell. Was it a spell that clouded his memory? Ikithon wanted him useful, willing. When he broke... he could simply have killed him. Instead, he chose to lock him away in a stupor. He had poured too much time, effort, and money into him to simply kill him. Maybe he was holding out hope that one day he could snap his fingers, and bring him back from the brink, and start again right where he left off, as if no time had passed.

That was why Caleb kept his journal: so he would never forget the truth. He wondered what he would write about Essik when he got the chance. He was still an unknown variable. Their 'steward,' whatever that meant. _Should I trust him? He may be charming and attractive, but this is only a game to him. Why would someone like him be interested in someone like me, unless they were after something? He must be after something.  
_

"What do you desire, Herr Widogast?" He asked, bringing him back.

Caleb smiled, meekly, watching Essik's lips as he spoke.

"Oh, many things. It doesn't bare thinking of."

"Like what? Go on."

"Knowledge, freedom, magic..." _power, strength, revenge._

All the things he wasn't supposed to want. More books, more spells. The power to bend Fate to his will.

But Essik didn't need to know about that. There'd be no more lessons, then. He enjoyed their lesson.

He enjoyed being near him. _You're staring again. What for? What good could it possibly do you?_

"Freedom... from what?" Essik asked, leaning across the table. Still watching him closely. Still sizing him up.

_He interrogates people for a living,_ Caleb reminded himself. _Don't say too much.  
_

"Ghosts from my past, who haunt me."

He remembered his close call with Ikithon. Nothing had prepared him for that. He was not yet strong enough to face him; so he ran and hid. Ever since, he had been training, so that the next time their paths crossed he would be ready. There was no telling how long it would take. Maybe a day. Maybe a decade. Maybe longer. He had already lost too much sleep over it.

"And you think the Bright Queen can help you achieve this?" Essik asked, raising a brow, still utterly fascinated by this presumptuous little mage from the Empire, so full of secrets, so full of promise. He had once been a prodigy, too. Perhaps that was why he had turned up on his doorstep the other night, dazed and confused, asking about a Scourger. Perhaps that was why he went to him, instead of his friends who loved him, knew him. Perhaps he knew they wouldn't be able to understand this, but Essik might. They had more in common than either of them were prepared to admit. Essik had wanted to help him then, but he didn't know how. Maybe this was his chance. _  
_

Caleb shook his head _'no.'_

A pause followed.

"Do you think _I_ can help you?" Essik clarified.

"Maybe. Could you?" Caleb asked, surprising himself. It sounded almost like a challenge.

Essik set down his drink and once again placed a hand on Caleb's arm, which was now stretched across the small table. He noticed the jagged scars, lightly brushed his thumb over one so it barely grazed the skin. He did not know how he received them, or why, but he had ideas. They matched the Scourger's. Caleb tensed, but did not move away.

"They gave you these, I take it? To remember them by." Caleb nodded silently. "I would chase them back to the Ghostlands where they belong," Essik declared, taking another sip from his glass. Ghosts—real ghosts, and real fiends—were a common sight in Xhorhas. Why should he be afraid of whatever nightmares haunted Caleb, living or undead? Maybe he could be useful to him. Maybe they could be useful to each other. They both knew things that could help the other.

"That's a lot of trouble to go to for someone you hardly know." Caleb's eyes flashed. "I'm not sure I believe the fairytales they tell about you, and your people, back home."

He remembered the stories Ikithon told about the 'Cricks' in the east. He made them out to all be monsters who must be eradicated for the greater good. He remembered a particularly gruesome story about the legendary Shadowhand, one of their worst 'living nightmares.' Now that nightmare was, ever so discreetly, casting a spell to ease his pain. It made his arms feel... warm, at first, before the numbness set in.

"Most fables contain a grain of truth," Essik made a clicking noise and removed his hand, breaking off the spell, "but I do hope you and your friends intend to stay with us, Herr Widogast. I look forward to our talks."

"So do I," Caleb responded quietly, his gaze falling to the table and the glass he had barely touched. He felt time slipping away, drop by drop. Then the candle caught his eye. _No, don't look; don't think; don't open your mouth._

_[Light them up, pretty.]_

A visceral shock. A tremor ran through him. Memories, too. All the times he lost control of himself. All the times he let emotion drive him instead of reason. All the times he had to pay the price for caring too much about people he was not strong enough to protect. All the times he had hurt those dearest to him.

He raised his head and met Essik's iridescent eyes. Essik, who had been so patient with him, and so sympathetic, ever since he arrived. Essik, who was party to so many secrets good little mages from the Empire should not know. Caleb had wanted to use him. He did not think it would be so hard to use him. _Learn a few spells, learn all you can, and run._ It wouldn't be difficult. He had noticed the way Essik looked at him. The way his voice softened whenever he spoke to him. The way his gaze, and touch, lingered. If Caleb played his cards right, he could exploit the Shadowhand's attraction. Only... he was beginning to second guess himself, now. He had too much time to think on their last mission. Too much time to wonder if he didn't want more from this drow who had been so patient with him, and so sympathetic, then a few spells.

"I don't know why you're so kind to me."

Essik looked away and went quiet for a moment, considering his answer.

"You interest me. I want to help you. It would be easier if I knew more about you, if I had a name..."

"I gave you my name. Caleb Widogast, 33 years old, born in Blumenthal, near the Zemni Fields... it's all in my file."

"You gave me _a_ name," Essik replied, abruptly running short on patience. Caleb shrugged. His thoughts were elsewhere.

"That's my name. It's who I am, who I've become. Like your people, with your Dens. You were not always Essik Theylas, were you?"

He nodded slowly. "I see. One more barrier between you and the past. Does this usually work for you? Building a fortress around yourself? Keeping everyone at arm's length?"

"Not really. Has it worked for you?" Caleb shot back without missing a beat.

Essik smiled at that.

"You know I was trained as a Scourger. Trained to kill, without hesitation. Trained to hate the Dynasty, and everything it stood for."

Essik's smile instantly vanished, but he nodded to show he was listening. Another sip from his glass. He tried to appear unmoved.

"Why does your Queen allow me to stay, knowing this? She has no reason to trust me. None of you do. Yet you've been... kind to me. I can't understand it."

"We consider you a... calculated risk. We are grateful for what you have done, thus far, to aid us. The Cerberus Assembly chose you for a reason; they saw your potential, and so do we. I hope you shall not disappoint us."

Another pretty smile. Shining teeth. Everything about him meticulous, ordered, and neat, to the point it felt rehearsed. He was still distancing himself from Caleb, still speaking in the third person plural. He was still describing how 'we,' the Dynasty, feel, and not how _he_ felt. Caleb could only guess what his feelings were. He had vouched for them too quickly. He had taken a risk in front of the Bright Queen's court, and put his own reputation on the line in the process. He was subtly warning Caleb not to step out of line, because it would reflect badly on him, but he couched his self-interest in gentler terms, so he could look the part of the benevolent benefactor. It was all an act; it had to be.

"For as long as I am useful," Caleb clarified, with a dismissive wave of his hand, "you will let me live. I know the drill."

Essik winced, pushing his half-drunken glass away from him. This was going nowhere.

"I think you misunderstood why I invited you here," he said, moving to his feet. Caleb moved to his, in tandem.

"You said you wanted to see me outside of the Bastion so we could speak more freely?" Those had been Essik's exact words: 'to speak more freely.' 

"Yes, but not about politics, or some prisoner! I'm sick to death of politics."

What could they possibly talk about besides politics? What else did they have in common? Magic, yes, but Caleb had been warned not to go to Essik for magic until he 'earned it.' He should never have announced his interest to the Bright Queen. He should have gone to Essik directly. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Essik forced a polite smile, but Caleb saw through it. He moved between Essik and the stairs. A few heads turned to watch them.   


"What did I do wrong this time?" He asked. "Please tell me. I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Essik looked past Caleb, his eyes darting around the room, to ensure no one was within earshot, before edging closer, so there was hardly any space between them.

"You're still treating this like a business arrangement. It's... _I..._ am not a business arrangement. I may appear, to you, to be an automaton who exists solely to carry out the will of his Queen, but I assure you, I am a living breathing person with thoughts and feelings of my own."

Caleb had no idea what he had done to give Essik that impression. It could not be further from the truth. He wished he was better with words.

"Can I see you again? I won't mention the Bright Queen, or Luxon, or any of it. All I wanted was a chance to explain, to show you..." his voice caught, and he could not finish his thought. Essik's eyes flashed, watching him expectantly. Caleb felt his throat closing up.

"I'm waiting. What did you want to show me?"

Caleb looked around them. A sea of faces, none of them familiar. He could feel so many eyes on him, all sorts of eyes, monstrous eyes, in every shade. He could never go anywhere in Xhorhas without being stared at. Being seen with the Shadowhand did not help his case. How could _he_ stand it? So important. So beautiful. So powerful. Maybe some were too intimidated to meet his eye, but all who did could not look away. He could not look away, now, although he wanted to. _  
_

"I can't here, there's too many people... could we go somewhere quieter?" Caleb asked, lowering his voice. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have in public. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have at all. He wished he could skip ahead to the part where there was no longer a war, and they were no longer enemies, and he didn't have to feel terrified of the way he felt when he leaned in close like this.

"What are you afraid of? Them, or yourself?"

"Myself."

Essik smiled, but this time it was a sad smile.

"Honesty! How novel. Come find me when you've made your mind up. Light be with you."

_Stop him, while you still have the chance! Say something. Anything._

Caleb stepped aside and let Essik pass. He did not look back. He kept his head down.

_What am I supposed to say? "Don't go: I want you, need you. I don't know why._

_You're all I think about, since I came here. I can't stop thinking about you._

_Like a song forever repeating in the back of my head."_

_It doesn't matter. The group has to come first. He's a distraction. He'll only get you killed._

_Remember Veth. The letter. Ikithon. Your homeland. Your friends. They're all depending on you, now._

His hand went, instinctively, to clutch at the pendant he wore around his neck. _"To ward off demons,"_ he had joking told Veth when they first met. He did not know then how right he was.

He had spent nearly his whole life training to become the perfect weapon. He forgot his training, but the problem remained: he had never learned how to be a person who could move freely in the world, who was allowed to think and feel things for themselves, who could lead a normal, quiet, uneventful life, and fade into obscurity. He had only ever learned how to mimic the feelings of others, like an echo, or act them out, like a reflection. He could only ever play at being human, being real. No one could love a weapon.

He remembered Ikithon's last words, when they dragged him away:

_"What a waste! I thought he was stronger than the others, but I was wrong. What happened, Bren? We were going to set the world on fire."_

_Starting with the Dynasty._ How proud he would be if he could only see him now. The Dynasty was in a state of panicked chaos, now. There was an uproar in the streets. The people wanted blood.

Caleb felt Veth's grip on his arm tighten as the door was opened, and they were shown back into the Assembly Hall, before the Royal Council, who were now ready to pass sentence.

_[We are innocent, but cannot prove it. Too much false evidence. Look for a monk named Dairon. We must run, or die. Please forgive me.]_

 

 

***

 

 

"The Bright Queen is in danger. Her Second is dead—which makes you her Second. The assassin is still at large, but appears to be your ward, Beauregard Lionett, a monk from the Cobalt Soul now serving in the Dynasty's army," the messenger explained.

_Beau? She means Beau. She can't mean Beau!_ Essik had seen her only a few days ago, practicing her footwork and excitedly preparing to join the fighting in her shining new armour. _There's no way... there can't be...  
_

"She used magic to break in. They think the Zemnian mage helped her."

_Caleb? No. Impossible._

"I'm coming over at once," he said, immediately moving towards the door.

"It's too dangerous, you must stay here! The assassin is still at large, and may be looking for you."

"Not if I find them first," he hissed, when the messenger tried to stand between him and the door, arms outstretched.

"The Bright Queen gave express orders for you to stay in the Conservatory until this human has been captured and brought to trial, along with her conspirators."

_She's innocent. They both are. I know they are. You're all making a terrible mistake!_ He wanted to shout, but he knew there was no point arguing with a courier. He dismissed them, knowing he could not send a reply until the trial was over and the Lucid Bastion was re-opened to public access. There was nothing else he could do, now, except wait, so... he waited. He hated waiting. He hated being benched when he was most needed, but disobeying a direct order from the Bright Queen was an unpardonable offense, tantamount to treason.

A second message followed an hour or so later, when the M9 were rounded up and brought to trial. He left the Conservatory at once and headed directly to the Lucid Bastion, but was turned away at the doors. He had never been denied entry before. This was... unprecedented. Did the Queen somehow think him involved? Think him _responsible?_

_No. She can't._ If she did, he would be on trial with them. Part of him wished he was. If he was inside, he might have a chance to speak on their behalf. He would know what was going on.

"The Bright Queen said I was not allowed to let you enter the Lucid Bastion until after the trial, Shadowhand, Sir," one of the guards barring the entrance explained.

"What? She can't have the trial without me! I'm her Second!" He snapped, losing his temper. He never lost his temper.

The guards were not daunted; they had seen worse. "Not this time, Sir. Express orders."

Essik did not want to vent his rage on the doorman. He was only obeying orders. Instead, he paced outside the Lucid Bastion for hours, just as he had paced inside the Conservatory. He hated this. He hated how powerless he felt. He hated not knowing what was going on. He hated how no one would answer his questions. Even the guards were avoiding his eye. What must they think of him? What must _Caleb_ think of him?! He felt a headache coming on. He had to contact Caleb _somehow._ A sending spell? There was no harm in trying. He had only recently gotten hold of that particular spell. He had wanted to give Jester a taste of her own medicine. _Another time, perhaps. Once all this has cleared over._ He searched for a scrap of copper wire.

_[Where are you? They won't let me in. I must be brief. Are you innocent? Are your friends? Can you trust them?]_

He had too many questions to ask, and only twenty-five words to ask them with. He waited for a reply, but none came. Did Caleb not receive the message, or was he just unable to reply? He might be surrounded by guards, for all Essik knew, being interrogated, or tortured, or...

He shuddered and closed his eyes. _You had better not be dead, Caleb Widogast, or by all that is holy I will...  
_

No, if he were already dead, there would be no need for a trial, and no reason for the Bright Queen to keep him waiting out here in the cold. He closed his eyes, and raised his hand to cover them, trying to focus. There had to be something he was overlooking. Some way to fix this. Maybe he could still reason with the Bright Queen. She knew he had a vested interest, but... maybe she would listen.

There was no way Caleb could be guilty... right? He searched his memory, replaying conversations, looking for any loose thread, any moment where he doubted him. Yes, his friends had threatened him once, because they were frightened. Yes, they had distrusted him, but they had every right to. Caleb suspected his gifts were premeditated, but Essik eventually convinced him he had no ulterior motive. Why didn't Essik suspect Caleb of having an ulterior motive when he invited him in? When he kissed him? When he asked for magic? Because he wanted to? Because it went both ways? Because they were playing each other?

When did they _stop_ playing each other?

There had been one lesson where Essik had been too tired to _speak_ , so he went to Caleb's rooms half-dead from a long day of dutifully serving the Dynasty, handed him his spellbook, and set him free. He never needed much guidance, and if he had questions, Essik could answer them tomorrow. It was the first time Essik had allowed him to transcribe a spell unsupervised. The first time he lowered his guard completely, trusting him not only with his spellbook, but with his life. He had been slowly tearing down that fortress wall brick by brick for weeks, all because he enjoyed his company, and the way they could talk about anything. Caleb had no interest in perfection, and did not expect it of others. He did not mind when Essik was shaken by emotion, or the elements, or stumbled over his words when trying to speak Common, or when a spell went awry because he lost all focus, because it was difficult to focus when Caleb was there. So he lowered his guard and drifted off to sleep, listening to Caleb softly murmur the words of a familiar incantation, his voice a song, and watching his fingers dance through the air... only to wake up, abruptly, a few short hours later, in a darkened room, to hear Caleb shouting for help in Zemnian.

_Essik shot upright and looked around him, searching the room for Caleb. He was stretched out across the bed, where he'd left him, a spellbook lying open in his lap, eyes closed, mouth parted. He was talking in his sleep again. Another nightmare. This one looked bad. He kept tossing and turning. Essik murmured the words to a levitation spell and glided to his side. He took up the book, closed it, and set it down on his bedside table. The candle had nearly burnt itself out._

_"Wake up, Caleb! You're having a bad dream," Essik explained as he lightly shook Caleb's shoulder. He did not want to startle him awake. It was always dangerous waking a wizard from a bad dream. You might get a firebolt to the face if you're not careful. Their reflexes were sharp; they had to be. When Caleb showed no sign of waking, Essik moved away, or started to, turning his back to the bed. Caleb reached out, quick as lightning, and took hold of his arm, stopping him._

_"Stay. Don't go."_

_Essik nodded, turning to face him. The candle had nearly gone out, but Caleb's eyes cut through the darkness. He was awake, now. He moved over, so there was enough room for Essik, who took off his heavy mantle before joining him. He was used to Caleb's nightmares by now, and knew exactly what to do. He wrapped his arms around Caleb's waist, protectively, so he wouldn't act out his dream. He tried to keep his breathing low and level, so Caleb's heart rate would even out. "Shh, it's okay... I've got you. No one can hurt you now. You're safe," he promised. "I won't let go." Caleb never described his nightmares, never had to. The few words of Zemnian which got through that Essik understood were explanation enough._

_Caleb woke with the dawn, like a clock, like he always did. He almost panicked, for a moment, but then he felt the tug of someone else's arms around his chest, and a soft breath against his neck, low and rhythmic. Warmth flooded over him. He turned his head._

_"Essik?" He called out._

_"Mhmm?" Essik mumbled back, still half-asleep. He nuzzled his head into Caleb's shoulder, eyes still closed, and his hold round Caleb tightened._

_"You're still here."_

_"You asked me to stay."_

_A pause. Caleb turned, as best he could, and propped himself up on his elbows, so he could look at Essik, eyes still heavy with sleep. The curve of his chest, the roll of lithe muscles on exposed arms, too beautiful to be hidden beneath that shapeless mantel. Mussed white hair, shifted to one side, standing on end._

_"Is it really that simple?" He asked._

_"I told you before, if there's anything you require... you need only ask. You needed me last night, so here I am. No more nightmares, I trust?" Essik had to force himself awake, now, unwind his arms, and push himself upright. Caleb let his eyes run down the line of his body, admiring him, and the soft downy hair, like flecks of snow, which spread across his chest and down his torso, disappearing beneath the blanket. When his eyes finally worked there way back up to his face, Essik regarded him with a smug, self-satisfied grin._

_"No more nightmares," Caleb answered, blinking sleep from his eyes.  
_

_Another favour, which wasn't really a favour, because he would have accepted any invitation to share his bed. Because despite his prodigal status, and his famed intelligence, he became a complete idiot whenever Caleb smiled at him. Because he would agree to anything Caleb asked him to do, no matter how stupid or dangerous or illegal it was._ It hurts less if you remove the bandage quickly, _Essik thought. He made some excuse, said he had better be going, and reached to draw back the blanket and crawl out of bed. Before he could, Caleb caught up his arm a second time._

_"What if you... didn't have to go?" Caleb asked, trying to sound coy. It didn't sound coy at all. It sounded desperate, cloying. He couldn't help that. He felt desperate. He hated being this close, and still having no idea what to do or say to bring him closer.  
_

_Essik's turn to look him over. It didn't take him long to make up his mind. He licked his lips, then moved forward, a hand connecting with the side of his face, clasping his neck the moment their lips connected. He was lighter and more lithe than Caleb, and easily maneuvered himself over the mage, straddling his waist as he parted his teeth with his tongue and kissed him. Caleb reached out, blindly, to take hold of his narrow waist, his hips, dragging him closer. As if they had done this before, a hundred times. In another life; different timelines. Maybe they had._

_He knew he was breaking the rules, breaking protocol, by seeing Caleb; by helping him; by granting him, and his friends, their every wish. Access to his spellbook. Access to the Conservatory. Teleportation, whenever they needed it, no questions asked. Just because he liked when Caleb smiled at him. Just because his heart went uneven, when his gaze would linger a little too long on his lips or hands, and give him ideas. It was safe, so long as it remained purely theoretical. But now Caleb was actually in his bed, a very real problem, and Essik had no idea what to do, because he made him feel happy, truly happy, for the first time in years. He had sworn an oath to put his duty to the Dynasty first. He was not allowed to be selfish, impulsive, and reckless. Keeping Caleb for himself was selfish, impulsive, and reckless, yes, but... it made him happy, and he hadn't broken any oaths yet.  
_

Essik covered his face with his hand, then went back to pacing anxiously. How naive he had been to think he could keep this up without ever having to choose between the Dynasty and Caleb. He eventually looked up from the ground to see Ameera standing before him, and nearly jumped. He really was losing hold of himself if he had not heard her approach.

"Don't you dare say I told you so!" He snapped before she could say a word. She was frowning. She looked almost sorry for him.

"Wasn't going to. Leylas won't let you in?" She asked, as if she did not already know the answer. As if anything but an order from the Queen herself could keep him on this side of that door.

"She thinks I would be too 'emotionally compromised' to pass judgment. I have never been 'emotionally compromised' in my life!" He was raising his voice. He was contradicting himself.

"You really want to be there when they sentence your boyfriend to death?" Ameera asked, unconvinced.

"He's not guilty! He can't be!" Essik was practically shouting now. A few guards turned their heads in their direction. Essik didn't care anymore who overheard him. Anyone who mattered was in that throne room. The attempted murder of a Queen never failed to draw a crowd. People would be talking about nothing else for the next six weeks.

"You thought they were innocent. You wanted to believe they could be trusted. They fooled you, they fooled the Queen... they nearly fooled us all."

The difference was he knew them, and they did not. Hardly anyone in the Dynasty had made any effort to get to know the Nein, even after they proved their loyalty to the Dynasty ten times over. Ameera, who had never even met them, still thought she knew better than him, who had spent the greater part of the last six months in their company. He knew they were not capable of this. They were making a terrible mistake. While they were busy arresting the Nein, the real murderers was getting away.

"Except for you," he retorted sharply.

"Anyone could have made the same mistake in your position! You were lonely, and impressionable, and you read too many books. You thought you understood them."

She meant humans. It was his fault, for trusting humans. Sympathizing, with humans. Pretending that he could have anything at all in common with a human. Caleb was so much more than just a human, but that was still all she saw; all the Bright Queen saw; all any of them saw.

"Anyone could have fallen in love with an enemy assassin?"

Caleb had been honest from the start about his past. That is not the sort of mistake an active assassin, who is plotting to double cross you, makes. Caleb had told him everything, because he was tired of lying; they both were. It was just one more common thread joining them. They were both so tired of lying, and treachery, and politics. Now they were paying the price for not running when they had the chance.

"Maybe this is for the best. Now... everything can go back to the way it was," Ameera insisted, forcing a smile. He could not take much more of this. If she really cared about him, she would have waited at least five minutes after hearing about Caleb's arrest before hunting him down to gloat.

"You want me to be miserable, like before?" He asked, lips drawn back in a half-snarl. She opened her mouth to speak, but he raised a hand to silence her. "I finally find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he gets in trouble, and you think I should just... give up on him? Without asking questions? Without demanding evidence? He may have been framed! I may be the only one who can clear his name!"

She was panicking now, and he was getting angrier by the second. She had never seen him like this before. He was usually so calm, even when everything was going wrong. That's one of the reasons the Bright Queen liked him so much: ' _a level head in hard times.'_

"What will you do if he and his friends _are_ guilty?" She asked.

He went silent for a long moment, considering her.

"If they are guilty... I'll honour the Bright Queen's verdict. But I must speak to him first. I must _know_ ," he insisted resolutely. "I could tell if he was lying or under a spell if I could only see him. We don't keep secrets from each other."

"As far as you know."

Caleb's delayed reply finally came through:

_[We are innocent, but cannot prove it. Too much false evidence. Look for a monk named Dairon. We must run, or die. Please forgive me.]_

He had to enter the Lucid Bastion immediately. He had to stop him. If they tried to run and evade justice, now, rather than stay to prove their innocence, they would be signing their own death warrants.

"Please help me, Ameera! I must get into that room immediately, there's no time to explain. If you ever cared for me at all..." he took hold of her arm with both hands. "You will help me get into that room." He was begging her now. He was moments away from sinking to his knees. It was shameful to see him beg the favour of someone beneath him in rank. This was not the Essik she knew. Caleb had changed him, somehow. He had made him weak, sentimental.

"If you could only see yourself," Ameera replied, shaking her head. "Please have some dignity. Go home, wait for this to pass. Once they are gone... you will thank me for intervening. Talking to him now would only make things worse."

There was a great burst of noise from inside the Lucid Bastion. Essik and Ameera both swiveled their heads to look at the doors, which were now being opened to let out a loud crowd. Essik darted closer, to see what was happening. Ameera tried to stop him, but he flew out from her hands and towards the door before she could.

"What's happening?!" He asked the first person he could grab hold of. An older gentleman, dressed in black and white.

"The prisoners escaped! They disappeared, before the Queen could pass sentence! Out like a light!" He exclaimed, snapping his fingers.

Essik's eyes widened, and he froze in place, before turning back to look at Ameera, who could sense where this was going. Her breath caught. " _Don't you dare go after them,"_ she had wanted to shout, but he was already gone before she could.

He teleported directly to the Bright Queen's study. The spell winded him, but he quickly collected himself. Leylas Kryn looked startled to see him, but only for a moment. She told her guards to stand down and let them speak alone, although they were reluctant to leave her side. She explained everything that had taken place that morning as succinctly as she could. Essik remained silent. She had expected him to ask questions or demand evidence. She had not expected silence. She mistook it for resignation, or perhaps shock. She had never seen Essik in shock before. He was always so calm, so composed... but he was not calm or composed, now. This was something else. Something new.

"They are innocent," Essik explained once she had finished listing off his ward's alleged crimes. "There's been some misunderstanding. Your real culprit is a monk named Dairon. I don't have all the details, but if you give me time..."

Leylas Kryn shook her head and extended a hand, bidding him to stop with a gesture.

"Essik, dear, I know this must be hard news for you to accept, but... it is the truth. I know you trusted them. I know you and the human were... close. I don't hold you responsible. Many of us were taken in be these outsiders, but this futile attempt to evade justice has sealed their fate and confirmed their guilt. If they were innocent, they would not have run away."

"Fear may have driven them away. I don't think it confirms anything."

Leylas sighed. She liked having Essik Theylas in her service. He had always been loyal and hardworking. He also had a sense of humour, unlike his predecessor. She did not want to lose him over this. Good Shadowhand's were hard to find, and even harder to train.

"Several witnesses saw Beauregard Lionett flee the scene of the crime. She denies it, of course, but too many witnesses saw her pass through the Lucid Bastion, wearing my medallion, and armed with the murder weapon, for there to be any doubt."

He still had doubts. It may have been a glamour or disguise. Others had used glamours and disguises to infiltrate their ranks in the past.

"And the human... Caleb... what makes you think he was involved?" Essik asked.

"He used our own magic to help her pass into the Lucid Bastion and escape. When the guards gave chase, he slowed time, knocking out several who stood at the gates. She tried to reach me, but I was transported to safety before she could complete her mission... which was helpfully detailed, in a letter from the Cerberus Assembly. When the trial went against them, they teleported away, thanks to your human. You never warned me about that." He winced at the implied accusation. Before he could make up an excuse or apology, she continued, with a wave of her hands: "I understand. You were blinded to his true intentions. Such mistakes are... to be expected of the young. I only hope you may you live long enough to learn from this." She had taken it for granted that when Essik was arming Caleb with dunamantic magic, he would draw the line at handing over higher level spells. She was wrong.

"What will you do with them, once you find them?"

"They must die," Leylas answered without hesitation. "We gave them a trial out of courtesy. We hesitated once. We cannot afford to hesitate again, or more of our people may die. _We_ may die. I was not the only target they were after. Your name was also mentioned."

He tried to collect his thoughts. He tried to remain composed.

"May I speak to Caleb, if you capture him?"

"You may talk with him, as long as he does not leave Xhorhas alive. You should leave at once. I am sending fifteen of our finest soldiers with you. They will be ready within the hour."

"I... what?" He was having trouble following this. He was having trouble concentrating. Where was she sending him?

"Caleb Widogast must die. He cannot be allowed to take the spells he learned from us back to the Empire. You... have trained with him. You know what he's capable of. Only you could stop him."

He knew why she was doing this. She wanted to know whether or not she could still trust him. She had to eliminate all potential threats; which included making sure Essik did not become one, himself. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes. He could not refuse, no matter how much he wanted to. He had sworn an oath to serve the Dynasty. All he could do, now, was make one last appeal for mercy.

"What we were, what we meant to each other... I don't expect you to understand that. What you  _should_ understand is... Caleb believes in what we are fighting for, the world we are fighting for. He hates the Empire for what they've done to his country, his people, his family... for what they've done to _him_... he would stop at nothing to see the Cerberus Assembly destroyed. He would not be working for them, now, if he was still acting under his own volition."

"You think he is... acting under the influence of someone else?" Leylas Kryn asked, raising a hand to her chin. "Who? How? By what art?"

He still kept secrets about Caleb from his Queen. He had kept this one, in order to protect him. Now he was giving it away, in order to protect him. It was the last card he had left to play.

"The Archmage who found and trained him also placed crystals beneath his skin when he was only a child. He altered his memory and killed his family. There is no way Caleb would willingly go back to the Cerberus Assembly, no way he would help them, unless... he is once again under the power of this Archmage. If I could see him, speak to him... even if only for a few minutes... I might be able to free him from this spell," Essik insisted, fighting to keep his voice level. He had no idea whether or not he had the power to override Ikithon's magic, but... he had to try. _  
_

"If he is once again in the power of his Imperial masters... then he is beyond our help. He must pay for his crimes. The people will demand justice for what he and his people have done. Can I still trust you to carry out my will, Shadowhand Essik Theylas?" She asked.

"I vowed to serve you, my Queen. I am yours to command." _  
_

"Then go. Find Caleb Widogast and stop his heart."

"As you wish."

He bowed low, before departing.

As soon as he had left her study, and heard the door close behind him, he readied another teleportation spell. He could not waste a single second. If he hesitated now, he would lose Caleb for good. It would be safer for them both if they never saw each other again, but he knew he had to find him. He would keep his promise. Before the guards returned to their post, he had disappeared, taking a book from the Queen's library with him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(( ...Wow, can't believe Episode 77 copied my homework. Sorry for the wait, it's been a busy month! I finished the rough draft awhile ago, but I wasn't happy with it so I did a re-write, hopefully this is an improvement? There shouldn't be any major spoilers for the last few episodes if you're not caught up, so don't worry! It's strayed pretty far from canon by now. Thanks to everyone who has read this far! I have no idea how this got so long, but I really enjoyed writing from Essek's POV, so I may do a few quick one-shots in future. We'll see where the show takes them. I love every drop of lore Matt gives us on the Dynasty and Luxon, I was just filling in the blanks as best I could, so this will probably be out of date in a week... but becoming obsolete is worth it for new lore. Thanks again for the support! You're all wonderful. ))_

When they were declared enemies of the Dynasty, Jester was the first to react. Veth and Caduceus quickly leapt to her aid, creating a distraction so they could make their getaway. Caleb had frozen up. If Veth had not run forward to take hold of his arm after firing off a few explosive arrows indeterminately, dispersing the crowd, he might not have jolted back to reality in time to cast teleportation before the guards caught them. It hurt  knowing he had to leave this way, without saying goodbye; without looking back. _.._ but what else could he do, to save his friends? All that mattered, at the end of the day, was survival. As long as his friends were alive and well, it didn't matter if they had to spend the rest of their lives running, hiding.

They may not have had time to form a perfect circle, but Caleb made sure everyone had joined hands before he completed the spell, and they were torn from the room with a seering blue flash of light and throne through space and time with the force of a tidal wave. When he opened his eyes, they were back in the Xhorhaus. He let go of Beau and Veth's hands, and trying to maintain order, instructed them to grab as much supplies as they could carry, and report to the basement within the next ten minutes. Jester asked where they were going. They quickly decided on Nicodranas. Although the Empire definitely had more sway on the Coast than the Dynasty, it was technically neutral territory. They could reconvene there, catch their breath, visit family and friends, and decide where to go next.

They couldn't wait any longer here. Their home would be the first place soldiers would think to look for them. While everyone else went to grab gold, health potions, armour, and weapons, Caleb went to look for books. Making his mind up over which to take with him was a much harder task. He found one on dunamancy which he had not yet finished, and opened it to the first page. There was a handwritten inscription from Essik.

 

 

_I heard you're interested in time?_

_Can't wait to see what you do with these._

_— Yours, E._

 

 

He smiled as he read it. No full name, as if his distinct handwriting wasn't a signature in and of itself. _'Yours,'_ because he did not want to appear too forward, because it felt too soon to write: _'love.'_ An oversight on his part, or maybe a custom lost in translation. Many people signed letters to friends and family _'love,'_ whether or not they meant it. So not _'love,'_ and not _'yours sincerely,'_ because nothing sounds more insincere than making a demonstration of your sincerity, just: _'yours.'_ Caleb liked _'yours.'_ It sounded more romantic, more personal. He was grasping at straws, wasn't he? Caduceus coughed from the doorway. Caleb lifted his head and slammed shut the book. This wasn't a good time to be sentimental. The others were probably already waiting for him downstairs.

Caduceus couldn't read. It might have been any book, for all he knew, but he could tell from the fond expression on Caleb's face why he had chosen that one.

"We still have time, if you wanted to say goodbye..." he suggested, letting his words hang in the air, fill the silence, close up the gaps.

Caleb could have played innocent and pretended to have no idea who Caduceus was talking about, but soldiers would be there any minute, and lying at a time like this wasn't worth the effort.

"We can't stay, it's too dangerous. I'm not going to lose my family all over again." He pocketed the book in his coat before turning on his heel and heading for the door.

"Aw, that's sweet. You really think of us as your family?" Cad asked, smiling in a lopsided way.

Caleb slid past him and towards the stairs. Caduceus followed, scanning their surroundings as they went.

"Ja, in a way. What we had here was a good thing, while it lasted. I'm sorry about your garden, Caduceus," he said as they made their way down towards the basement. He knew Caduceus didn't want to leave. Neither did he. They all had something to lose, something they weren't ready to walk away from, tied up in this place.

"There will be others gardens," Caduceus replied, ducking to pass through the doorway. "People are harder to replace."

Caleb couldn't think of any answer, in that moment, which would satisfy him, so he kept his mouth shut. He was already busy trying to remember the circle which would take them to Yussah's tower. He couldn't afford to make a mistake now.

Everyone was waiting for them when they arrived in the basement.

"Alright, time to go!" Caleb said, snapping his fingers to get the others' attention. When he saw Jester look around her, sadly, at the home they were leaving behind, he gave her a sympathetic smile. "No looking back, remember? Like we agreed."

"What about Essik?" She asked, quietly, as Caleb took out some magic chalk. He shook his head, and looked away, unable to meet her eyes. She knew how difficult this was for him. Why did they have to keep bringing it up? Yes, he was sad about Essik! So what? Time was running out. He could be sad about Essik tomorrow. Right now, he had to focus on keeping everyone alive.

"No looking back," he repeated sternly as he dropped to his knees and started drawing the circle. Was he trying to convince her, or himself?

It was only a matter of time before Nicodranas got caught up in this mess, too. This was just a temporary stop, a stepping stone. There, they could get a ship. Had a ship. Did they still have a ship? His mind kept racing, racing, racing... and everyone was talking at once, arguing among themselves about where to go, what to do, who to blame. Their voices blurred together, became unrecognisable, but he still could not concentrate. He closed his eyes and tried to focus.

Then a voice cut through the noise, which stopped his hand and opened his eyes and turned his head.

"I'm coming with you," Essik announced from the doorway. He was hovering just off the ground, wearing a light black mantel and a gloomy, fixed expression. It had taken a lot out of him teleporting there. He was running low on mana, and nearly out of spellslots. If they asked him to leave, it would have to be by the front door. He would not be surprised if they asked him to leave. He made a point of keeping his distance, of not moving a step closer, until he knew he was welcome.

They went silent, staring expectantly at him. With some difficulty, Caleb brought himself to his feet, and let the blue chalk fall out of his hand and onto the floor with a clatter. He was too busy staring at Essik, as if he were a ghost, to notice it break.

"There goes fifty gold," Veth remarked, breaking the silence. Beau gave her a look and she went quiet, swiveled her head to look at Caleb.

It took him a few moments to find his voice. _What if the Bright Queen sent him? What if this is only an illusion?_ He certainly looked like Essik. Same bright, shining eyes. Same sad smile. That it should come to this seemed... worse, than not saying goodbye, and allowing the last memory he had of Essik to be of him smiling so warmly, as he wished Caleb good-morning with a kiss.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Caleb said, a smile slowly stealing across his face, although he was trying his hardest not to smile. Although he was trying his hardest not to delude himself, even for a moment, into thinking this was real. He knew it was probably a trap. But right now, he didn't care. He was just happy to see him.

 _"Never?"_ Essik echoed, with a rising inflection.

"Not like this, anyway..."

Essik nodded, looking Caleb up and down, before his gaze shifted to the others, who were hanging back close to the wall, laden with supplies. He was still nodding, when his eyes found their way back to Caleb's.

"I could kill you if I wanted. I could kill all of you," he explained, evenly, so that everyone knew where they stood. He was only saying what everyone was thinking.

"I know," Caleb answered, the smile disappearing.

"But I don't want to."

He edged closer, towards Caleb, who was still standing apart from the others, in front of his circle, which glowed and shimmered an unnaturally vibrant blue-green before snapping out of life. Essik, without breaking eye contact, mumbled some spell under his breath, and traced his hands through the air. It took Caleb a moment to recognise the spell. He was slowing time for everyone but them. He might have even stopped time; it was hard to tell down here. He saw Jester, Fjord, and Veth, ready to spring into action, weapons drawn, in case he tried anything. Caleb told them to hold off. Essik wasn't going to hurt them. He was buying them time so they could escape before all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men came knocking at their door. Caleb took two steps forward, meeting Essik halfway.

"When I heard the news... I was afraid I might be too late," Essik's voice broke slightly, and he stopped short. He was so relieved to find Caleb safe, among friends, but knew he would remain in danger as long as he remained in Xhorhas. His spell wouldn't last forever. He had finite amount of time to win them over, to make them see that he meant them no harm, that he couldn't possibly mean them harm, that he was the last person in Exandria who would ever intentionally cause Caleb a moment's suffering.

"You didn't come to the trial," Caleb pointed out.

"They wouldn't let me."

Essik stretched out his hand to comb its way through Caleb's hair, as he had done a dozen times before. This time, however, Caleb pulled away. An involuntary response. Essik abruptly drew back his hand, searched his eyes.

"You still don't trust me, do you?" He asked, unable to conceal the hurt from his voice. What more could he possibly do, or say, to convince Caleb that he was on his side, if the past six months weren't evidence enough? If coming here, now, wasn't evidence enough?

"What do you mean?"

"I've already risked so much for you and your friends... but nothing is ever enough to earn your trust."

Caleb frowned, dipped his head, looked away.

"I have to be careful. All my life... I've had to be careful. I _want_ to trust you, Essik, but it's not easy for me..."

_You think it was easy for me, trusting a human with Zemnian blood, who came to me looking for spells? How blinded I was by you, since that first day! But I knew what I was doing. I knew the risk I was taking. I always knew.  
_

"Yes, I know: old habits die hard," Essik remarked with a heavy sigh, looking away. He made a gesture with his left hand, closing the door magically, and affixing the lock into place. The rest of the Nein were still watching them closely, weapons drawn and magic at the ready. He smiled, appreciatively, at them, over Caleb's shoulder. He was glad they were on their guard around him. He found it comforting to know that they were ready and willing to risk their lives to save Caleb's. Even if he was sent away, at least he would know Caleb was in good hands.

"You want an explanation, don't you?" He surmised from their expressions; from Caleb's hesitation; from the way they were all pointing crossbows and blades and staves at him. All except Caduceus, who was smiling politely, and leaning against his staff as if it were a walking stick.

Essik closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and cleared his throat, mentally combing through all the things he wanted to say, trying to find the right words.

"I suspected from the start that your party was not all it claimed to be... that you were not loyal to us, or the Empire, or... anyone, but yourselves, and that it would be... dangerous, taking too close to our hearts a band of impulsive young mercenaries who are..." the Bright Queen's own words echoed through his ears, _"without faith, without purpose, without direction._ We took a risk by giving you those medallions and proclaiming you Heroes of the Dynasty. When we learned about your former involvement with the Empire, and the Assembly in particular..." a weighted pause. "We grew all the more concerned. We don't deal with double agents, as a rule. We don't trust them. If we employ one of our own to pretend to be one of theirs... what's to stop them from turning traitor twice-over, when offered a better price? No, we value... honesty, integrity. We accepted your help because you were honest with us. My people, perhaps more than most, know what it is like to be feared and despised because of your heritage alone, to feel you must pay for the crimes of your ancestors. Appearances can be deceiving. You may be from the Empire, but when you spoke of those that wronged you, and the harm they've done, there was such fire in your eyes..." now he looked to Caleb. "We traded on that. We thought you, and your friends, could be useful to us. That's what I told the Bright Queen. What I did not tell her... was that I suspected, from that first day, that a time would come when I would be forced to choose between my Dynasty and you, Caleb."

Essik finally found the strength to meet his eyes and smile. It was a soft smile, light as snow, and just as quick to dissolve, if the tenor of this conversation shifted unfavourably.

"I've made my choice. It's you."

Caleb opened his mouth, closed it. He wasn't sure what he expected when Essik appeared in their doorway, but... it wasn't this. The others were all staring at him, now. He didn't see them.

"But you love the Dynasty, and your life here! I could never ask you to join us!" He stammered out, still in shock, still reeling. "If we survive, it will be as exiles; traitors wanted by two kingdoms!"

"You don't have to ask. This is my decision to make, and whatever the consequences may be... they will fall on my shoulders, not yours. I will do everything in my power to ensure no one else has to pay the price for _my_ decision."

How could he argue with that? Essik was resolved. He knew they were on a sinking ship. He knew what he was getting into.

"Just so we are clear, ja? We are _not_ traitors. We had no idea what Dairon was planning. We made a mistake trusting them, and they framed us. I thought we could defeat the Assembly with the help of your people, but now it appears we must do it alone. If we are... successful," he nearly laughed at the very idea that they might succeed, with the odds so heavily stacked against them. "The Dynasty will know we are not the enemy, and you will one day be able to return to your people."

Essik had little hope of surviving this fight, let alone ever being accepted back into the fold of the Dynasty, by either his Queen or his Den, but if he was destined to die fighting... he wanted to die for a cause he believed in. For _people_ he believed in. The Mighty Nein might have been mad, impulsive, and reckless... but he believed they were capable of greatness. He had seen them risk life and limb to save innocents and defend their own. He had seen them survive encounters with ancient dragons and demons.

"I understand. You don't need to convince me of your innocence, Caleb. I already believe you. Whatever happens... I will stand by you."

Caleb could be lying to him, yes. He had lied to him before. In the first few months, he was so blinded by love because it was new, because it was something he had never experienced before, because he wanted so desperately to believe Caleb would not abuse his faith in him, that he made himself vulnerable, and fell into his trap. He was wiser, now. He knew himself, and Caleb, so much better. He could trust his intuition not to lead him twice into the same trap.

Caleb nodded, then looked around him, at the others.

"Good. Then let's go, before I wake up and realise what a terrible plan this is," Caleb muttered under his breath, shifting through his pockets for another piece of magic chalk to replace the broken shell he had inadvertently crushed under his boots.

"Don't you think we should talk this out, have a team meeting?" Beau asked, the first of his friends to step forward and speak up. "He could be a double agent! Maybe the Bright Queen sent him to spy on us!"

"The Dynasty don't keep double agents," Caleb and Essik echoed, practically in unison. Essik smiled approvingly and gave Caleb a sidelong glance. "You've been paying attention!" All those hours spent pouring over tomes on Xhorhassian history in the Conservatory, when he would much rather be practicing magic, had not been wasted, after all.

"I had a good teacher," Caleb remarked with a wry smile, toying with the chalk in his hand, as his gaze faltered. He looked down at his boots.

"Wait, let me get this straight: you believe he's not a spy... _because he says so?"_ Fjord clarified, looking thoroughly unconvinced.

"I trust him," Caduceus said. One vote of confidence.

"Caduceus trusts him, so he must be alright," Veth said, but she still kept her crossbow at the ready, just in case. Her trust was clearly conditional.

"I think we should interrogate him first," Beau suggested.

Jester looked between her friends, unsure who to side with.

"Caleb... are you sure about this?" She asked as she took a few steps forward. "I really like you, Essik, but..." she turned from him to Caleb. "What if they're right, and he _was_ sent by the Bright Queen? We'd be in big trouble, you know how powerful he is!"

"Use Zone of Truth," Caleb suggested, looking to Essik. "You understand, don't you? Just to be safe."

As much as Caleb wanted to believe him, he knew the others would be harder to persuade. They had been lied to, and tricked, too many times to trust anyone unconditionally outside of the Nein. Caleb knew how long it had taken the others to trust him—which he did not hold against them. He hoped Essik would not hold this against him.

"Yes! Anything," Essik answered emphatically, "whatever you need."

"Will that convince the rest of you?" Caleb asked, looking around the room, his eye darting from Beau to Fjord before finally resting on Jester, who stood off to the side, now, frowning.

"Yes, that would be satisfactory," Fjord said, and Beau nodded agreement.

Jester marched forward, brushing her hands together and closing her eyes for a moment to channel the Traveller's energy before casting Zone of Truth over them. The others merely watched, keeping a safe distance, apart from Caleb, who kept close. She reached out and took up both of Essik's hands. She didn't need to, but she thought that might reassure him.

"Sorry, Essik," she mumbled quietly, before beginning the interrogation, where she raised her voice so that the others could hear. "Are you a spy working for the Bright Queen? Did she send you here?"

"No. I was her Shadowhand, but I am no longer," he answered without hesitation. He did not try to resist the spell. He let its pull wash over him. It wasn't like a suggestion or charm spell, it didn't implore you to speak; it just stopped you from telling lies. He could still hold back, if he wanted to. He didn't want to. They were in a hurry.

"Why not?" Jester asked, a sad lilt in her voice. She knew how proud he was of his job, even though the rest of them had no idea what all it entailed. It certainly sounded important.

"Our purpose no longer aligns. Her goals are no longer mine."

Fjord rolled his eyes. That wasn't much of an answer.

"Why would you turn your back on the Dynasty?" Fjord asked, stepping forward, arms crossed.

"I fell in love with the human. They said he was a threat to the Dynasty... and the Bright Queen... to balance, and order, and all we hold sacred... he carries with him secrets we cannot afford to lose. Secrets and spells _I_ gave him. They asked me to kill him, but I... I refused. I lied to the Bright Queen. I don't want to hurt him. I made a promise."

"Jester, honey... I think that's enough," Veth said, dropping her crossbow and rushing forward to Caleb's side, to clutch his hand. He had gone a few shades paler. Jester let go of Essik's hands, and he withdrew them.

"They asked you to kill me?" Caleb clarified. Essik turned away from Jester to face him.

"To preserve the Dynasty, our Queen would pay any price."

"But not you?"

"I could never hurt you," he explained. "I love my homeland. I love Rosohna, and the Dynasty. There is... precious little I would not do, would not risk, to defend them... but losing you is a price I am unwilling to pay." He lifted his eyes, held Caleb's gaze. "Your safety is paramount to me."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Beau mumbled, crossing her arms and kicking at the ground, already impatient to go. She got the picture: Essek loved Caleb. Now they were just wasting time, and making her feel bad for doubting him.

Fjord shook his head, still mystified. He had no idea how those two could have fallen so hard so fast, or why they couldn't keep their hands off each other, while everything was on fire, but... he trusted Jester's magic.

"Sounds like he's on our side, as long as we've got Caleb. That's good enough for me. But we need to go," Fjord insisted, urgently. "Heavily armed soldiers on their way, remember?"

"Wait, wait! One more question! Is Caleb a good kisser?" Jester asked.

 _"Jester!"_ Veth snapped. _"They're having a moment!"_

"Fine, whatever!" Jester dismissed the spell with a wave of her hand and spun around, rejoining the others.

Essik's eyes darted back to Caleb, nervously. "Forgive me... I said too much, didn't I?"

Caleb let go of Veth's hand and walked up to Essik. He reached out to take hold of his lower arm and draw him closer. Since he was hovering, there was no traction to offer resistance, unless he wanted to resist. He didn't want to resist.

"Thank you for trusting us... for trusting _me..._ for understanding," Caleb said softly, lowering his voice. He ran a hand, tenderly, through Essik's soft white hair, then along his cheek and the line of his jaw, which he tilted up. Essik blinked a few times. Smiled. "I'm sorry I doubted you. I won't doubt you again. We still want to help your people, end Cerberus and end this war... but we can do none of this without you."

"I may love you, but don't let it go to your head. I have questions, too." Essik reminded him.

Caleb nodded to show he understood.

"I will do my best to answer them... in good time. But that spell isn't going to last forever. We must leave immediately, mein liebchen."

Before he could move away, Essik darted forward, taking hold of either side of Caleb's face, and kissed him the way he needed to be kissed, after everything they had been through; after very nearly losing him.

"This is all very touching, but we need one of the mages to cast a circle _—now!"_ Fjord said, clapping his hands to break them up. Time was already beginning to speed up again.

Essik pulled away, smiling. Caleb was smiling, too, now. His face went bright red.

"Ohh right, teleportation circle! I knew I came down here for something," he mumbled, absently.

"I can help with that," Essik said, happy his final act of protest could be of some use to them. He summoned a book from the pocket dimension, which appeared in his hand. "I stole this before I left. I know you've taken down a few circles already, but there are enough here to ensure we will always remain one step ahead of both the Dynasty and the Empire."

"You are... _miraculous! Wonderful!"_ Caleb exclaimed, blinking in startled amazement at Essik. A bemused smile spread across Essik's lips, clearly pleased. He loosened his hold on the book, and extended it. Caleb took it up, tentatively, opened it, scrawled through a few marked pages. Several glyphs and teleportation circles were inscribed within for destinations throughout Exandria. This could not have been an easy book to get access to, let alone steal. There was no way it would be available to the general public. If they did not already have an army looking for them, they certainly would, now. He would have kept reading, if Essik did not bring him back. He reached out, carefully covered Caleb's hand with his own, before he could turn the page.

"Another time. We need to go."

"Looks like you've saved my life again."

This was becoming something of a habit.

"Have I?" He asked, innocently, arching a brow.

"You stopped them, didn't you?" He gestured towards the door, before pocketing the book in his coat.

"I only slowed them down. The Bright Queen won't stop until she has you back. She's afraid you will give the secrets of dunamancy away."

Caleb spun around, dropped to his knees, and began drawing a new circle in the remnants of his last.

"Won't she be looking for you, too?" He asked over his shoulder.

"Perhaps. Soon." _Once she notices I'm missing. All the more reason to hurry, now._

"Don't worry, Essek, we'll look after you! You're one of us, now!" Jester said excitedly. Essik forced a smile for her sake. She may have been exhausting, sometimes, but he did like her. In moments such as these, when tensions ran high, she proved a welcome distraction.

"Why, thank you, Jester! I would be most honoured to join Den Nein."

He made a show of bowing formally, and she curtseyed in turn.

"Oh shit, that makes nine, doesn't it?" Beau said, tugging on Jester's sleeve. "If you count Molly and Yasha, I mean. Nine altogether."

Caleb finished his circle, moved to his feet, and signaled for the others to join him. They formed a circle around it. Fjord went through first, followed by Jester, Beau, and Veth. After Cad stepped through, Caleb looked to Essek, who ended the spell holding time with a flourish.

"After you," Caleb said, bowing with one arm extended towards the circle, as he had the day of their first lesson.

Essek smiled coyly, took up Caleb's arm, and dragged him through the portal and to the other side, as the teleportation circle snapped out of life and the light ebbed before vanishing for good.

 

***

 

Caleb blinked a few times, looking around him at the familiar, but rather barren, tower room.

"We forgot to call ahead," Jester hummed.

"I think Yussah would understand, considering," Veth replied.

"Would he? He still doesn't know we're working for the Dynasty. _Worked_ for the Dynasty," Fjord said, correcting himself.

"Hey, could you say that a little louder? I don't think everyone heard you!" Beau shouted from the other side of the room. She had tumbled straight into some boxes.

It took them a few minutes to get their bearings. Caleb turned over, and saw Essek was laying beside him, one arm pinned under his back. He quickly shifted his weight, to free him.

"Could you please... you're lying on my mantle," Essik mumbled, a little disoriented. More than usual. It took Caleb a moment to realise what had upset him, besides the hard landing. The tower was fairly dark, but it still had slanted windows, near the ceiling, letting in light. Letting in a lot of light. Caleb scrambled onto his hands and knees, and off Essik's mantle, before clambering over Essik, in an attempt to get between him and the worst of the light. Essik groaned, covering his eyes, and threw his head back against the hard stone floor. He had asked for this.

"We may have already hit a snag in our otherwise flawless plan," Caleb announced.

Caduceus, who was the closest, looked over to them, then looked away. They seemed to be having a private moment.

"What?" He asked Caleb as he turned to help Fjord and Jester back onto their feet, one at a time.

"Essik's a drow."

"Yeah, duh, we know that!" Jester said, rolling her eyes. "The Dynasty's full of drow! Ohh. We're not in the Dynasty anymore."

Veth leapt to her feet and ran to Caleb's side, peering down at Essek. Caleb offered his hand. Essek took it, and Caleb helped him to his feet.

"Can you disguise yourself? Go invisible?" Veth suggested, mentally running through a list of spells the party used in a pinch to look like someone, or something, else. They had quite a few between them.

"No, it's not just that... it's the sunlight. Beau?" Caleb swiveled his head around to face Beau, who had her back pressed against the wall, along with one foot, for balance. He extended his free hand towards her, palm up. "Give us your goggles."

"Fuck off, they're my goggles!"

"Please. He needs them."

"He can see in the dark already!"

"Give my boyfriend your goggles!" He snapped, urgently.

"Oh, shit, right! You got the... the bleeding eyes, right. I remember now." She passed the night vision goggles to Caleb, who helped Essik put them on, with some difficulty. They weren't really designed to contend with elvhen ears.

"That better?" Caleb asked, softly, raising Essik's chin to look up at him. Essik snorted.

"I feel ridiculous! But it will do, for now. Let's go," he insisted, impatiently.

"You look beautiful. I love you. Does it still hurt?"

Essik shook his head and Caleb let go, appeased, drawing a step back.

"There's barely any light in here, what's going to happen when we take him outside?" Fjord asked.

"Maybe we should wait until dark?" Veth suggested. She did not like the idea of waiting until dark, she was in a hurry to see Yeza and Luc again, but she knew Caleb would be upset if they had to leave Essik behind and she didn't want him to be sad.

"How far are we from the Lavish Chateau? If we can get him there quickly, we could slip in through the back and find a nice quiet dark room for him to meditate in until the Sun goes down," Beau suggested.

"Not far. He could even stay in my room, if he wanted! You'd like my room," Jester insisted, smiling brightly at Essik. He had trouble seeing her with the goggles on. She was just one big blue blur, with horns and a tail like a whip, always moving. "You'd get to meet my mama, too! She's soooo pretty!"

"I'm sure she is." He forced a smile. "I'll disguise myself as... a human?" His only point of reference for 'human' was Caleb, really, and a couple of Scourgers. He didn't think looking like one of them would be smart. "Or... are tiefling more common in these parts?" He asked, looking to Jester. He had never been to Nicodranas before, he wasn't sure what races typically inhabited the coastal city. He had studied history and geography at length, but he had no practical experience of travel. He had never been outside of Xhorhas for more than a few hours. Since meeting the Nein he had travelled more in the last six months than he had ever travelled in his life. It sort of figured they would be the ones who got him kicked out of the only home he had ever known. He should be upset with them, really... but they were taking such pains, now, to see he was looked after, that he could not stay angry with them. It was his choice, anyway, to come here; to join their exile. But what choice did he have? The only way to remain in the Bright Queen's Court was to kill Caleb. If he defied a direct order, he could be imprisoned, or worse. Here, at least, he could protect Caleb and his friends.

"Why don't we stick to elves, for now?" Caleb suggested. "I can't imagine you as a human."

"That sounds almost like a challenge," Essik responded with a smirk. Another inside joke. This was nice. This was new. Caleb smiled back. He couldn't stop smiling, now. After everything that had happened, he was not sure how Essik managed to keep in such high spirits. The reality of what they were doing must not have hit home yet. Still... exile seemed less daunting, surrounded by friends.

Essik closed his eyes and tried to focus on the spell. He had learned it many years ago, but he rarely had cause to use it so he was out of practice. Disguised, he still had a similar face and the same golden, cat-like, almond eyes, and was of more or less the same height, but without any of his usual markings or piercings. He had dark-toned skin, black hair instead of white. His clothes were changed to resemble what he had seen the Nein wearing when they first arrived, although simplified, in neutral tones. A basic tunic, leather armour. Nothing as pronounced and distinguished as the heavy mantel and poised armour which he discarded with Caleb's deft assistance. He didn't want to attract attention.

"How do I look, now?"

Jester gave him two thumbs up. "Still hot!"

He smiled. His teeth were flat and neat now, no sharp incisors.

"Very dashing! Should we say something to Yussah, before we leave?" Caduceus asked.

"What about the... you know, floating?" Fjord asked, pointing with his thumb at Essik's feet, which were still hovering just above the ground. He presumed it was force of habit, but it was also _dunamancy._ That would definitely get them noticed.

Caleb sighed, and shook his head.

"That sounds like a problem for tomorrow," he said, before taking hold of Essik's arm and leading him towards the door. As soon as it opened, they nearly crashed into Yussah's small assistant.

"You again!" He said, in a tone of voice which was becoming all too familiar to the Nein.

"Yes, us again. We were just leaving. Give our regards to Yussah!" Fjord said, taking the lead.

"Do you want me to announce you...?"

"No, no, tell him we will be back to pay him a call within the next few days, we will be staying nearby!" Fjord insisted, already making his way past the goblin and towards the stairs. The rest of the Nein followed suit.

They were shown down the tower and eventually led to the door. They left a forwarding address before departing, and apologised for not calling ahead. Essik thought the tower curious, but did not ask any questions until he was shown out the door. Caleb gave Essik his coat, and kept an arm around his shoulder, keeping him close as they cut a direct path to the Lavish Chateau. The light that did filter through burned his skin, but the Nein did the best they could to keep him shrouded. As they walked, Beau and Fjord explained that Yussah was a very powerful wizard who was very old and lived alone in his tower. Caleb added that he was also very suspicious. They had asked him about the Beacon before going to Rosohna, but he did not know what it was. The Cobalt Soul archive knew little more. Essik found it amusing how little the Empire knew of the Dynasty in general and Luxon in particular, and laughed at the suggestion their deity was invented as a political move by Den Kryn to lead drow away from the worship of Lolth and the Underdark.

"If Luxon is made-up, how do they explain the process of consecution?" He asked Caleb, still snickering as he was shown through a series of corridors and eventually found himself inside of an elegant inn. No one else got the joke. Jester told Blu they needed a room right away for their friend, who was feeling ill. Caleb led Essik into a small, but comfortable, single room.

"I don't know," Caleb answered as he took off his coat and goggles for him. "They probably think it's hogwash. But we know better."

As soon as the door was closed, and curtains drawn, Essik dropped his disguise, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Will you be okay if we leave you alone for a few hours? We have some errands to run."

"What am I supposed to do while you're out having fun?" Essik asked, stifling a yawn.

"Rest. Sleep. As soon as its dark, I can show you the city."

"I can trance for five hours. How long until darkness falls in this place?"

"Not long," he began, then paused when he heard a knock at the door. "About 6 hours and 43 minutes. I'll be back, soon."

He asked whoever was at the door what they wanted. Fjord parted it a fraction, not looking in. "It's me! Fjord!" he called out before entering, not wanting to interrupt anything.

Caleb turned to look over his shoulder and invited him in, still standing in front of Essik, who remained perched on the side of the bed, and gave Fjord a small wave.

"You ordered room service? They left it out here."

"Give us two more minutes," Caleb instructed. Fjord nodded, quickly departing and closing the door behind him.

"Only two minutes?" Essik tsked, hooking an arm around Caleb's waist. He leaned in, stole a kiss, drawing free Caleb's hair from its clasp so it fell loosely around his shoulders. As he drew back he placed his thumb on Caleb's chin. "Thank you for... this," he gestured, vaguely, around them. "But you don't need to go to all this trouble over me. I can look after myself."

Caleb stepped back, away from Essik, and out of his arms. If he kept their friends waiting much longer, they wouldn't bother knocking.

"I know, but you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. I didn't stop to think how hard it would be for you here."

"We will find a way. I have never been this far from Rosohna, but... we will find a way. Maybe there are enchantments, or spells, which help. I don't want to slow you and your friends down."

He already hated how weak he was here. He hated the thought he was holding them back. He did not think what a terrible burden he would be to the group when he asked to join them.

Caleb took up Essik's hand, the one which rested on the bed, nearest him.

"I'm so happy you're here. You won't slow us down at all. Please rest. I'll be back, soon."

"Wait! Before you go... would you let me cast a spell? It will only take a moment."

"What spell?" Caleb asked, releasing Essik's hand.

"I swore an oath to serve my Queen; I also swore never to hurt you. I want to be true to my word. You won't feel anything, but... I want your permission."

"Please, go ahead. I trust you."

Essik nodded, extending a hand to tuck a strand of Caleb's hair behind his ear. He started casting a spell to slow time, only this time he slowed it to a standstill. Then he placed his hand over Caleb's heart. There was no pulse. He was suspended in motion. Bright, blue, shining eyes, staring before him, unblinking. Mouth parted, slightly. Hair awry. Essik cast Fortune's Favour, then leaned in, cupping a hand over his right ear, and whispered in Undercommon: _"Light be with you. Stay safe my love, my light, my soul... and come back home to me."_ Then snapped his fingers, ending the spell. Caleb jolted back, startled. He stared at Essik, wide-eyed, blinking. It took him a few moments to realise what had happened.

"What did you do?!" He asked, looking around the room. Nothing seemed out of place, except Essik, who's golden eyes remained locked with his.

"I stopped your heart," Essik replied, matter-of-factly.

Caleb narrowed his eyes, confused.

"...Did you hear me?"

"No," Caleb answered.

"Hm. Well, go, run your errands, and bring me food," Essik instructed, waving him off, dismissively.

Then he stretched out across the bed and yawned, before turning his back to Caleb and curling up with a pillow.

"What, no good-bye?" Caleb shot back.

"Luxon watch over you. _Now go!"_

Before Caleb left, he summoned Frumpkin, and instructed him to keep watch over the room, and report back if he saw anything suspicious. As soon as Caleb set him down on the ground, the striped cat raced across the room and leapt into bed, pouncing on the sleeping Shadowhand. Essik protested, at first, the interruption to his meditation, but after sitting up to give Frumpkin a few pets, decided the familiar would be good company. He looked pleased, when Essik scratched him under the chin, and curled up in a circle next to him, purring softly, a low, rhythmic hum. When Essik laid his head down on the pillow a second time, and closed his eyes, he concentrated on that low hum, and it made it easier to sink into a trance.

Caleb slipped outside the room and found his friends gathered in the corridor, where they had finished off most of the food they had ordered. What remained he left behind for Essik, in case he got hungry before they returned. As they made their way into town, Beau elbowed Caleb, and pulled him aside.

"This is all my fault, you wanted me to tell everyone about Dairon, but I thought..." Caleb held out a hand. He could see where this was going, and he wanted to shut it down immediately. There was no way he was going to stand by and watch Beauregard blame herself for this.

"Don't apologise, Beauregard, please! You did nothing wrong. You're only mistake was being too good a friend, to someone who did not deserve your friendship."

"Well, I mean... that's one way to look at it, I guess, but..."

"I wish I could be as good a friend as you! I was so terrified of trusting anyone, I nearly drove away the people dearest to me. I nearly lost Essik, because I was so afraid of getting hurt I convinced myself he would betray me... after all he's done for us! What happened with Dairon, is... terrible, yes, and we will learn from it, we will take precautions in future, but please, by all that is sacred... do not let this colour your whole world, the way I let it colour mine, so that you see treachery and deception everywhere you look, even in the faces of those who love you."

"You made a good call with him." She lightly punched him in the shoulder. It didn't hurt as much this time. Maybe he was getting stronger, or maybe it was the elvhen mail. "Maybe you should try trusting people more often. Look what it got you!" She smiled broadly and spread out her arms. Caleb still looked confused. _"Us,_ it got you us, the Nein! Your friends. Your family. We are a family, now, right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good. Well at least we know we can trust each other. That's something, right?"

"Indeed." Beau gave him an encouraging smile. "Thank you, Beauregard. I mean it."

"Hey man, any time!" With that, she sped ahead, and threw an arm around Jester's shoulders.

Caleb watched them, smiling and laughing. This was good. This was fine. It would take time, for the Dynasty to send troops this far South. They could rest for a moment, before running off, in search of a new home. He turned to look at Caduceus, who was smiling up at the trees. He waved to the birds. His friends were happy and safe. Things might not have gone as planned, but... for the time being, they were happy and safe, and that was all that mattered. Tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, they could worry about the future. As Caleb looked over the streets of Nicodranas, he remembered what it looked like at night, illuminated by hundreds of paper lanterns, sporadically spread out across the open sands. He hoped Essik would like it here. He knew it must be hard for him being so far from home, but... he hoped he would like it. He remembered the first time he came here, the first time he felt the sea lap at his feet. It took his breath away. He was already making a mental list of all the places he wanted to show him. He hoped they'd have enough time to see them all.

 

 

***

 

Days passed and turned into weeks. They decided to remain in Nicodranas until they found safe passage and a place to stay in Taldorei. For that, they needed money. They took up a few small jobs, locally. They each adopted pseudonyms and wore disguises in town. They were safely out of the reach of both the Empire and Dynasty, and would remain so for as long as the two powers were too busy fighting each other to look for them. They stayed in the Lavish Chateau for the first few days, until they began to feel they had overstayed their welcome. They did not want to attract attention to Marion, Yeza, and Luc, if anyone came by asking questions. Thankfully, there was a war on; the Dynasty could hardly afford to organize a manhunt which combed the entirety of Exandria.

They found a quiet stretch of beach to camp on, just outside the main city. They could still visit town in the evening, and rest during the day. They looked for work which suited their newly nocturnal lifestyle. Essik was eager to earn his keep, and did not think the jobs they were asked to do beneath him, or if he did, he kept those thoughts to himself. On days off, when they didn't have to work, and they could steal a few moments alone in the Chateau or along the coast, Essik and Caleb would practice dunamancy. As Caleb learned more about the theory behind the spells, not just the effect and how to replicate it, they combined efforts to create spells of their own, or alter pre-existing ones.

While the streets of Nicodranas were much quieter at night, there were still night-markets, and carnivals would sometimes pass through, where lanterns would be illuminated and music would fill the air, along with the scent of spiced food and drinks. Such events were unlike anything Essik had ever experienced in Rosohna. Caleb taught him how to waltz, and Veth made him wear flowers in his hair, like Caleb. Jester found him a colourful new mantel, to replace the one he could no longer wear, which Caduceus sewed tiny glittering stars into. Essik knew they were trying to make him feel at home, there, and was grateful, accepting all their gifts with uncharacteristic humility.

He seemed changed since coming there. He was calmer, quieter, more introspective. He did not protest, no matter what they asked him to do, and did not fuss over his appearance or his position or formalities. Caleb worried this was because he felt sad to have fallen from grace after having once been so important, but when pressed, Essik explained that he had startled life as a poor, inconsequential drow who was lucky to have had a natural propensity for magic, and to catch the eye of a powerful Den, at such a young age. He could so easily have been forced into standard military training, and died before he had completed his first century in the field of battle. He could so easily have been just another statistic who never had the opportunity to make a name for himself.

Being here, playing a part, forsaking the status he had been granted, and so many denied... was beginning to make him see how much he had taken his position for granted in the past, and how little he understood real life, a life which existed outside the Conservatory. Here he had friends who cared for him. Strangers would smile and talk to him, as if he were their equal. It was... jarring, at first, but part of him liked the change; liked feeling welcomed; liked feeling loved, and valued, for who he was, instead of what he represented. In the Dynasty, he was just a name. Den Theylas was full of renowned scholars and powerful mages, respected throughout Xhorhas, but also feared.

Every night, Caleb made a ritual of setting up wards around their camp to ensure they weren't ambushed. They had four tents between them. Caleb and Essik shared one, Beau and Jester another, Veth and Yeza, Caduceus and Fjord. They were arranged in a semi-circle around a bonfire, spread out a few feet apart. Supplies were always kept at the ready, in case they need to run at a moment's notice, but after the first fortnight, tensions began to ease. Here on the beach, everything remained quiet, peaceful. They could forget how uncertain their future was, and how powerful their enemy. Hope gave them strength and a renewed sense of security.

One early morning, before dawn, when Caleb was having trouble sleeping, he took advantage of the quiet, and everyone else being fast asleep, to wake Essik. He made a soft noise of protestation as he stirred to life, opening one eye, then the other, before stretching both his arms and legs at the same time, like a cat. He had been spending too much time with Frumpkin.

“What’s wrong, l'toshra?” He mumbled, turning over, still in danger of falling back to sleep. Drow, unlike other elves, _could_ sleep, they just didn't have to. While unable to cast darkness without drawing attention, and forcibly kept out of the running for half the day, it made sense to sleep instead of trance, so he was not wasting precious energy that could be better spent helping the party.

 _L'toshra_ meant _'dear one.'_ One of the first words Caleb learned in Undercommon, because Essik was teaching him. He liked hearing Essik speak Undercommon; it was such a forceful, violent, yet strangely musical language. It sent a chill through him which was almost electric, primal.

“Nothing. I just wanted to talk. I can't sleep.”

“Very well.”

After some deliberation, Essik forced himself upright and onto his feet. He winced with pain the moment his feet connected with solid ground and Caleb reached forward, out of habit, placing a hand on his shoulder, steadying him.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to get Caduceus?” He asked in a low, worried voice. Essik shook his head, held up his hands.

“It’s nothing, love. Don’t worry about me. Just hand me my clothes, please.” He pointed at the chest full of books they had managed to salvage before fleeing Rosohna, or amassed from local traders. On top of it, his clothes were neatly folded.

“Ja, of course!” Caleb, already dressed, leapt to his feet, went over to collect Essik's clothes, and handed them over. Essik quickly got dressed, mumbled the words to the gravity spell which helped him levitate, then stood up as well as he could in the low tent. Even for a slight elf, the tent was small to share. It had been intended to house a single person. When finished, Essik turned to face Caleb, who still had his back turned out of respect. His modesty always struck Essik as eccentric. He still turned his head whenever Essik dressed, even after sharing a bed with him for several months, yet he would quite happily swim naked. Essik, who he had never learned how to swim and did not particularly trust the sea, simply watched from the shore with Veth and Caduceus whenever their friends went swimming. Crossing the sea would be... an adventure.

Essik gently placed a hand on Caleb’s shoulder, then pointed to the canopy door, and Caleb nodded, moving to his feet and marching towards it, only briefly pausing to step over Frumpkin, who was curled up in a makeshift cat-bed at the foot of theirs. Before he could get out of arms reach, Essik caught up his hand, to stop him from walking too quickly and leaving him in the dust. Essik was not a morning person, and not used to sunlight except for the briefest exposure on holy days. Even the faint light that spilled over the horizon at dawn and dusk could be draining, so he wanted to move slowly and conserve energy. Caleb, meanwhile, always seemed to be rushing, even when they had nowhere to go. His ‘walks’ bordered on ‘runs,’ if Essik didn't reign him in.

They walked in silence along the beach until they eventually approached the bordering cliffs and decided to circle back. Essik presumed Caleb had a reason for waking him up and dragging him out here at such an early hour, and waited patiently for him to speak. When he finally did, he stopped walking, and turned to face Essik, who also stopped short. The tide was just beginning, gently, to lap at their feet. Essik could already tell, from Caleb's expression and his body language, that he wanted to have that discussion about the future they had been putting off. He gave thanks, at the very least, that they were having it here, alone, in such a serene setting, and not in a prison cell. Here… everything was still quiet, peaceful. They could pretend they were safe. They could reflect on the past, and prepare for the future, with clear heads.

"You know this makes us war criminals, right? Wanted by both the Dynasty and the Empire for crimes against the state?"

"I don't care," Essik replied lightly. He had time to get used to the idea. While he disliked being painted as a traitor by his own people, because he knew in his heart he was not one, he had no great respect for man-made laws and proclamations. The Empire could call him whatever names they pleased.

Caleb sighed and started walking again, clearly not pleased with Essik's lackluster response. Essik kept in step, with his head down, hands held behind his back. They must have been drawing closer to the tents, now. Frumpkin had picked his way through the sand in search of his wizard. He gave a low meow at Caleb’s feet once he found him, and wove his way through the wizard’s leg as he walked. Caleb stopped to pick the bengal cat up in his arms. Essik stopped, too, and watched him.

"You really should," Caleb said, shaking his head, and looking down to pet Frumpkin, who jutted his head into the palm of his hand. He had been dreading this conversation because he was afraid it would undo everything he had worked so hard to protect. There was no turning back for him, now, no way to return to the Dynasty without earning their forgiveness tenfold, without bringing back the head of Trent Ikithon on a plate—a tempting image, in and of itself. Essik, however… could still return. He could still ask for mercy. The Bright Queen had always been fond of Essik. She could probably be convinced to offer him a second chance. Caleb had used up all of his chances.

“I'm here because I love you,” Essik declared, softly but firmly.

Caleb stroked behind Frumpkin's ear, and his familiar began purring loudly. Essik, seeing he could not compete with the cat for the wizard’s attention, reached forward and gingerly ran a hand along Frumpkin's slender spine, then down his striped tail, half wondering if Caleb had even heard him.

“There's no accounting for taste,” Caleb finally replied, a nervous smile inching its way across his lips, his eyes still trained on the cat. Essik decided to take a leaf from Frumpkin’s book, and force Caleb to pay attention to him. He pressed forward, lifting his hand from the cat to Caleb’s chin, raising it to face him. Then he leant forward, tilting his head to the side before closing the distance between them with a kiss. When he pulled away, Caleb was staring up at him, eyes wide, and looking slightly startled.

“I still want to marry you. I want _this._ I don't care what happens. We will stop Cerberus together. We will make them pay for what they did to you, to your family, to my people,” Essik explained with conviction, not missing a beat. Caleb almost believed it was possible, when Essik spoke like that, with such confidence, the force of his will was so strong.

“Then we will bring you back to the Dynasty a hero, and they will welcome you with open arms, and beg forgiveness for ever doubting you. It will work out, just like it does in all the legends," Caleb concluded, filling in the blanks. "Then you will probably meet a nice drow your own age who is a better match, who _deserves_ you... and marry _them._ You know I'm not cut out for this life, for... for any of this! I'm not good at it!” He looked down, helplessly, at his hands, and the fey masquerading as his beloved childhood cat he held in them. His safety; his focus; the one reminder of the past which did not scald his heart, but dashed the flames with water.

“Not good at what, my dear?” Essik asked, tilting his head to one side. He was still standing far too close for comfort. If he moved any closer, Caleb would feel compelled to kiss him again, and get distracted. He was trying to do the right thing. He was trying to free him.

“Love!" He admitted, then immediately felt ridiculous.

“You don't love me?”

 _“Ich liebe dich,_ Essik... but that's not the problem!" Caleb exclaimed, emphatically.

“And I love you... I don't see the problem?” Essik furrowed his brows, studying Caleb closely, trying to understand.

“If we... _when we_ go back to the Dynasty... your Den would never accept me. I heard what Ameera said about me, about... what it would do to you, and your reputation, among your people... I don't want to put you through that,” Caleb explained. "I don't want to drag you down to my level. I've already asked too much from you, by bringing you here."

_So that’s it. We were talking far too loudly, he overheard everything and took it to heart. For how long has he known this, and kept quiet? For how long has this been troubling him?_

Frumpkin made a disgruntled noise, and leapt out from Caleb’s arms and down on the ground as Essik moved forward, turning Caleb around to face him, directly. He knew Caleb hated confrontation, but this time he wouldn't let him run away. If he wanted honesty, he would get honesty. The whole truth, unabridged, so he could decide for himself whether or not he wanted to take a chance on him, instead of making all of his decisions based on what he felt was _expected_ of him, what he was _supposed_ to do, or feel, or think, or say.

"After all I've done, all I've sacrificed… you really think I care about my precious reputation more than you? My Den, more than you? Fuck them! Fuck them all! I don't need my Den. You're my Den, now." He pressed a kiss against Caleb's brow, one hand clasped to either side of his face, holding him in place. He pressed their foreheads together, closed his eyes for a long moment, then drew back. He could tell Caleb wanted to speak, but he wasn't finished yet. He'd only just begun.

"I have also looked into the Beacon, Caleb. During my consecution, I saw a glimpse of my future. One timeline in... _billions_ , yes, but... you were a part of that future. That is why I was so confused when I first saw you, standing before the Bright Queen's throne. I recognised you from my vision, but... I was afraid to say anything, afraid I'd scare you away, or fuck up this timeline, by telling you, by telling  _anyone_ , but now... what do I have to lose?" He laughed, nervously, and shook his head. "I believe our souls are meant to find each other, Caleb, in this life and the next, _ad infinitum,_ until the end of time or until we reach umavi, whichever comes first."

"What do you mean, _'in this life and the next, ad infinitum'?_ I'm not consecuted like you, I c-can't..." he began, stammering. He couldn't feel the ground beneath his feet. He had a similar feeling to what he felt when the guards turned their weapons on them in the Lucid Bastion.

"You will be. I don't know when, or where, or _how..._ but you will be, one day." He tried to read Caleb's expression, but found he could not. "I know this sounds mad, but you do believe me, don't you?"

"You think this is... destiny?" Caleb asked, fidgeting with his thread, his focus, once his hands were free.

If he had not looked into the Beacon himself, he would tell Essik he must be mistaken, but... he _had_ looking into the Beacon, and what he had seen had been a vision of his future, or possible futures; possible selves. Echoes which Essik had taught him to call forth, and channel, through dunamancy. If they were both acting on compulsion, if they were both being driven by some higher power, then maybe that was a good omen, maybe that meant they would have to stay alive long enough for Caleb to become consecuted, maybe that was a sign their venture _must_ succeed, despite the odds. Or maybe it was just one future in a billion possible timelines, as Essik suspected, and there were hundreds of others where they would die tomorrow, without ever achieving their goals, their names forgotten by time.

"I tried to resist it. I never wanted my fate to be decided for me. I have always wished to carve out my own path in life. I tried to fight it... but then you asked so nicely for spells, and I thought... maybe it wouldn't be so terrible, if I taught you a few spells, for the good of the Dynasty, because you were our ally, and I needed to know the extent of your power, and... I learned how charming you could be... and how talented you are, how clever... I never wanted to fall in love with you, but... I couldn't help myself. My soul has always sought yours, even before I met you, even before I knew your name. Now I know why."

Caleb raised one of his hands to lightly clasp Essik's wrist. He needed to hold on to something.

"I don't know anything about visions, or destiny, or whether or not this is going to last _'ad infinitum,'_ but... none of this changes how I feel about you. I don't need a prophecy to know I love you. Could you... close your eyes, please?" Caleb was stumbling over his words now. He was bad at this. Bad at talking. Bad at timing. But now seemed as good a time as any, didn't it? They were alone, by the sea, everything was so picturesque, so peaceful... who knew how long it would last? Essik closed his eyes, and felt Caleb gently pull his arm away, then down and out, and let him. He felt him drift out from his hands, then back. When he opened his eyes again, Caleb was kneeling on one knee in front of him, his left hand gently clasped in his. He took out something from his pocket which gleamed gold in the bright light of the rising Sun. A ring with an emerald stone.

“In the Empire,” he began, clearing his throat. “We use rings to show we are promised to one another. This token is my promise. If we survive this war, and you still want me after all this madness is over... I am yours. With or without Luxon's blessing.”

Essik opened his mouth, surprised, and drew back slightly.

“But I... I don't have anything to give you!” He answered, suddenly inconsolable. Why had he not read anything in his books about this?! Among his people, engagements were always formal matters, contracts settled by one's den. There were no exchanging of favours, although he liked the sound of both parties wearing something to signify their bond. He wasn't even wearing one of his usual rings to offer as a stand-in, he had so hurriedly dressed himself that morning.

“I don't need anything,” Caleb responded, a little flustered. Was that an answer? Caleb started to get up, but Essik placed his free hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

“No, wait! Take this, for now."

Essik tore a bit of fabric off his cloak, and sunk down to his knees so he could tie it around Caleb's wrist like a ribbon, then drew him forward into a deep kiss, wrapping both arms around his neck. Caleb, not prepared for this sudden embrace, tumbled backwards into the loose sand, the slender drow still wrapped around his neck like a scarf. He let out a breathless laugh, taking hold of Essik's waist as the drow pulled away to catch his breath before peppering Caleb's face and neck with kisses, still straddling his waist.

“Are you alright over there?” A voice called from one of the tents. _Veth, worried about me._ “Is he trying to strangle you, Cay-Cay? I've got my crossbow!”

 _“Shush! Leave them alone!”_ Jester hissed in an excruciatingly loud whisper, from the tent she shared with Beau. _"They're in loovvveeeee,”_ she drawled, dramatically, hand over her heart.

Caleb drew back from the kiss, and let his head fall back against the rough sand floor of the beach, defeated, with a faint laugh. Essik unwound his arms from Caleb’s neck and torso and placed the palms of his hands in the sand on either side of him, before lifting himself up, so his delicate human did not have to bare the full brunt of his weight. Small and lithe as he was, he knew he still had to exercise care. Caleb had always been a glass cannon.

"Too much?” He asked, gazing fondly down at his human.

Caleb shook his head, smiling with all his teeth. He looked so lovely like this, bathed in the dawn's first rays. The waves threatened to close in, the longer they stayed like this. The Sun threatened to rise. _Winter cannot come too soon._ He knew they would have to move eventually, but he was in no hurry. Time could wait for them. He extended his hand and Caleb put on the ring. It had an almost amber sheen as it reflecting the sunrise.

"It's very beautiful," Essik observed, admiring it.

“Jester knows. I needed her help to buy the ring,” Caleb explained.

“You mean you bought this," Essik said, flashing the hand where he'd placed the ring, "knowing good and well that you were going to turn down _my_ proposal, and try to wile your way out of this?”

When Caleb had lured him out of his tent that morning, Essik had presumed it would be to mull over a plan for the more immediate future. Where to go next, after Nicodranas. How to infiltrate the Cerberus Assembly's stronghold. He never expected the exchanging of tokens, or a promise of marriage, but it made him feel as if everything was falling into place. It was useless resisting this strange pull that kept bringing them together, no matter how many forces conspired to keep them apart. Even if nothing came of this and there was no ceremony, he was just happy to know Caleb felt the same way. It made the future seem less frightening. Whether or not they succeeded, at least they would have each other.

“I had to make sure you knew what you were getting yourself into,” Caleb explained, pointing back at the tents over his shoulder with the back of his thumb. No one had actually left their tent, but several faces were peering out at them, now. “I'm a package deal.”

 _“What's going on? I can't see!”_ Beau muttered, trying to look past Jester, who was blocking most of the entrance to their tent. She wasn't even trying to be subtle, now.

 _“I think they're going to kiss again! Shhh!"_ Jester said loudly, bringing one finger to her lips. “This is just like that scene in the Salty Sea, when their ship gets wrecked by a big rock and they wash up on the shore and, and... their clothes get eaten by fish, so they have to keep each other warm by holding each other real close.” She held her sides, mimicking an amorous embrace, and made 'kissing' noises. Beau burst into laughter. Caleb groaned. Jester was never going to let him live down that book. He regretted lending it to her in the first place.

Essik choked back a laugh and shook his head, gazing tenderly at the transmutation wizard below him, who was blushing furiously now, his hair so red the faint sunlight danced off each tendril like a flame. _By the Light, he's beautiful._ This is where he belonged; in the sunlight, surrounded by friends. It was wrong of Essik to try to build a future with him in Xhorhas, to try and relinquish him to a world of darkness and shadows.

“I wouldn't have it any other way,” he replied, before sinking back into Caleb’s arms, and resting the side of his head against his chest. Caleb brought up a gloved hand and gently ran it through Essik's hair. His eyes fluttered shut. Tomorrow, or the next day, they could declare war on the world, and dismantle the Empire, and return the Dynasty to its former glory. For now, he was content to forget the world and fall asleep in the arms of someone he loved more than the Light itself. He felt lucky, endlessly lucky. Finding Caleb in his first life seemed like a statistical anomaly. He had to be a gift sent by Luxon; he had already brought hope to so many. If only he knew.


End file.
